Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap – Episode 5

This should really have been enough to shut up this line of questioning, but suddenly the straight man decides to show that no matter how thick his girlfriend can be, he can be even thicker.

Straight man: You mentioned kids. Is that something you think about? [face like constipation]
Italian girl: Yes, me and my partner are going to have a baby.
Straight man: How’s that going to work?
Straight girl: Will you just go out and see a man and think he’s cute …
Straight man: And have a one night stand?

Sarah: What part of lesbian do they not understand?
Lee: I think it’s the part about how we don’t like having sex with a penis attached to a man.

Straight man: Could you have sex with a man?

Lee, Sarah: You are a complete knob-neck.

Italian girl: No. Would you be okay with your girlfriend having sex with another man to have a child?
Shoreditch Jo: So how did you guys all enjoy dinner?

Now, just in case any of you haven’t met any straight people before, or you don’t really have any straight friends, don’t let this couple put you off them. Not all straight people are complete twats.

Shabby and Cheryl are in Brighton wearing matching hats. They’re meeting a TV company to pitch their idea. Hopefully they’ve worked it up a little bit more.

They show their taster to a TV producer from Lambert Productions. On The Road To Bohemia appears on screen.

Producer: Oh, I like your font.

Sarah: Oh, I like a woman that appreciates a good font.

The taster actually looks OK now that it’s all cut together, and the producer also seems impressed with this and with their pitch. At this compliment, both Shabby and Cheryl turn into blushing, proud little schoolgirls which is actually very sweet.

In East London, Shoreditch Jo is on the look for an “unusual scoop for her magazine” says the voiceover. This turns out to be an article on the latest sex toys, which we’ve all known about since ye olden days of lesbianism so isn’t really an unusual scoop is it?

Jo meets her friends at the sex shop. One of them shouts “Jo!” really loudly when she arrives and waves a dildo in the air, a well-known lesbian greeting in Shoreditch.

They begin looking at something called the Cone, which looks like a party hat and therefore it doesn’t seem like a good vagina option.

Jo says that gay women need to be more open about sex because it is sexuality and those things are intertwined. She says that one of the first questions she often gets asked by people is “What do women do in bed?” We say Jo needs to hang around with different people, because that is a very rude first question. Ever positive, Jo just sees this as a chance to educate people. 

The girls are taken on a sex toy tour by salesgirl Joanne and they finger various dildos, strap-ons, anal beads and wonder if a suede harness might get a bit mucky. Joanne assures them that if it does, “You can just buff it.”

It’s been a week since Shabby’s pitch. She checks her email and one is waiting from the producer. It says that the producer liked meeting Shabby and thinks she’d make an excellent TV presenter, that she’s keen to work with her. She tells her, “Let’s see if we can get you a show.” Shabby looks delighted and kisses the computer screen.

Lee: What about Cheryl? I thought they were in this together.
Sarah: Awkward.

As well as being the mac daddy of Candy Bar, Gary also owns a boy bar called Ku. For some reason he’s decided to swap them round for one night a week. Ku’s all-boy staff take over at Candy Bar and straight away they seem a much more disciplined lot than Alex, Lizu and company.

Over at Ku, Sam, Leelee and Lizu prepare to fill the much bigger Ku bar with lesbians. They blow up balloons and prepare a chocolate fountain to attract the ladies. But Sam is worried when the bar is still full of boys at 9 o’clock so she sends out a bat signal that is answered by two pole dancers and presto the place is packed to the rafters with lesbians.

Back at Candy Bar, there are lots of men with their tops off, wearing very small shorts.  Sam heads over for a sneaky peek and probably to check that the men aren’t pissing all over the toilet floor. Seriously, what is that about? All those years with a penis and still no aim?

Sam is happy, the punters are happy. It seems that Gary’s madcap ideas have once again paid off.

In North London, Shoreditch Jo is a guest on The Joel Kafetz Show (a Jewish gay and lesbian internet radio show).  Joel and Jo meet and we have to turn the volume down because they just shout a bunch of high-pitched words at each other then run up the stairs to start the show.

Happy days. Jo’s mum is the surprise mystery caller on the show and is pitted against Jo in a gay news quiz. We’ve missed the first question, but the answer was Matt Smith and Jo’s mum gets it right, she also gets the second one right and wins the quiz. But Jo’s the real winner because at the end of the show she’s offered the job as Joel’s co-presenter.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet,
they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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