The glee club votes Rachel and Mercedes co-Divas, which pleases them greatly. No reaction from Kurt who also deserves a slice of that pie.
So while all of this is going on, April and Will are meeting with Sue in secret to remind her that April bought the auditorium and therefore gets to decide what goes on in the auditorium and therefore New Directions can sing in there whenever they want and therefore they are not disbanded. Which: Forgive me for not grasping the specifics of each new time this emergency happens, but this time it’s literally because glee club doesn’t have a place to practice? They can’t use, I don’t know, the parking lot? The hallway? The gym? The football field? Sue does some research and finds out April’s assets are frozen and just last week Will used up the two million dollar stockpile of money she originally granted the glee club, due to the elaborate sets and costumes he requires the students to wear when performing for him. He’s so mad at April, like, “I cannot believe you lied to me about how you would give me more millions of dollars to mismanage!”
To make up for not being able to continue to bankroll Will’s bullshit, April invites Holly Holiday to come back to glee club for one last hurrah. Holly Holiday doesn’t give a goop about your backwards-looking asses; she’s going to perform “Happy” because she can. And she does. And so there.
Puck visits Finn’s retired jersey in the locker room, where Quinn finds him and says they can’t beat themselves up about deceiving him about the anatomical specifics of making a baby. Rachel was his soul mate anyway. Puck wants to know if Quinn’s figured out who her soul mate is, and she figures out real quick that it’s not Biff. She tells him her deal, about Beth and the pink hair and the tattoo and all that, and he stomps around about old apple money for ten minutes until Quinn twists off his nose and Puck tosses him in the garbage. Puck thinks he’ll be going back to the Air Force now, unless she can think of a reason for him to stay. She can, and the reason is smooches.
Brittany and Santana are chowing down on some churros in the choir room. Santana’s like, “Look, you remember when Sam put all those Cheerios on the floor and made you eat your way to the auditorium that time? MIT is doing that to you, but with numbers instead of cereal. You should be in the world doing what you love: dancing, going to concerts, and I’m going to say ‘dating’ because that makes it sound like I’m breezy sitting here beside you.” Brittany can’t help herself anymore. Santana’s body wakes up her body, she says so herself; then, she caresses Santana’s cheek and kisses her so good. Santana is halfway to kissing back when she remembers … I don’t know what, honestly. She broke her own goddamn heart talking about energy exchanges with randos in the library. Brittany pulls back, stands up, says, “You break stuff so you don’t get broken. I get it, I really do. Your girlfriend, she’s probably pretty cool. I’ll bet she sways in the background like a champ. But in terms of math, when you want to stop feeling things at a two and start feeling things at an eleven again, you know where to find me.”
And then Glee finally explains what the fuck has been going on all these years. Will takes New Directions to the auditorium to show them the plaques of Finn and Lillian Adler that he hanged in there. He says they’ll live on here forever. And up in the rafters, Holly Holiday and April Rhodes drink wine out of water bottles and talk about what they can do to save the glee club this time. And that’s when you realize that New Directions’ real problem all these years is that April and Holly are their guardian angels. Their drunk-ass, cahootin’ tootin’ guardian angels. They are the ones who have been petitioning the gods of luck and logic and time on behalf of these kids. They miss half their meetings with the deities and show up trousered to the rest of them. It makes sense now. Finally. New Directions are guided by the drunken whims of April Rhodes and Holly Holiday.
Next week: Brittany buys Santana one hundred thousand lesbian flowers and Blaine is appointed President of the United States of America upon graduating from high school.