Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap – Episode 1


Gary and Sandra are trying to pick a photo from the photo shoot. Gary wants to pick just one girl to represent the new look Candy Bar. He wants the image to comprise of a “here and now girl” and “a lesbian with attitude.” We don’t know who Gary wants yet but he has some very weird ideas, muttering something about straight men not liking the look of one of the girls.

Sandra helpfully reminds him that straight men are not target market.

Gary also doesn’t want to pick Alex. He believes her look appeals more to a gay man. He obviously didn’t see her pass out in her own vomit at the end of the photoshoot.

Shabby and a very intoxicated Red head for a second date in a club in Camden, again in very similar hats.

However they get into a drunken argument in the club and like a metaphoric gesture of their broken love, Red’s hat falls off mid- argument.

Jo is our next Candy Bar girl. She has just returned from a jaunt of traveling, where she hoped for a bit of self-discovery. But Jo is not the first and won’t be the last girl to discover that self-discovery is an expensive girlfriend and she’s has had to return penniless and jobless to live with her parents in North West London. She admits she can’t even feign excitement about her return because she once lived in… Shoreditch. Wow.

Jo’s mother is thus far the star performer in this tale of people connected somehow to the Candy Bar. She admits she never knew any lesbians before Jo’s coming out and always thought back in her heyday that lesbians only existed because they were left on the shelf and rather ugly.

It’s back to the Candy Bar and Gary is in another flap. He’s only spotted some pink on the actual Candy Bar sign. F–ksake vagina lovers. Whilst everywhere is a mess with paint and equipment Jessie D goes to practice some pole dancing – and weirdly there is a really contrived scene that shows the bar’s builders arrive to perv all around her.

Sarah: It’s like they suddenly realised they’d forgotten to sexualise the show for straight men.

Whilst in North West London and not Shoreditch, Jo can’t help but be negative about her mother cooking her some salmon, because Jo has also been to Paris.

Whilst she chews on her fish, Jo’s dad tells her how her lesbianism has made him more accepting and less judgmental. Jo’s mum has a face consumed with awkwardness and scratches the table, but does later suggest that maybe because there were rumours at Jo‘s very, very good school that lesbianism was rife that maybe gays are more intelligent than the average. Jo’s mum is a keeper.

Jessie D takes Lucy into their bedroom, but has much trouble trying to form a sentence and instead keeps gulping air and then acting surprised by her own nonsensical actions. She finally spits it out.

Jessie D: I think we would be happier if we were just friends.

Then, what follows is one of the most bizarre conversations two people have ever had in the entire world. Lucy is understandably a bit distressed at being dumped and asks for confirmation that she Jessie D does indeed not want to be with her.

Jessie D: I think we would just be happier apart, nothing really changes
Lucy: Well it kind of does, I kinda got to leave. I’ve got to find somewhere else to live.
Jessie D: It’s not like that; I look after you all the time.

Jessie D fakes yawns and keeps repeating that nothing has to change – except that actually they are no longer girlfriends and that maybe to offer this smooth transition she could go and live at her mums for a bit. Lucy asks for a future heads up on anything like this.

Lee: A future heads up on being dumped again? How would that work?

Like a sad “Where’s Wally?”, Lucy departs with a rucksack into the streets amid a melancholy piece of piano music. We’ll bet she blames London for this.

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