Ed has driven Tess to Lou Foster’s house with her face made up pretty as a picture, suspenders and fancy French knickers donned. Ed looks down to see her straightening out her suspenders and there is a good chance his eyeballs could fall out – but not in a creepy way.
Tess justifies her impromptu arrival at Lou Foster’s home, as she will provide calm to her girlfriend’s stress – which is what a good secret girlfriend should do. She knocks on Lou’s door but nobody is home. Just then, Lou turns onto the street with Tom-the-prick, cackling and inviting him upstairs. Of course, if you didn’t realise it by now – Tom is not just a prick he is also Lou’s secret ex-married-boyfriend.
Lou Foster: [shaken but not stirred] Tess, what are you doing here?
Tess: [tears in her eyes] I came to see if you were okay.
Tom-the-prick: [in a really prickish tone] I didn’t think we’d be seeing you again in a hurry.
Tess: Why? Because I’m just one big f–king joke to you? [looks at Lou] Is that it?
Ed gets out of his Beetle and begins to take Tess away. She asks Lou Foster why she couldn’t have just told her. Tom-the-prick looks like his tiny little peanut brain is beginning to slot pieces together and questions whether Lou is getting her leg-over with Ed.
Tess: Try again.
Tom-the-prick: [realising] Oh Jesus Christ, Lou.
Lou Foster: [crying] Please just give us a minute, please.
Tom-the-prick looks like his head has just been filled with outlandish modern day madness. Two girls. Having sex. Now there’s an idea.
Lou Foster: I don’t know what to say.
Tess: Oh, I’m really sorry. This must be really difficult for you.
Lou Foster: [all snottery and teary] It is!
Tess asks her to unravel herself and be honest about what she’s feeling. Lou Foster chooses to take the safer, straighter route by pretending her relationship with Tom is going to lead to different happy times. Tess tells a sobbing Lou Foster that it’s not too late for their relationship, but Lou Foster apologises because she doesn’t have the strength to have a relationship with a woman, however much her heart may be telling her otherwise.
Lou has slipped through Tess’ fingers and Prince-Edward comes to take her away before Tess loses all dignity and starts pleading with Lou Foster not to go away. Tom-the-Prick calls Lou Foster like a spaniel back into the house.
Tess: Yes, because we don’t want to cause a scene do we?
Tom-the-Prick: I think you managed that one already sweetheart. Run along, yeah?
Ed: Excuse me ,who do you think you are talking to? I don’t want you talking to my friend like she is an inconsequential piece of crap.
Tom the Prick: You said it.
Then quite unexpectedly – for everyone, including Ed – little Ed punches Tom-the-prick right on the hooter.
Sarah: That was brilliant. That flooring was from us all.
Lee: I’m just sad about Lou and Tess. It’s an inevitable sadness, but sadness nonetheless.
Ed and Tess get in the car. Tess is in floods of tears and Ed is looking at his fist like he’s never seen it before.
Frankie has called Sadie to go for some alcoholic beverages. Whilst they walk to the pub, she spots Cat and DS Murray on the other side of the street, holding each other as they walk joyfully like a perfect couple in love. Everything drowns out for Frankie, apart from the pain that this sight inflicts upon her.
At the pub, Frankie and Sadie have been joined by Ed and Tess. Ed comforts Tess over her heart-break, telling her she is far better than Tom-the-Prick. Frankie suggests she could make a packet if she went to the press and told them about her and Lou Foster’s relationship. Sadie’s ears prick up and the artful dodgeress may be hatching a plan.
Becky and Jay arrive, quite the happy couple and Frankie looks at them questionably, not convinced her mate is anything close to the monogamous, mortgage-seeker he pretends to be. Sadie comments on Becky’s necklace with an East End London twinkle in her eye, and then offers to find Frankie and Tess a flat.