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Great LezBritain: “Lip Service” Recap – Season 2, Episode 4

We believe in being up front, so we’re just going to go ahead and tell you that this was probably our favourite ever episode of Lip Service. This is quite a feat really given that we are very fond of Francesca and her hair, and we also enjoyed Cat’s furrowed brow, the Jaygermeister’s nonsense and the dramatic love triangle, which are all a-goner. This episode felt like Lip Service: The Sequel. Fresher, darker and grittier with a strange genre mash up that works nonetheless.  So here we go, episode four, our favourite number.

In Tess’ kitchen, Ed romanticizes over his morning waking up in the bosom of his new beau, and Tess’ nemesis, Nora. He spirals off into smitten tales of how hearing her breathe beside him makes him feel alive again.

Lee: I forgive Nora her vileness a little if she can make Ed feel a bit better. Poor wee Ed.

Sarah: I cannot yet, for I do not trust her intentions towards Ed.

He is clearly very taken by Nora and Tess may well have been more affronted by this twist in their tale had she not been so distracted by Lexy stretching in the hallway, her premium rump, plum in Tess’ eye line. 

Ed tells Tess that Nora is a big Tess fan (aren’t we all?). Unsurprisingly Tess scoffs in disbelief at this news of Nora’s fandom and the fact that it was indeed Nasty Narcissist Nora’s idea for Ed to bring her breakfast that morn. However it soon transpires that this was more likely a sneaky way to just smooth Tess over because Ed is now taking her to an awards ceremony as opposed to Tess, whom he promised the invitation to yonks ago.  Tess eats a doughnut as way of heartening herself over the disappointment.

Lee: This is making me feel really sad for Tess. She’s all alone without Ed.

Sarah: It’s that Nora one. She’s a sly fox.

Sam and Lexy are running up that hill, running up that hill.

Lee: Can we just pause this for a moment to look at how f–king spectacular my hometown Glasgow looks in this shot?

Sarah: I think you might have more readily commented on how Lexy and Sam are looking pretty fly in their Lycra get up.

Lee: Yes, but I’d have to date that view before either of them.

Sarah: You sound like one of those weird people who shag cars and bridges.

Lee: I can’t apologise for this. Just look at it.

We press play and Sam and Lexy are still running up that very special, somewhat sexually arousing hill. We like to think that in Lexy’s heart she is singing to herself “Unaware that I’m tearing you asunder. There is thunder in our hearts, baby.” Outwardly, she just asks Sam how she is.

Sam: I’m all right; you know, keeping busy.

Lexy offers Sam a ticket for an evening of wine tasting.  The consultant that invited her pulled out, and she would therefore like to pull Sam in. Sam is wishy washy about whether or not she’d like to go and begins her descent, running down that hill, with Lexy running down that gorgeous hill, clipping at her heels.

Lexy arrives home, knackered from her jog with the superfit DS Murray. She falls to the floor, in part, perhaps in reaction to weak knees caused by spending such a time in the company of the hot cop.  Tess joyously meets her and asks how Sam is, sinking slightly as she admits to not calling Sam because, apart from Cat, she fears they have nothing to chat about. Tess returns to a topic she does love and suggests that she and Lexy spend a little time in the boozer together that night.

Lexy: I’d love to but I can’t. I’ve invited Sam to this sort of wine-tasting thing. You know just to get her out of the house and I’d ask you but I just have a couple of tickets, so …

Tess: Oh no, no it’s fine. No problem. I have got loads of lines to learn.

Her emphatic negation is a crystal clear giveaway that, for her, it is not fine.

Sadie saunters into the hallway, as only the Artful Dodgeress can. She’s written an article and is off to see her “one-time” sexual encounter, magazine editor Lauren to see if she can earn some dough from this writing lark. She declares that she is a little more than confident because she “f–ked the editor.”

Then Lexy and Sadie are gone leaving Tess in the hallway. Alone. Oh, Tess.

