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“Glee” recap (5.20): The Rachel Show

Here it is kids, the Glee finale.

Sam is raring to go because he’s landed an audition for Treasure Trails, which I think is either some sort of man-scaping product, or a new show at Cedar Point. One day he hopes his dream of appearing half naked on the side of a bus will become a reality. Mercedes is cool as long as she can scrawl “MINE” all over every one she sees. She’s busy getting ready to tour the malls of America like a regular old Tiffany. At Rachel and Kurt’s apartment, she preps the gang for the arrival of the writer the network hired to work on her pilot script. When there is a knock at the door, we are pleased to see our darling Brittany standing there. She’s all tan and glowy. Apparently she’s been stuck at the airport without a passport to come home for months. Surprisingly this is a detail that Santana left out. Brittany is phoneless since her breakup with Kiki, so she doesn’t know that Santana is on a wheat field in Iowa getting her Yeasti-Stat on. Pardon me for a moment while I collec….What the hell?! I’m sorry for my coarse language, but seriously? What kind of fuckery is this? Ok, moving on…

Soon after Brittany arrives, Rachel’s writer Mary Halloran shows up and she is a piece of work. She’s a little “Lena Dunhamesque” but a total train wreck whose bowels instantly kick in at the mere smell of food. Hopefully Kurt stocked up on the Charmin. After she takes care of business, Mary drags out an actual typewriter and tries to get a feeling for Rachel. Mary loves the gay dad angle (makes them astronauts) but loathes the Glee club parts (not enough irony).You could almost see Rachel’s mind flip through her songbook to find any Alanis Morissette.

At Mercedes’ kick off show, Artie documents the rising star. She tells the camera that Santana will be joining up with her in Reno (I’d pay to see that sitcom) and Brittany has just joined her tour as lead dancer. She bursts into her hot single, “Sh Sh Sh Shaking My Head” and it’s obvious that Mercedes is going to be a big deal. The song has lyrics like “why does gravy give you heart attacks” but I’m choosing to focus on the glory that is the dynamic duo of Mercedes Jones and Brittany S. Pierce. Seeing Brittany dancing again brought a wee tear to my eye. Please don’t ever leave, ok?

Blaine is in his rehearsal space, making sure he has enough room to “freestyle” when June comes in with cupcakes. She tells him that all he really needs to succeed, is talent and a lot of hard work. He’s down in the dumps because he’s been lying to Kurt about the showcase. Just as he goes to ask June once more if Kurt can perform, she cuts him off. Her reputation is on the line, she reminds him. When he defends Kurt’s incredible talent, she warns him not to cross her. Careful Blaine, or you’ll never eat cupcakes in this town again. A bewildered Blaine sits at the piano and sings John Legend‘s beautiful love ballad “All of Me.” Kurt comes in halfway though, looking a bit like Fred from Scooby-Doo, if Fred lived in Chelsea and rode a City Bike. Kurt brought lunch to share with Blaine, but the lunch goes flying as soon as Blaine tells the truth about the showcase. Kurt is furious that Blaine has lied again to him, but Blaine tries to explain that he thought he could convince June to change her mind. Kurt storms out, telling Blaine that he just doesn’t think he can believe anything he says anymore.

At Sam’s audition, he keeps snapping a rubber band around his wrist. When another model asks about it, Sam explains it’s to help keep the boners away. There are a lot of beautiful models milling about and Sam is trying to keep it all down. Another beautiful woman named Charlie Darling struts in and announces that she’s the photographer. She’s kind of like a female Terry Richardson. She wants heat! She wants someone to turn her on dammit. How very Showgirls. And so begins the shoot. Suddenly Sam and the cast are transported to the Eighties guided by Duran Duran‘s “Girls on Film. There is a lot of writhing, and crawling on ladders. The song ends with Charlie literally on top of Sam, asking his name (Pollyanna?) and telling him he’s got the job.

When Mercedes walks in to the Hummelberry loft, she’s greeted with an intervention from Kurt, Rachel and Brittany. Sam receives the same at his apartment from Blaine and Artie. Everyone tries to convince the couple that they should break up, but Sam and Mercedes are resolute in their commitment. Well, until Rachel tells Mercedes that sometimes the best way to stay together is to be apart. That part gets to Mercedes.

More wacky Mary shenanigans! While spending time with Artie, she stuffs a donut in her bra and awkwardly flirts with him. Blaine finds her insufferable as she types away from underneath a table. Brittany however, may have found a kindred spirit. Mary is the kind of girl who has mice in her pockets and a kitty in her pants, and that is A-ok with Britt.

In Rachel’s dressing room, Kurt tries to convince her that Mary may be a bit shy of a full deck, and brings up her abandoning Funny Girl for a potential career-ruining disaster. She shushes him, telling him it’s all under control. When Rachel gets the actual script, and the gang sits down for a read through, she finds out how very right he is. The script is like an episode of Girls being retold by two thirteen-year-old girls over Twitter. Kurt is dressed as a T-Rex, while Rachel sits in a tub eating cake (an homage to Hanna’s naked cupcakes) bitching about her “stupid gay NASA dads.” Another scene, which was certain to forever bond the Klaine/Brittana fandom in horror, was watching Blaine and Brittany wake up naked together. Despite the fact that Blaine is gay and Brit is “mostly lesbian” (Sigh. Why with the bi-erasure?) they decide to be together and open an art gallery before engaging in more sexytimes. I’d muster up something to say about it, if I weren’t so damn exhausted by the whole thing.

