Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap – Episode 5


Some of the Candy Bar girls begin to arrive, including Natalie, Kayley, Shoreditch Jo and Christina Novelli. Now considering they have obviously been told to be there because they’re characters in this TV show, we’re worried about Sam meeting her double/triple takings because the night is sparse of other lesbians. We’re then introduced to Stuart, the evening’s same-sex Salsa Supremo, which is frankly, a fabulous job title. As the ten or so lesbians salsa, we feel heart-warmed by Sam’s endless optimism and ability to apply polish to a turd.

Sam [smiling]: It’s great to see all the different personalities dancing, you’ve got some having a laugh, another two taking it quite seriously – but still having a laugh – and then the lovebirds really trying and getting it and loving it.

In East London, Rox is desperately trying to clean away her dirty socks, bean encrusted plates and mouldy old cups in time for Rachel to arrive back from Brazil.

Lee: It must be in the lesbian handbook that when your girlfriend is away you can just eat fish fingers and biscuits all week and wear the same t-shirt. It definitely says that in mine.

Rox heads to the airport to meet Rachel from her flight with a handmade, heart-edged sign. After every other passenger has gotten off the flight, picked up their luggage, arrived home and done a white wash, Rachel finally appears. They have a big old snog in the airport, which is lovely, then head home so happy together.

It was Rachel’s birthday while she was in Brazil, so she has some presents to open from Rox. There is a slightly weird build up to the fact that it might be an engagement ring. It isn’t. It’s a trip to New York, which they are both squealy about.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for: Shoreditch Jo is back in Shoreditch. Jo tells her girlfriend that Shoreditch is where her heart and soul is.

Sarah: She looks so much happier in Shoreditch
Lee: Definitely. She doesn’t belong in the North West.

The next scene is a long conversation between Jo and Alicia, but instead of boring you with the extended version, the gist is this: Jo doesn’t like staying with mum and dad and can’t wait to return to Shoreditch, East London. They leave a café where  - we don’t know how to tell you this without embarrassing everyone concerned – Jo leaps onto a small toy pony in the yard and does a double fist pump in the air. Her girlfriend finds this adorable, so who are we to judge. We’re probably just uptight. We don’t even really like Shoreditch.

Shabby and her friend Cheryl are in Soho wearing hats with a video camera in tow.

They’ve written a script with the idea of making some sort of audition or pilot for a TV idea they have, which is “following Shabby down the road to bohemia.” The voiceover then tells how directionless Shabby is over pictures of Shabby jumping up and down and gurning with Dizzee Rascal’s Bonkers in the background. She then reels off a list of jobs that she’s had which includes criminologist, anthropologist and poetry writer. Excuse me?

Lee: I’m confused by this Shabby. She bears no resemblance to the Shabby we’ve met, who was very intelligent, eloquent and charming.
Sarah: It’s very confusing.

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