Back at the local nick, Ryder delicately tells Sam that Cat’s belongings have been released and questions whether she would like them. She cuts him off and tells him that she will think about it – clearly not over enthusiastic about thinking about rifling through her dead partner’s last possessions.

Back at the hospital, Gay Stud continues to tease Lexy about her hotcop longings. She informs him that she’s invited Sam to taste vino with her that evening, insisting that it is nothing but platonic. Bea walks in and hears Lexy’s plans. She masks her jealousy in a very rubbish way by feigning a sudden hope that they could swing it together that eve and when she whimpers away like a wounded puppy it is up to Gay Stud to give a sarcastic summary of events.

Gay Stud: So you’re not going on a date – and she’s not in any way jealous?

Lexy is called to see a patient by the hospital receptionist, but in a first ever happening in the entire history of the NHS, there is not a soul waiting anywhere to be seen in the A&E waiting room.  This scene should be used as a party political broadcast. To make it even creepier, the receptionist tells Lexy how eager beaver this fella was to see her, not contemplating that this might be a bit weird. Lexy tries to shrug it off but has the face of a woman on the run. We question episode two again: Why does Lexy have no belongings? What are these weird phone calls? And where exactly has she come from?

Sadie ushers herself into the magazine headquarters and finds Lauren chatting to one of her employees. Sadie gives her a grin that suggests she was always going to hot step back there, but Lauren does a face that says she certainly was not expecting this lady to ring twice. She displays her anger to the man she was talking to, and with a touch of Diana Leatherby from Tipping The Velvet, orders him to fetch “that girl”.

Sarah: Sexual.

Lee: Very.

Sadie, under instruction, walks over and Lauren instantly accuses her of being a stalker. Sadie tells her to basically get over herself because quite frankly she was nothing special. She’s there purely to talk shop and leaves the article on Lauren’s desk. Lauren is left looking quite the foolish egomaniac.

Lee: I think she read our recap because she’s stopped wearing that ming thing of a jacket.

It’s the end of their policing shift and Ryder – because he has a special heart that warms the cockles – offers to keep Sam company with a Cagney & Lacey box set that evening instead of slumming it with their work colleagues down the pub. Sam refuses as she tells him she is going to taste some bouquets with Lexy. Ryder throws in an insult about choosing sophistication over beer but is pleased that she’s tiptoeing back into the ring. Lexy calls and Sam rejects the call, suggesting that she’s still teetering on the edges of that ring.

Sarah: The banter between Ryder and Sam I enjoy and thus I would like there to be a Murray & Ryder spin off and call it, Murder.

Lee: Genius.

Tess and Hipflask seem to be the first at rehearsals and shoot the breeze about Ed’s pathetic ways now that he’s fallen heads over heels for Nora. Tess moans about her now distinct lack of friends and Hipflask asks about her new flatmates. Tess becomes dreamy eyed.

Tess: Sadie is a bit of a pain, but Lexy is lovely, really kind and understanding, you know?

Hipflask: Tess? Have you fallen for your roomie?

Tess: No. God No … OK, maybe a little bit, but you know it’s pretty hopeless. I mean she hardly looks at me or not like she’s looking at me naked anyway.

Hipflask: Sext her. Show her what she’s missing. It’s what all the kids are doing now apparently.

Tess: Um, no. Because then she’d think I was a psycho. I did actually try asking her out this morning but she said she was busy, so …

Hipflask informs her that a date akin to a pie and a pint is not going to tickle Lexy’s biscuit. She needs to up the ante but Tess feels this could end up being a beautiful disaster, and so do we, especially if we are guided by Tess’ previous form.

Sadie is at the day job dressed like a French maid. We know what you’re thinking, but no, she serves cheese to diners in a well to do restaurant. She looks at herself with embarrassment and tosses the horrid hat away only for the head honcho to walk pass, notice her naked head and tell her to put on “her f–king hat,” all in a Glaswegian accent that would make your tonsils shake.