Blaine must be exhausted too because the next time we see him, he’s dejectedly feeding the pigeons. Kurt sits down beside him and Blaine tells him that he doesn’t even want to do the stupid showcase anymore. Kurt is more important to him than a chance at fame. Kurt gets all deep about trust being a choice. Everyday they wake up, having the choice to trust one another, and Kurt choose Blaine. He going to choose to love and trust Blaine through thick and thin. He even gives Blaine his blessing on the show. Blaine is overwhelmed and a little turned on. Before they run off to get it on, Blaine tells Kurt “he’s the luckiest guy in the world.” Kurt agrees.

Rachel brings Mary to the diner to ply her with donuts and try to convince her that the script is all wrong. Rachel kindly tells her that the character she wrote actually sounds a lot like Mary. Mary disagrees, claiming that audiences want anti-heroes, not earnest portrayals. Rachel asks Mary to listen while she expresses herself through song, something that makes Mary cringe. Rachel gets up on stage and sings Pink‘s “Glitter in the Air” which should give a person all the feeling in the word. There was something about it that was so passionless though. A beautiful voice doesn’t automatically touch your heart unless the feeling is there, and for this number, it felt flat. It worked for Mary however who experiences a feeling unlike any she’s had before. Happiness. She decides to give Rachel’s version of the script a shot.

During Sam’s photo shoot, he’s just not on, and Charlie is getting frustrated. Her assistant is obsessed with Sam’s asymmetrical nipples, so she sends everyone away, and whips out her Polaroid camera. She offers Sam a beer and walks toward him. He reminds her that he’s only 19 and has a girlfriend that he loves. She backs him again a wall and Sam admits he’s worried that if he doesn’t give her what she wants then she will boot him from the shoot. “What do you think I want?” she asks, and before you know it, they kiss. He arrives home to Mercedes with celebratory cupcakes, but he’s so full of guilt he can only hang his head in his hands. He confesses to her about the kiss, heartbroken that he’s cheated on her. Mercedes tells him that Sam didn’t cheat on her, and she’s not upset with him. That doesn’t stop her from breaking up with him though. She’s not worried that he will cheat on her, but rather that one day he will resent her for compromising so much to accommodate her needs. She says that letting him go is the only right thing to do. Sam holds her while she cries.

Blaine’s showcase is in full gear, with Blaine at the piano while he and June duet on Pippin‘s “Just No Time at All.” The crowd eats it up, especially when the two go into the audience. They run off to the side to await Blaine’s encore, and Kurt is there to give encouragement to his man. When Blaine heads back onstage, June comments on what a good “friend” Kurt has been to Blaine. Kurt quickly corrects her that he is the future husband, and he’s not going anywhere. Blaine takes his bows and thanks June for all she’s given him, including telling him to be passionate about what he loves. What Blaine loves more than anything is Kurt, so against June’s wishes, he brings Kurt onstage for a version of “American Boy,” with Kurt taking the Estelle part. Kurt is making the most of this opportunity, even climbing and spinning on the piano. June stands there gob-smacked and furious until the sweetness of the whole thing starts to melt her heart. By the end, the whole crew is up on stage, including June, doing the Electric Slide. Blaine apologizes to her for going against her wishes, but she appreciates that he was able to prove her wrong. “Never let anyone make you doubt what you are sure of.” God, I wish someone had given me that advice a decade ago.

Mary’s new script is a revelation and after the read through, Rachel and the rest of the gang all love it. Lea Michele…I mean, Rachel Berry tells them that this is the role she was meant to play. Not Spring AwakFunny Girl. They all toast to the script. Sam, seeing something out the window, takes off running and the rest chase after him. Outside is a bus, with a giant half naked Sam on it. His dream has been made so he’s going to stop right there and go back to Ohio. What? I can’t. Rachel deems it the end of an era, with all of them scattering like plot point in the wind. She asks them to make a pact that wherever they are, that in six months, they will all meet back in the same spot. Kurt wishes out loud that they can burst into song, and the pop gods heard him. They break out into a really fantastic arrangement of Bastille‘s “Pompeii.” It’s chaos in the streets, with Brooklynites dancing and singing with abandon. Interspersed with lots of hugging we see flashes of their future: Sam is back in Ohio on a college campus, Artie is still at film school, Blaine moves into the loft. Rachel gets a phone call from the network. Glee, I mean her show, has been green lit for a pilot. Rachel, Kurt and Blaine jump around, overwhelmed with happiness. The last moment of the episode is Rachel walking, singing through the crowd as if she’s all alone. She stops and looks to the sky before smiling right at us and walking out of frame.

So there we have it. Season Five has been full of some really lovely moments, but overall, Glee just couldn’t seem to pull itself out of the deepening hole it’s been slowly sinking into since Season Four. Part of that isn’t their fault, but there is definitely some major responsibility there. We won’t get to see what happens in the final season until 2015, so let’s just cross our fingers that our beloved characters are treated with more care than they have been this year. Consistency has never been Glee‘s strong suit, but it got away with it because so many other elements were so strong. However, when the ties that bind us to a show begin to fray, it becomes harder to overlook its flaws.

Thank you to all the readers for being so kind to me as I stepped in to recap the latter part of the season. It’s been a real pleasure and I’m honored that Heather entrusted me with these Gleecaps.

A huge thank you to my screencapper Chen Drachman who you should totally follow on Twitter @shokoshik

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