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“Gotham” recap (1.6): Milke, Dix and Holy Ghosts on Bicycles

Welcome back to Gotham, the town that somebody has to run, so it might as well be Fish Mooney. Fish Mooney for Mayor 2014! Sadly there’s no Fish this week, but we do get the glorious return of Renee Montoya, Barbara Kean and their lingering eye sex.

The episode starts in a flashback to 10 years ago: we meet a younger, heroic, and less greasy version of Bullock and his curmudgeonly partner Det. Dix (played by Dan Hedaya, who will always be Cher Horowitz’s dad to me). Young Bullock is ready to storm into the lair of the Goat, a serial killer who preys on the first born of Gotham’s elite. Dix tells him to slow his role and wait for back-up, reminding him of Gotham’s golden rule: “No Heroes.” Bullock ignores him and dashes into the creepy abandoned theatre to be a Big Damn Hero.

Bullock and Dix are too late to save the latest victim, but they apprehend the Goat and Bullock shoots him dead. Unfortunately, Dix falls through a trap door and gets seriously messed up. Why do theatres even have trap doors? All I’ve ever seen them do is kill or maim people. Trap doors really seem like an insurance liability at this point, guys. Get a green screen or something.

Flash forward to the present, where someone is copycatting the Goat. Bullock is very disturbed and I think we finally found a case he gives a shit about. This set-up is a much needed injection of pathos into the character of Bullock…who knew he was the O.G. boy scout before Gordon landed on the scene? Now if only this show could give us some strong Gordon (or Renee or Barbara) back story to flesh him out…well, that would be a protagonist worth following.

Speaking of, Gordon and Barbara are patching things up after their fight. They continue the same argument where Gordon just wants to protect Barbara and Barbara just wants to know what the fuck is going on. Sidebar: Does Barbara have a job (other than professional bisexual)? What does she do all day besides demanding answers from Jim and defending him to her ex-girlfriend? Does she crochet? Does she recap TV shows? I’M SO CURIOUS.

Meanwhile, Montoya and Allen question a dockside hobo who claims to have witnessed Gordon killing Oswald Cobblepot. Oh Renee, I get you girl. You just want to protect Barbara, but you need to brush up on your police work. It’s not like Oswald is in hiding, he’s waddling all over town! There’s gotta be a more efficient way to win back your ex.

Gordon arrives at the crime scene, where Nigma is trying to get Bullock to solve his riddles. Poor Nigma just wants someone to play puzzles with, but everyone is more concerned with the actual crime scene than word games. No worries, I’m sure he’ll make some friends and go on to be a productive member of Gotham society.

Gordon and Bullock go to interview the grieving Hastings family (I didn’t know Spencer had relatives in Gotham), where they meet family therapist Dr. Marks, who I will now be referring to as Dr. McCreepy. The Hastings family is in emotional shambles, and Mr. Hastings keeps clenching and unclenching his fist. Bullock doesn’t believe in therapy, but he’s all about whatever drugs Dr. McCreepy is pushing on the family.

In the police archives, Nigma tries (and fails) to flirt with adorkable archivist Kristen Kringle. Here’s a tip: don’t smell a girl’s hair. Ever. Unless you’re both into it, in which case, sniff away.

Gordon and Bullock surmise that the Goat already has keys to his victim’s homes, and start checking maintenance crews and janitorial staff. They head on over to the autopsy of the victim, where they discover that the CopyGoat has sewn a penny into the victim’s scalp. YUCK…pennies are filthy, you guys. Bullock is dismayed, as that gross detail was kept out of the press.

We also check in with Oswald Cobblepot, who has finally gone home to visit his mother (played by the inimitable Carol Kane, aka Mrs. Miracle Max from The Princess Bride). As you’d expect, their relationship is creepy as hell and filled to the brim with mommy issues. We also find out that Oswald has no interest in dating women. Is Oswald playing for our team? He does seem awfully fond of Jim Gordon…

We now check in with Baby Bruce Wayne, who is watching the news of the Goat killings. One of the things that I really enjoy about Gotham is its never-ending supply of bonkers characters. No matter how small the role is, they always make sure to replace what could be a normal extra with a glorified cartoon person. This week we get TV news reporter Lacey White (LOL) an Elvira-looking talking head that seems WAY too excited about these murders. Tone it down a notch, lady. Or don’t. This newscast was my favorite part of the episode. Alfred is worried about Bruce’s safety, but Bruce says that he’s safe because there’s no one to take him away from. Dude, Alfred is standing right there.

Back at the archives, Nigma was reorganized Ms. Kringle’s filing system, which she told him not to fuck with. As a former library employee, I can assure you that reorganizing someone’s filing system is akin to running over their dog. NEVER MESS WITH THE (FILING) SYSTEM. Looks like no dates for Nigma.

Gordon and Bullock go to see Det. Dix to find out if he told anyone about the penny scalp. Dix is now in assisted living and in a wheelchair, because trap doors are basically the Jokers of the theatre world. Dix tells the boys that he didn’t think Milke acted alone. He claims that there is a larger conspiracy at work, which Gordon dismisses despite being embroiled in NOTHING but conspiracies since he first set foot in Gotham. We also find out that Bullock has been paying Dix’s room/board/porno mags. That’s sweet and all, but who even gets their porn from magazines? Get Dix some wireless internet and subscription to RedTube and be done with it.

We then see the CopyGoat abduct another rich Gotham daughter. If I ever move to Gotham, I am packing all of the mace. All of it.

Barbara goes to meet Renee on the courthouse steps, where she tells Renee that Gordon is innocent. But Barbara’s puppy dog eyes are no match for the cold hard facts: Renee has a witness and she has a warrant. Gordon is going down. Renee begs Barbara to leave town, but Barbara is staying put. Renee also asks her not to visit her again…we’ll see how long that lasts. Hey, Gotham: Now that we’re in the business of flashbacks, can we see Renee and Barb when they were a couple? I’d gladly trade some emo Bruce scenes for some Keatoya (?) development.

Meanwhile, Bullock and Gordon have tracked the CopyGoat to the same abandoned theatre from ten years ago. AGAIN, they don’t wait for backup and storm the creepy castle. This time, Gordon saves the girl while Bullock goes after CopyGoat. The partners apprehend the CopyGoat and save the day!

Over at Wayne manor, Bruce is asleep on the couch with the windows wide open because no one learns anything on this show. Selina Kyle slinks in, grabs a metal box/book from his desk, and slinks on out. Also, Oswald checks off the classic Mommy Issues TV trope of a grown man being bathed by his mother. Still as effective as ever for grossing us all out.

The detectives have the CopyGoat in custody, but something doesn’t sit right with Bullock. How is CopyGoat connected to O.G. Goat He sees Copygoat clenching his fists and puts the pieces together. It’s been Dr. McCreepy this whole time! Bullock confronts McCreepy, who has been using hypnotherapy to turn her patients into Gotham’s own Manchurian candidates. Turns out McCreepy is yet another in a long line of Gotham citizens looking to punish the greedy rich with murder and mayhem. Get in line, lady. She sics Mr. Hastings on Bullock, but Bullock is able to knock him down and shoot her in the ankle.

Gordon goes home to find that Barbara has packed their bags and wants to get the fuck out of Gotham. He refuses to run, and is immediately arrested by Montoya and Allen. They take him to the station where they also arrest Bullock. Captain Esson is pissed that her two main detectives are getting hauled off, but before anyone can object, Oswald Cobblepot shows up to exonerate Gordon. The episode ends with a furious Bullock and a relieved but angry Gordon. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board, Renee!

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