Lexy walks in on Bea having a barny on the phone with her partner Susie. Lexy asks if their fuck-buddydom is causing tensions, as she could quite easily sidestep out of the way. The ease with which she suggests this, reasserts that this really is a friendship without any emotional feelings for Lexy. Bea clearly does not feel the same way and tries to rein Lexy back in with an offer of an encounter of the sexual kind that very evening. Lexy reminds her that she is meeting Sam, and Bea is left looking frustrated.

Hipflask is moaning on about Tom Delaware to Tess again: his nemesis and dark obsession. Tess matches the darkness by suggesting she could kill Nora and possibly get away with it, but before she suggests exactly how it could be done, Nora bounds in. She’s bleating out an apology to Tess for going to the awards ceremony and taking her place. She has bought her a bottle of champers as a peace-offering. Tess (and we) actually think this is good as far as peace-offerings go.

Sam is reading letters of condolences at her kitchen table. Amidst this gloom, she picks up a call from Lexy, and like a schoolgirl asking her out her first crush, Lexy asks whether Sam can be her plus one for the vino bash. Sam agrees and Lexy shivers with glee. This glee is thrown out the window however when she goes to her locker to find it open with a note that says, “I know.” She is visibly concerned.

Sarah: Harriet Braun has gone all Tarantino this series. There’s a foray into so many different genres. We’ve had drama, comedy, police drama, medical drama romance, slapstick, and now we’re getting thriller/ suspense. 

Lee: I would give anything for her to take it all the way and complete the Tess/ Nora storyline with a Bride vs. Elle Driver showdown.

Sarah: Too dangerous. Tess would end up gouging out her own eye by mistake.

Back to Sadie, who incidentally would make an incredible Kill Bill-esque assassin, but for now is still dressed like a French maid with the hat firmly on. She begins her cheese trolley duties with as much enthusiasm as a lactose intolerant vegan. She notices Lauren sitting in the restaurant, ducks behind the Cheddar and pulls off her hat.

Lauren apologies about her recent rude behaviors and tells her that it was driven by her hectic work schedule. Sadie, as sharp as a tack, questions if she’s so busy then why is she sitting there casually drinking wine, in a ruse to see her. Sadie may have cornered Lauren into a corner. We would also ask how the goat’s cheese did Lauren know that Sadie worked there? This is a Brie-shaped plot wonder.

Sam and Lexy sit side by side at the wine tasting event. They are the youngest attendees there by a country mile. It is a very well to do affair and Sam and Lexy smirk to each other at the pompousness of the teacher’s analysis of the plonk. The teacher cottons on to Sam’s rather loud smirk and asks Lexy to talk about the flavours she is getting. When she lists wet carpet as the final flavour that’s tickling her receptors, the attendees shake their beards and the teacher nearly self-combusts with her petulance.

Wine Connoisseur: A grape may just be a grape to you, but everyone else is here to learn something about this fascinating Boudreaux.

Sam and Lexy leave as they burst into hysterics once more.

Lee: There was nice chemistry between those two in this scene. I’m feeling things.

Sarah: Nice to see the DS having a giggle.

Sadie’s French Maid costume has gone from cheeseboard to headboard as she ties Lauren’s hands behind her head and brings her to orgasm.  Fully in control, the Dodgeress makes Lauren apologise for her rudeness earlier.

Lauren gets a work phone call that pulls her out of bed and jolts her back into the stress of work. Sadie asks her about a party she overheard her mention, but Lauren tells her that it’ll be as dull as dishwater. Lauren skips away like a woman who has just been f–ked by a hot French maid in her lunch break, handing Sadie a wodge of cash to cover the hotel room. This leaves Sadie looking slightly dejected and perhaps feeling slightly used.

Lexy and Sam are outside drinking wine, giggling together because of that aforementioned chemistry, plus they are most likely half cut by now.

Sam: Oh God, it feels like I haven’t used those muscles in a while. [playing with her jaw]

Lexy: Sam, you don’t have to feel guilty about having fun.

