NEW YORK, NEW YORK
Kurt shows up a little late to his shift at the Starlight Diner because he’s been putting ads in The Village Voice about the new band he’s starting. Turns out Adam kicked him out of Adam’s Apples because Adam was 45 years old and had to graduate from NYADA and make grown-up friends some time because he heard a cautionary tale about a man called Will Schuester and it scared the shit out of him. Also, he was a little pissed that Kurt got engaged. Dani and Santana agree to be in Kurt’s band, thereby officially making it the greatest trio of all time, but Rachel can’t commit right now because she’s got school and work and Funny Girl and also the love of her life just died, so. Of particular note: Dani calls Santana “babe” and basically that plus performing one line of one song is the only thing Demi Lovato gets to do in the second of her six super special guest appearances, proving once again that nobody knows how to waste talent like Glee.
Dani and Kurt and Santana rent out that one studio at NYADA for band auditions and since only one person signed up to try out, they have plenty of time to argue about their band name. Apocalipsticks is Santana’s idea, but Kurt kind of hates it. Also he hates the name “Starchild,” which is what Adam Lambert is calling himself these days. He shows up wearing something Kurt calls “Project Runway, [derisive whisper] season six,” but can probably better be described as “Gay Gothic penguin meets actual sex.”
He performs “Marry the Night” in the most Adam Lambert-y way possible. By which I mean it is bigger and better and fuller and more commanding and awesome than New Directions’ whole “Applause” deal. They had more voices and more antics but Adam Lambert is Adam Lambert and so there’s no competition there, really. Santana is mad impressed and Dani is sexy as hell with that electric guitar, but Kurt — Kurt Hummel, OK, who has been known to wear a canary feather duster as an accessory and a variety of wool straight-jacket/dickey-ponchos and sweaters made out of actual reindeer — says Starchild needs to tone his shit down.
Back at the Hummelpezberry Bushwick loft, Rachel gently confronts Kurt about his Starchild animosity. He confesses that he’s tired of playing the best gay sidekick to everyone else’s superstar. Rachel already landed a Broadway role, Santana’s got that Yeast-I-Stat commercial, and plus he’s going to have a family to support soon enough and so what’s wrong with wanting a little mainstream success? Rachel smiles at him in that indulgent way that’s only not patronizing when it comes from her and goes, “You will never be happy trying to fit in because, sweetheart, you were born to stand out.” She tells him not to be threatened by Starchild’s whole gigantic deal and how different he is, but to embrace him as the brother he is. Kurt knows she’s right. What makes us weird is always what makes us awesome.
Sadly, Kurt didn’t get Starchild’s contact info — but Starchild is a resourceful fellow; he tracks down Kurt at the Starlight Diner, seats himself in Kurt’s section, and as Kurt is monotoneo-ing the daily specials, Starchild whips off his glasses like some kind of Clark Kent and reveals his true identity! He is Starchild! But actually, he is Elliot from New Jersey. He goes to NYU because he didn’t make the cut at NYADA (which: Ha!) and he would really very much like to be in a band with the coolest people he’s ever heard of. Kurt and Elliot, they’ve got chemistry, y’all, and Santana knows it. She hollers at Kurt to stop flirting because he’s engaged and Kurt laughs because not even Starchild’s whole Starchild deal could distract him from his own Starkid back home. Kurt invites Elliot to be in the band, and probably this is the moment when Fox realized they should be listening to what we’ve been saying for over a year: Glee needs to make the full-time move to New York. Why in the world would we want to see Santana-lite doing sexes with Puck-lite when we could be watching Naya Rivera and Chris Colfer and Lea Michele and Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato perform together?
And perform is what they do. It starts at McKinley and lands in Bushwick with “Roar.” There’s Darren Criss in a loin cloth for The Backlot crew and Naya Rivera swinging on a rope for the AfterEllen crew and Artie hanging on for dear life from a vine in the jungle because Glee‘s writers are still very confused about how wheelchairs work. Sad Marley watches sadly from the shadows because she’s a sad virgin who can’t drive.
Next week: Glee shuts down the entire twerking movement by showcasing Will twerking up and down the halls of his high school in khaki pants and a sweater vest.