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“Glee” recap (5.16): Clap On, Clap Off

Dear gentle readers, as you may or may not have heard, I am stepping in for the wonderful Heather Hogan for the rest of Glee’s Season Five recaps. I’m so honored that she has entrusted these recaps to me, and I hope I can do her and all of you justice. Now on with the show.

There’s nothing like starting off a Glee episode with a WWII military style STD hygiene film. Frankly, I’m not sure why they haven’t gone this route before. Not unlike “punching Lady Liberty in the face” this opener sets us up for good times ahead. Stand up and clap, everyone. No, not that kind of clap. Well, we’ll get to that soon enough. Sam, Kurt, Blaine and Artie do look awful adorable in their sailor costumes as they run through the possible side effects of venereal diseases like, burning itches and jaunty hats.

The segue from syphilis to street food is a bit jarring, but not altogether surprising. Blaine is taking in the sights, sounds and smells of NYC. (Talk to me in August, Blaine. Let’s see how you feel about the smells then.) Blaine is tickled pink to be living in the Big Apple and he wants to take a bite out of everything. Especially cronuts. Lots and lots of cronuts. Does he have a Disney style Fast Pass that lets him cut in front of the hordes of tourists who have been waiting in line since five a.m.? When he shows up at Kurt’s apartment with pastry in hand, Kurt is shirtless, and doing push ups. Kurt is looking amazing. All fit and musclely. Blaine on the other hand can’t fit into his skinny camel cords anymore. Damn those cronuts.

Artie is feeling pretty at home and happy in New York as well. He’s still rocking the argyle, but in the city, he’s a hipster god. Not only do the guys at school think he’s super cool, but the ladies are totally into him. In fact, he’s sleeping two girls at once. He has his eyes on a third girl though, one he really likes named Julie. Julie is narrating Artie’s homage to American Beauty, “Bags in the Wind.” He launches into a fantasy musical sequence where he’s the Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love”-ing an endless assortment of women. After the song, and with perhaps a burst of confidence, he asks Julie out. Julie, being the smart, savvy gal she is says no. She doesn’t mix business with pleasure.

At NYADA, Kurt is the center of attention during a stage combat class. He’s making the most of his late blooming, and feeling hella good about his body and talent. Blaine, on the other hand, is shoving Cheetos in his face, while his inner monologue spews his jealous insecurities about Kurt’s newfound hottiness and confidence. When he confessed his surprise at Kurt being a sexual object, Glee fans let out a collective sigh. Where have you been, Blaine?!

Sam and Mercedes are making the most of their new relationship by making out. Mercedes puts the break on it when things get a little heavy, and admits to being a virgin. Sam’s cool that she is, and she’s cool that he’s not but she’s not feeling quite ready to go any further. Sam steps back and promises to let her call the sexual shots.

At Serendipity, all the men are hanging out and sipping on frozen hot chocolates, chatting about STDs. Sam wants to get tested to help ease Mercedes mind, you know, just in case she wants to do it soon. The rest of the boys agree to accompany him and get tested too. Kurt is not interested in the Frozen Hot Chocolate that Blaine has ordered him, so Blaine gets all passive aggressive about Kurt’s strict diet regimen. (This feels like every brunch I’ve every been to with other couples.) It appears that Blaine is trying to fatten Kurt up just a wee bit to sooth his own mounting insecurity.

Artie gets a call from the clinic, and is shocked to find out that he has Chlamydia. He’s crushed, but decides to confide in the fellas. It turns out that four years of watching his friends go through pregnancy scares and overly intimate musical numbers with Holly Holiday, have not encouraged Artie to practice safe sex. Sam is horrified, and proceeds to slut-shame Artie by actually using the term “slut shame.” Blaine has a cooler head and convinces Artie to tell the girls he was sleeping with that he may have given them the clap. Vanessa is super pissed and threatens to smear Artie’s reputation at the school. Jess is less so, shrugging and suggesting that she may have given it to him, lolz. After all of this, Julie saunters over and announces that she’s changed her mind and she’s like to take him up on that date. It’s even better that a shot of penicillin to Artie’s ego.

Sam accompanies Mercedes to church so she can pray about possibly banging him. Sam, being Sam, presents her with his clean bill of genital health. She tells him that it was a nice and thoughtful gesture, but she needs to turn to God for answers. Time to make room for the Holy Spirit, kids. The pastor is getting the congregation all fired up, and it’s a shock to absolutely no one that Mercedes gets up to sing. Now, ordinarily, “I Wanna Know What Love Is” by Foreigner is not exactly a go to church number, but Mercedes makes it work. Well more than makes it work. She absolutely slays it. A phenomenal choir joins her, and the song soars. So does Sam’s heart.

Back in stage combat class, Kurt is worried about Blaine. He thinks Blaine is being tested by all of this newness. It’s tough to go from being the big fish in a Lima pond, to one of a thousand handsome faces swimming for a shot in NYC. Kurt doesn’t want to let his own confidence erode Blaine’s. Oh Kurt baby, that’s not how this works. I get why you think that, but you should never have to shield your own light so another person can shine. Afterwards at Blaine’s apartment, Kurt suggests a date night. Blaine is whipping up a meal that can only be described as Olive Gardenesque. Kurt suggests that instead of fettuccini and molten lava cake, they go for a salad and a movie. Blaine acquiesces, and when Kurt opens Blaine’s browser, he finds a frat themed porn site staring right back at him. Kurt is upset and wonders if this is why they haven’t had sex in a week.