Sam: I thought Cat was f–king Frankie.

Lexy: What.

Sam: It doesn’t matter, I was wrong. I just, I feel a little bit shit about it.

Lexy tries to diagnose Sam telling her that guilt is a very normal emotion post loss but Sam laughs this off suggesting they are together not for professional chats but to drink wine.  But it just so happens that Lexy needs Sam’s professional advice. She tells Sam about her latest weird encounters and wonders what the devil she thinks may be going on. Sam questions whether it’s Lexy’s girlfriend playing silly buggers. Lexy tells her that she doesn’t have a girl, to which Sam looks pained, because now neither does she. She makes her excuses to visit the little ladies room.

Inside, Sam begins to get the first stirrings of another attack and heads straight for a fire exit. After a while, Lexy follows Sam’s trail to find her outside breathing uncomfortably into her hands. Lexy calms her and Sam comes out of her state and runs her eyes over Lexy’s face which suggests a stirring of sexual wonderment. Lexy snaps her from this and walks her home.

Sadie is settling her hotel bill by a very surly receptionist who gives her a look of judgment, knowing that this room was rented by the hour not by the night.

Tess is alone with Nora’s bottle of champagne looking at a flyer for a Roller Derby. She has the brilliant idea of inviting Lexy to come rollerskating with her, because of course that’s how all love stories begin, with rollerskates and broken noses. She fishes out her old skates from under her bed and gets practicing with very little success. She is on her back and wobbling like a very precarious one more than gliding on her feet.

Lee: Remember I nearly joined a roller derby team? I was going to be Lee-Thal Weapon.

Sarah: Until you realised that face elbowing was allowed.

Lee: If I’m honest, I just wanted the outfit and the name.

Sarah: I liked you in the outfit.

Lexy and Sam are having breakfast together after yet another jog around the Weege. Sam tells her that her little grey cells have been spinning over Lexy’s recent strange happenings and tells her that keeping a diary of everything is the way forward. Lexy thinks this may be taking the situation a little bit too seriously. She is more concerned about Sam’s panic attacks but Sam is a very tightlipped individual and doth not like to show a weakness so she shrugs it off and announces that she’s getting herself a Danish to end the conversation. Look at these two all worried about each other. The relationship has planted some proper seeds now. Seeds of love, we hope. Oh, we did not even know that we really hoped that until we just typed it. Interesting.

Lexy is home and Tess is ready, lounging with a magazine in the kitchen with her assets very much on show. She shuffles into the hall to meet Lexy who does not give them a glance, but this does not perturb Tess as she has a plan.

Tess: I was just reading an article in The List (Scotland’s going out bible) about skateboarding. Not that I am into skateboarding. Anyway, anyway there was an advert for a roller disco, which I was pretty good at back in the day — could go backwards and everything. Anyway, um it’s on tonight.

Lexy: Yeah? Sounds cool.

Tess: Brilliant.

So just like that, Tess believes stage one has been reached. However it is plain to the observer that Lexy was not really paying attention. Just then Sadie comes out of the bathroom with a very large towel turban on her head. Lexy asks if getting her article published is going well.

Sadie: I suppose it will when she’s [Lauren] read it.

Tess and Lexy exchange knowing glances to each other.

Lexy is with Gay Stud at the hospital.

Sarah: Whenever Lexy or Gay Stud are on a ward, I’ve never seen them without the other one. They’re like Cannon and Ball of the medical world.

Lee: Cannon and Ball?

Bea has somehow sorted her life out and is free that evening so Lexy invites her over to her place. This is all very casual and Lexy is delighted that the no strings are clearly visible again, so to speak.

Tess and Hipflask are back in the rehearsal fold bitching about their lives and the general misery of it. Hipflask has just been given access to his and his ex-wife’s dog at weekends. This does not satisfy him one jot because he believes this will lead to her and Thomas Delaware being able to hot foot it to various romantic weekend citybreak destinations and he is preparing for a battle.

