Tess is wrapped in a chair, completely immersed in the first draft of Ed’s book, The Rings Of Rhea. She glances over to the flat opposite to watch her eye candy exercising, but her lady is playing the elusive card and takes no notice of Tess’s gaze. Amidst the debris of last night’s alcohol remnants, Frankie comes in to get a glass of water and drops in an Alka Seltzer to ease her pain. Tess excitedly tells her the basic plot of Ed’s book and how genuinely wonderful she thinks it is.
Sarah: A scientist who loves a woman but can’t have her because she’s a different species?
Lee: Wherever did the boy get his inspiration?
Tess: Did you and Jay stay up long after I crashed?
Frankie: Not really.
Tess: Cos I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink and…
Frankie: You saw.
Frankie brushes her brief encounter with Jay aside as a non-event and simplifies it to just a drunken act. Tess is perplexed – complete with wonderful Tess perplexed face – as to how Frankie could get her rocks off with a man and his bits. Frankie tells her that it’s just like a strap-on but without the strap. How post-modern.
They both agree that Becky is not going to find out and Frankie wanders off trying to ooze out the confidence that everything can just remain the way it was pre-Jay f–k.
Tess: [calling after her] As long as you’re not going all hasbian on me?
Jay is at work experiencing such obvious pangs of regret that they might as well be written on his face with magic marker. Cat approaches him and asks when he knew he was in love with Becky, as she’s clearly struggling with a name for her feelings for the hot cop. Not surprisingly, Jay’s combined feelings of paranoia and guilt stop him engaging properly and she’s left with another furrowed brow.
Frankie arrives at work with a slightly contrived cheerful manner and tries to have her normal banter with Jay. Unlike her, he can’t shrug off the shame and goes to photocopy his arse or something, just to further demonstrate his maturity. Cat’s only words to Frankie are that she’s surprised to see her; so, all in all, not a great welcome to work for Frankie.
Ed arrives at Tess’s flat in his duffel coat, and despite promising Frankie she’d keep quiet, Tess tells him what she saw on her night travels before he can even undo his toggles. Feeling a little chink of hope, he questions Frankie’s sexuality and tries to shift this line of questioning onto Tess, but she doesn’t really hear him because she’s having far too much fun still gossiping about Frankie and Jay.
Ed hands her an early 30th birthday present – a lovely picture of them together on holiday a few years ago.
Lee: Ed should just carve the words, “I love you Tess” in blood on his naked chest and tear open his shirt to reveal it because that’s what this present is telling her.
Sarah: That would be a creepy but not boring gift. How can Tess really be that oblivious to his rampant man-love?
He asks about her plans for her 30th birthday but she doesn’t want to celebrate because nothing in her life is how she envisaged it would be by this age. Oh Tess, you’ve got bongos in your flat, what more could you want?
Tess can at least take comfort in the fact that she and Ed are tea-drinking losers together, but then Ed tells her that he has sent a draft of his book to a few agents. Feeling slightly unsettled by the news that since punching Tom-the-Prick, Ed-the-Fist is here to stay, Tess says that she, too, has an appointment with her agent.
Frankie apologises to Cat for calling the DS to save her bacon after Shave-gate. She explains about her chat with Uncle Fester, and how Alma Carter is most likely her mother, but she has no idea how to track her down. Cat is empathetic about Frankie’s attempts at genealogy and seems to forgive her for last night. Not sure the DS would be that forgiving.