Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap – Episode 5

It seems that Shabby is also confusing herself. As she reviews the footage of herself, she quite rightly admits that she is talking bollocks and a TV exec would not be particularly impressed. She then becomes much more serious and admits that she moves projects so often because she doesn’t actually think she’s much good at anything and her cockiness just masks her insecurity. 

In a tremendous twist of fate, Shoreditch Jo’s friend (who lives in East London) is going on holiday and has asked Jo to flat sit. To celebrate, Jo decides to throw a Friday night dinner party with the aim of sharing a bit of Jewish culture with girlfriend, Alicia. Despite her earlier desperation to get away from her parents, she brings her mum, who brings a big chicken. Jo soon regrets inviting her mum as she follows her around the house asking things like, “Why are you dressed like that, aren’t you cold?” and “Can’t you turn on the oven?” and “Is there enough cutlery?” The answer to all of these questions is no, no and no.

Then, the best piece of dialogue on Candy Bar Girls yet happens:

Jo’s mum [looking at the oven]: It’s so greasy.
Jo: Mum, let’s not insult the oven.

As the guests arrive, the voiceover tells us that tonight’s guests are a cosmopolitan bunch. We wouldn’t expect anything less from Jo’s social circle.

As one girl arrives she says to Jo’s mum,”You have already met me, but I was dressed as a man.”
Jo’s mum, going in for a kiss, replies, “That’s right.”

As they are a cosmopolitan bunch, the conversation soon turns to what it’s like to be gay in other countries.

Jo’s Italian friend: The advice mothers would give to their daughters is, “Well you can fake it, you’re a woman.You don’t have to be gay, we’ve been doing it for years.”

Jo’s mum [massive glass of wine in hand]: That is ridiculous.

Lee: I’m starting to wish that this show was actually just Shoreditch Jo and her mum.
Sarah: They should have a spin off with Sandra as the supporting character.

Then a couple of heterosexuals arrive and they actually look quite normal, not like you would expect straight people to look. We totally wouldn’t have guessed that they weren’t gay. How stupid do those last sentences sound? About as stupid as everything the straight girl says next.

We’ll paraphrase because her chat is so boring and we’ve all heard it a million times. She basically can’t believe the pretty Italian girl is gay because you normally expect lesbians to be unattractive. She then goes on to endear herself to the group further by holding her head in her hands and asking, “But what do women do? I need … something.”

Credit to the Italian lady who doesn’t pick up a chicken drumstick and wallop her over the head. Instead, she calmly explains that lesbians just love each other the way straight people do, that we don’t need a penis to make love, and if we do require penetration then we can strap it on. At precisely this moment, Jo’s mum says,”Humus anyone?”

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