Hipflask: [looking at Nora entering] And if that one cuts up rough today she can have a piece of me too.

However Nora has flown in with a personality makeover as she gives both Tess and Hipflask a compliment, much to their obvious delight.

Sarah: Did Nora just need a massive shag to sort out her personality?

Lee: That is sometimes all a person needs.

Sadie is back at her day job looking like a French Fancy with her hat on trying to remember the cheeses on her trolley. It’s clear that her desire to learn the cheese board is about as strong and real as a Dairylea triangle.

Head Honcho: This restaurant is famous for its cheese board and there are plenty of genuine cheese enthusiasts out there who would give anything for this job.

Sadie: I know, I am sorry… I just really, really need the loo.

Lee: I would genuinely love this job. They could pay me in cheese.

Sarah: I couldn’t wear that hat, not even for cheese.

Sadie really did need the loo — as a location for a line of coke. At this point, we’d like to tell the Americans that coke-tooting in the toilets of the workplace is not quite as prolific as this show would have you believe. But let’s all just remember that this is television.

The cocaine turns out to be the very thing to unlock the part of Sadie’s brain labeled “Cheese knowledge” and she revisits her trolley with a splendid acquaintance of all things Stinky Bishop, Brie, Cheddar. Unfortunately our little cheese porn moment is interrupted by Sadie being accosted by a table of pushy men who suggest she and her girlfriend meet them later for sleazy times. She rebukes them with class and utter disdain. This riles them and they complain that the wine is corked. Sadie takes a long swig straight from their bottle and calmly tells him it is not. Once again, we wish Sadie was our friend. A friend that doesn’t have keys to our house.

Sam packs away Cat’s life into boxes and chucks that blasted bit of rotten old wood in the bin. We sigh a sigh of relief and hope that things will begin to look a bit brighter for Sam. But of course, we still haven’t resolved the bracelet or the mobile phone yet, and this is a television programme, so we are utter fools to hope this. And so are you, because we know that this is what you’re hoping too. The rules of telly won’t allow it, so get a hold of yourselves and smarten up.

Ed and Tess are having lunch, which naturally leads onto talking about Ed’s new lady friend. Tess tells her she is actually pleased as punch that they are together as both seem happy. This is because Tess is one of the loveliest TV Characters ever and it is upsetting us that no one is looking after her little hurt heart right now.

Ed asks her to come and spend the evening with him, Nora and Nora’s fine lesbi friend; in the hope Tess and lesbi friend would be a perfect match for one another. With a touch of smug delight Tess declines for she is set to tread the moonlight fantastic with fourwheels strapped to each foot and Lexy by her side.

Gay Stud and Lexy are together in the hospital. Again. In the canteen queue they spot Gay Stud’s Eye-candy-with-no-name a few bodies along. Lexy tells Gay Stud that all the signs point to yes, namely yes he is gay. Gay Stud is wobbly and Lexy goes over to settle the to-ing and fro-ing once and for all, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

Lexy: I was thinking about getting the Moroccan Tagine. I’ve always wanted to go to Morocco. Have you ever been to Morocco?

Eye-candy-with-no-name: Um, yes I have.

Lexy: Okay cool, who did you go with?

Eye-candy-with-no-name: With my sister.

Lexy: Not your…

Eye-candy-with-no-name: Not my wife no, but I am gay.

Back in the kitchens, Sadie is texting Lauren about meeting later and reading her article. She is spotted by Head Honcho who begins to release his Malcolm Tucker-esque wrath onto her, but she’s had enough of him and the stupid hat and hotfoots it out of the building without a job, but with a handbag full of delicious cheese and a rather lovely cheese knife.

With built up composure Sam walks to Ryder. She wishes to have Cat’s final possessions. Ryder somberly reiterates his condolences as he hand them over.

Sarah: Oh my Judy Finnegan, the bracelet, the bracelet, the f–king bracelet!

