Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap – Episode 1

Those devils at Channel Five next throw Alex into the mix. She’s an Australian Bartender at Candy Bar who tells of a time she kissed a man and how there was too much hair and saliva going into her mouth – her eyes don‘t move once whilst she tells this cute little anecdote. We are told that although she’s mostly a shy girl, when Alex gets behind that bar she acts all crazy. We might have a wildcat on our hands here.

Both Jessie D and Alex are at the Candy Bar photoshoot with a bunch of other lezzers that we’re not introduced to. Each has apparently been picked to showcase today’s lesbian diversity, and if diversity is a handful of skinny, white femmey girls then they’ve got it spot on.  Because Alex is not behind the bar she is a quivering wreck. But fear not! Sandra is on hand to plough her with booze.

We suspect that this photographer is not really a photographer and this is his first ever photo shoot because he’s wearing a tracksuit, advises the girls to “just roll with it, yeah” and puts half-cut Alex into a pose which makes her look like a Christmas tree in her satin green dress.

Back at Candy Bar, Gary the owner is busy making the bar look new and different and has developed an obsessive hatred with anything pink.

Gary: I won’t be happy until I have got rid of everything pink.

Lee: I think Gary is afraid of the vagina.

A maintenance man walks in with a pink light filter and Gary nearly has a meltdown and spits out the word pink as if it was venom on his tongue. Or a vagina.

Due to Alex chucking back all the available vodka, the photo shoot descends into chaos. Alex is stumbling about all over the shop and waves her breasts in the photographer‘s face before crumpling in a heap on the floor.

Sarah: Alex is my kind of woman.
Lee: You always love the drunkards.

We also notice that Sandra has put herself into the picture with all the pretty girls she‘s selected, she really is a sly fox.

Lee: This is sounding like we think Sandra is using Candy Bar Girls as her own personal pink sofa?
Sarah: We don’t?
Lee: I think she’s just getting to know her market.

Next up, we have former Big Brother contestant Shabby. Since leaving the Big Brother house, she’s become a clothes designer, a DJ and she sings in a band. She amuses herself by describing all this “multi-tasking” as pie-fingering. Get it? Like a real cockney rebel she also sticks her middle fingers up at the camera.

Shabby is about to meet Red, a lady who has been away for a few months and who she has missed. She wants to move their relationship from friends to the bedroom but, my oh my, she thinks it’s a risk.

Lee: I don’t get why Shabby is in this show. There’s no way she’s been hanging about the Candy Bar.
Sarah: She’s in this show purely because they needed a name attached to it.
Lee: And they couldn’t get Sue Perkins.
Sarah: No, Sue was busy.

Shabby and Red meet in Yo Sushi and are wearing very similar hats. Soon however these things don’t matter and they’re kissing one another over the conveyor belt of raw fish. We somehow can’t help feel Channel 5 would like us to make a cheap fish joke here, but we will not. And it’s fine because Shabby has just made it for us.

Jessie D lives with her girlfriend of three years,  Lucy, who perhaps is being presented as the first butch of the show because she recently broke a door down for a reason that was not divulged.

Lucy: I said, “Stuff it, I’ll just kick the door in.” And so I did.

This couple is no regular Mrs. & Mrs. Smith, because since they recently moved to London they’ve begun an open relationship. They seem to blame London, the city itself, for the open relationship.

Sarah: Yes, London that total bitch. It’s been forcing happy couples to f–k other people for decades.
Lee: When will it end? When will London finally let us be monogamous?

Although, all is not ideal with “London living,” as Jessie D recently kissed one of Lucy’s friends.

Lucy: I am trying to teach her about the lesbian code. As incestuous as lesbians are portrayed to be we are all still loyal to each other as friends.

Sarah: Is that the lesbian code? To not get off with your girlfriend’s friends?
Lee: It’s number two of the code, just behind, “Don’t finger your girlfriend’s sister.”

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