Rachel finally shows up (tech week is a bitch) to give Mercedes some lady advice. Remember when Mercedes and Quinn were best friends for like, two seconds? Sometimes I swear this show cannot have two women in the same room together for more than an episode without turning into mortal enemies. You know what is more interesting than the petty machinations of girl on girl hate? Actual female friendships. They can be amazing and complex. Just saying, Glee. You have one more season to give it a shot. OK, diatribe over. Mercedes asks Rachel about her first time, and it’s sweet and sad because it’s about Finn. Rachel advises Mercedes to just go with her gut. Mercedes is worried she won’t be any good when the time comes, and Rachel tells her that it’ll be ok because Sam will make sure she’s safe and comfortable.

Tensions are running high with Klaine. Kurt ditched Blaine for their commute to school, and Blaine wants to talk it out. If Kurt has learned anything from Santana, it’s how to avoid unnecessary lesbian processing. Instead, they angry sing “Love is a Battlefield” at each other. The staging is very cool. It even has bowstick-ography. Kurt, I get that you are upset, but it’s just a teensy bit of porn. Not the entire Falcon Studio collection. What 19-year-old of any gender or orientation, hasn’t taken a peek or two? When they change into their fencing uniforms, things get serious and they really go at each other. The aggressiveness is a little surprising on both ends, and Blaine ends up bowing out, hurt and embarrassed.

Later that night, Sam takes Mercedes out to the diner where Kurt works. I wonder if Kurt had to be the one to let Dani know that Santana broke up with her. Awkward. Sam is trying to treat Mercedes and asks for one of those fancy milkshakes with the gold flecks in it. Mercedes is concerned that this is all a ploy to get in her pants, which, it probably is. Sam does genuinely want to make her happy though. Artie and Julie also show up, and Artie is still freaked out about his diagnosis. All he can think about are STDs, which makes ordering diner food even less appealing. I mean, have you had a California salad? It’s Jell-O and cottage cheese, people. Artie just can’t take it and before they can even order their Egg Creams, he blurts out that he doesn’t think they should have sex yet. Julie is thoroughly weirded out because sex isn’t what she was thinking about, ten minutes into their first date. The four lovebirds take a walk along the East River, and Mercedes busts out Janet Jackson‘s, “Let’s Wait a While” which is one of the finer abstinence anthems. Artie joins in, singing to Julie, who looks like she just wants to go home and take a Silkwood shower.

Back at their apartment, Mercedes drops a bomb on Sam. She’s decided to wait unit marriage to have sex. She just can’t have sex with any old someone. Sam, is hurt, and more so confused. He’s not sure what would make their relationship different than just being good friends. He asks for time to think about it.

Kurt and his red pants track down Blaine, who is stewing on the couch. Blaine breaks down, and tells Kurt that he feels like he’s being left behind. The balance has shifted in their relationship and Blaine is no longer the caretaker, the protector, the star. Add that to the fact that he feels lost and adrift in New York. He was looking at the Frat Boy porn site, Blaine cries, because he feels insecure about his body, his talent, and his relationship with Kurt. Kurt refuses to apologize for thriving, but wants him and Blaine to be equals on this road together. At the heart of the matter, Blaine is worried that Kurt will stop loving him. Kurt tells him not to worry; they are endgame. Just like Brittana.

At film school, Artie runs into Julie and tries to apologize for their awful date. He confesses that he was so worked up because he had sex with Vanessa and Jess, and now has Chlamydia. Julie isn’t really upset about the Chlamydia. She’s horrified that Artie would sleep with two pretentious idiots. She also has a news flash for Artie. He’s officially Captain Creeper.

Sam calls Mercedes, who is bracing herself for a break up. He surprises her by planning a romantic evening surrounded by candles and accepted boundaries. He prayed in the bathroom, and even though sex is awesome, there are more awesome things. Like loving Mercedes. Aww Sam, you are growing up. Just don’t pull any of that Cheerios on the floor shit, ok?

Mercedes and Rachel meet up to chat again, and Mercedes gives her the skinny on Sam. Who knows, maybe Mercedes will wait until marriage, maybe not. At least she feels comfortable not being sure. Rachel decides to mention the energy exchange she shared with Sam a few episodes back. Nothing happened because in addition to Sam only having eyes for Mercedes, Rachel Berry’s heart has left the building. They have a very meta conversation about how things weren’t supposed to end this way, and now everything is up in the air. Mercedes encourages her to let someone else in one day.

At Serendipity once again, the gents gather to talk about their feelings. Blaine is on some terrible cleanse, and Artie is shoving banana splits into his “worry hole” as Kurt calls it. Artie decides to cool it with the ladies for a bit, and Sam suggests an abstinence club. He is quickly vetoed, as is Blaine’s cleanse.

Next week, the moment we’ve all been waiting for…and by we I mean Rachel Berry. It’s opening night for Funny Girl. Will it be a bust or a hit?

A huge thank you to my screencapper Chen Drachman who you should totally follow on Twitter (@shokoshik) and Tumblr.

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