The Artful Dodgeress is waiting on Lauren, who arrives like an overspill of teenage hormones launching herself onto Sadie’s lips as soon as she opens the door.

Sadie: Err, work before pleasure. Did you read my article?

It is not crystal whether Lauren has or she hasn’t, but she tells her that the magazine is full over the next few months. Sadie’s resolve drops because she is back to square one without the cheese job and has no pennies rolling in at all.

Sensing that she isn’t going to get her leg over if Sadie stays glum, Lauren invites her to the ‘so called dull’ party and says that this may well be the ticket to drag her back into the tax-payers game. With that news, the Artful Dodgeress allows Lauren to have her wicked way. A piece for a piece some might say.

Sam sits alone in a room at work going through the bag that holds Cat’s personal possessions. She pulls out the mobile that has its screen smashed, the violence of which is disturbing, although convenient for Frankie and Cat’s secret. She looks at the passport photo of them smiling together and then her eyes hover over the one object she does not recognize.

Sarah: Oh my Judy Finnegan, the bracelet, the bracelet, the f–king bracelet!

She scans the bracelet and sucks in the air to keep her steady as she sees “F/C” inscribed in the inside; her suspicions of Cat and Frankie’s relationship once again ablaze.

Lee: This is horrible. How can a piece of jewelry be so hateful?

Lauren buttons up her shirt and asks Sadie to settle the hotel bill once more. In a surprise move, the Artful Dodgeress does not stay true to her nifty ways by revealing last time she was given too much and so takes less than offered this time around and hands her change back to Lauren from last time. When Sadie asks about the party later that eve, Lauren shows minimal care for it and rushes away once more, with not so much as a glance backwards.

Lee: Ooh the power shift is quite apparent.

Sarah: I like that Sadie didn’t take the dollars.

DS Sam Murray plugs in a charger to Cat’s phone in the hope it will reboot and she can get evidence about Cat and Frankie’s misbehaviors – or not – whatever the case may be. This has no success so she slams it against the wall in frustration and opens a laptop to study the CCTV of Cat’s last footsteps.

Sarah: This is a very distressing scene.

Lee: Again the acting from Miss Peace is excellent.

Tess arrives home to Lexy cooking up a storm. She assumes that Lexy is just preparing this before they strap on their skates and skate on out of there. Alas she is cooking for her and Bea because she has no recollection of making the roller disco plan.

Sarah: I knew she wasn’t listening.

Tess covers her blatant disappointment by telling her this turn of events is indeed positive because she has a lesbi friend she needs to meet, sent to her by Nora and Ed. She covers her crushing disappointment well and Lexy has no clue, wishes her well on her date and continues to make fancy foods.

Sadie arrives at Lauren’s party and waves to her across the room. Lauren doesn’t acknowledge her; she continues to talk to the relevant high flyers and leaves Sadie to look uncomfortable and very much like a duck out of water.

Lee: I am not liking this Lauren woman at all.  She is making me think she isn’t attractive anymore. Although she is.

Sarah: She is certainly not attractive. Wise up.

Tess is ready to rock and roll and confidently strides into pick up her bag in preparation to leave for her lesbi friend blind date.

Lexy: [eyes popping out of her head] Wow, you look hot.

Tess: Thanks. Is Bea not here yet?

Lexy: No she cancelled, she’s throwing up.

Tess: Look I’ll call Ed and cancel. We’ve still got time to go to the roller disco.

Lexy is not interested and literally pushes Tess out of the door telling her she may meet the one. Tess leaves silenced and with a heavy heart.

Lee:  I really want this date to go well.

Sarah: It won’t go well, of course it won’t. Tess’s character can’t ever be fully happy; she’s the funny one, the clumsy one, the one that gives the light relief. If she’s settled and happy there’s no real storyline.

Lee: I’m not looking for your opinion here; I just want Tess to be happy.

Sarah: I’m right though, and I know that everyone worried that Frankie and Cat’s absence would be too big a hole, but really it would be Tess’s absence that left the biggest hole in this show.

Lee: I don’t care about what you are saying. I’m not even listening to you. I just want this date to go well for Tess.

Lexy’s phone goes and she is told that it’s her bank calling. They ask her security questions, namely reading out her address and asking her to confirm that’s where she lives. She forgets for a second that she’s a very intelligent doctor and foolishly corrects and confirms the address and the phone goes silent. Panic stricken she asks who the caller is as it is clearly not her bank. She hangs up and looks very worried indeed. And who wouldn’t be worried, we’ve all seen Scream.

DS Sam Murray is still watching the torturous CCTV footage alone and observes Cat on the day of her birth/death day leaving her supposed meeting place moments after arriving, and ultimately leaving her. The confirmation that the dull nagging paranoia that she had been experiencing since Cat’s death was indeed founded in reality pulls all of the air from Sam’s lungs.

Tess arrives to meet Ed, Nora and lesbi friend in a bar. Lesbi friend immediately regales a story about how she’s a bit radio rental. This story is backed up by the example of the time she chucked beer over a fat girl, which seems a perfect way not to endear herself into Tess or any normal person’s heart.

However Ed and Nora seem determined to get these two together and make their excuses to leave for a cigarette — although neither consumes the Tabac. Tess looks entirely uninspired but she forces herself to be onwards and upwards. Her lesbi friend tells her very proudly she is a make-up artist on Cardiac Care; again another pellet of revulsion strikes Tess.

The Artful Dodgeress is still a loner at the party, until she takes the initiative and tells two men that she is a loner with no work and asks if they have anything going. They admire her frankness and it transpires they are looking for someone with property skills. These are skills that Sadie has. Sadie puts her hand in her bag to find her business card only to stick it right into a round of Brie. She excuses herself.

Whilst washing her cheesy fingers in the bathroom, she has some friendly banter with a pleasant woman who runs an art gallery. This, it transpires, is Jo Glass, Lauren’s partner. Of course it is.

Sam is still in the room, alone in the dark watching for Cat’s last movements. She is determined. She observes Cat enter Frankie’s flat. Ryder comes in and asks what she’s up to. Sam lies and pretends she is observing the streets for Lexy and her suspected stalker. Ryder tells her she would be up shit creek without a paddle if she was caught, but agrees to turn a blind eye and leaves her to it.

Lexy is alone in her flat uneasily eating her tea. She tries to start a “stalker diary” as advised by Sam and imaginatively writes “Stalker diary” on the front, but rejects the idea as soon as it begins.

Sam is still glued to the CCTV footage and watches Cat leave Frankie’s house and place a bracelet into her bag. She has the evidence that Frankie and Cat were indeed having an affair. Sam puts her head to her hands, defeated by the truth.

Back in the bar, Tess orders another bottle of wine because her lesbi friend is telling her straight actresses are always trying to live out their lesbian fantasies on her and this is one of the only ways she can get through it.

Lesbi Friend: We’re a rare breed you and me: pretty dykes. I mean it’s a bit of a dog’s home out there isn’t it?

Tess: Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that…

Lee: This is so funny, you hardly ever see this type of awful lesbian on TV, but by god do they exist.

Sarah: Well to be fair, you hardly ever see any type of lesbian on TV.

Lee: But by god do we exist.

The lesbi friend continues to display traits of utter shallowness by bragging about sleeping with Cardiac Care actresses and suspecting Tess would prefer to be in Cardiac Care and give Chekhov the big heave ho. Tess plunders from more vino to try to get herself through it.

The Artful Dodgeress and Jo Glass walk from the toilets as if old friends. Lauren spots them and races across the room like a panicked bullet out of a pistol.  Jo Glass tells her she must use her influence to aid Sadie’s unemployment troubles. Lauren smiles and looks the epicenter of awkwardness, as well she might. The power slides back into Sadie’s palm.

Lesbi friend is still boring the coconuts off of Tess, but she is coping due to being very squiffy through her vino intake. When Lesbi friend wonders where Ed and Nora are, Tess uses this as an opportunity to bolt. She finds them up against a wall outside, Nora’s skirt risen, Ed’s something else risen, just riding. This is unpleasant viewing for Tess and we don’t much enjoy it either.

She heads back inside to find her chair has been pulled inwards and kisses are being planted upon her. She considers for a moment, and then maybe because Sadie, Lexy and Ed are now all at it like rabbits, she throws caution to the wind and gets involved with a comical shrug.

They continue their fumblings back at Tess’ flat and just before Tess pulls off Lesbi Friend’s top, she introduces some questionable sex talk to the proceedings.

Lesbi Friend: Say stand and deliver… I’m a beautiful princess and you’re a fearless highway woman holding up my carriage.

Tess is not feeing this bizarre role-play but because she wants to get her rocks off, she goes with it. A few seconds later though lesbi friend tells her to rub her royal lady mount and at this point Tess has had her fill, cough, cough. She pretends she has all manner of illness suddenly upon her, including a rather random leg tingling. Lesbi Friend falls for this hook line and sinker and when Tess mentions she will be fine because there is a doctor in the house; Lesbi Friend takes this as a spur to rouse Lexy from her slumbers, despite Tess’ protests.

When Lexy comes to Tess’ aid, Tess mouths the words “Help Me.” Lexy cottons on quickly that it would be ideal for the beautiful princess to take her royal lady mound elsewhere as soon as possible. They both bite their lips to refrain from expelling laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Lexy: I don’t like the sound of this. It could be bacterial hydritus in which case we’re going to have to take her in. So if you could maybe go home.

Lesbi Friend: Oh I don’t mind staying, keeping an eye on Tess while you sleep.

Lexy: Oh no, no. No really go home.

Lesbi Friend: Why? Do you think it’s infectious?

Lexy: Unfortunately, very.

Lesbi friend leaves and Tess and Lexy roll around in hysterics on her bed.

Lauren tries to usher Sadie away from Jo Glass by suggesting that she introduce her to some contacts. Sadie tells her not to bother for she has a new job, working with Jo Glass in the art gallery. Lauren tries to hide her horror through false smiles. She heads back to her office to pick up a few things and Sadie follows her on the sly. Lauren questions what crazy game Sadie is playing and she tells her it is a practical maneuver and circles her like a lioness circling its mate. They kiss passionately.

Lee: Ah f–k, Sadie’s just gone right down in my estimation. You need to be a bit of a dickhead to continue with this once you’ve met the wife.

Sarah: Lauren’s even worse though. The Jo lady seems too cool for her.

Lee: Jo Glass would never wear that horrible jacket.

A ferocious Sam bangs at the door like a mad woman waking Lexy; Lexy is not destined to get any shuteye this eve. Sam is incensed and spits out that Cat was f–king Frankie before she died and how she gathered the evidence.

Sam: She could have told me she could have given me that at least. Frankie. that useless bitch.

Sarah: We’re becoming repetitive but really Heather’s acting is just phenomenal in these episodes.

Lexy holds her because no words will remedy her pain. Sam is completely desperate and tries to kiss Lexy, quite forcefully a few times over. It pains her but Lexy resists, finally pushing her away in a mammoth heave of willpower.

Lexy: Sam, don’t! Stop it! I don’t want it, not like this, OK.

Sam awakening from the fury, apologises, and leaves leaving Lexy calling after her.

Lee: What an episode that was.

Sarah: I know. I’m not sure that it can quite come across on this recap how good it was, even the additional cast members like lesbi friend and the cheese honcho were brilliance.

So just two measly little hours of Lip Service left to go until the end of the series. What did you think lesbians? And if you’re enjoying this series then make sure you’re telling BBC3 because there is still no word on Series 3. And that doesn’t bear thinking about.

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