“Glee” recap (5.12): It’s Brittana, Bitch


Out in the quad, Brittany is masterminding a game of human chess when Santana cozies up to her and asks if she wants to do some more singin’ and dancin’. But Brittany cannot. She is a trigonometric robot now. Arithmetic is her life force.


One thing April Rhodes has always said is the only thing this country needs more of is teen marriage, so she presents Kurt and Blaine with some booze as a gift for their adolescent nuptials. Because the forces of physics that dictate the crawl of time in Lima, OH also have created an impenetrable force-field around Kurt and Blaine, individually, they do not speak to or touch each other; rather, they communicate through the conduit of April Rhodes, noting that they will begin planning their wedding later this year once the White Witch is defeated and eternal winter ends and Blaine moves to New York, where he can begin the aging process like a normal human.


Before the Diva-Off vote, Santana decides to make like old times and hijack glee club for an intervention. She recruits Mike Chang to perform “Valerie” with her. I do not sing or dance, but I very nearly jumped through the TV to join in on Santana’s shenanigans, so you know Brittany wasn’t going to be able to keep her seat very long. They sing, they swerve, they canoodle, they rain heaven down on this parched earth. Puck also wants to do an intervention, for Quinn. He takes it to the auditorium and performs “Keep Holding On.” The whole group joins in on the nostalgia, even breaking out choreography from seasons past. Quin cries and cries. Puck’s like, “It’s OK, girl. I just wanted you to remember I know who you are.” And she’s like, “No, it’s not that. I just can’t believe I came all the way back here to sit still and do nothing while the rest of y’all get to perform. Nothing ever changes. I guess I’ll go get hit by another car!”


My beagle loves to bay. Like, she loves the way it feels in her throat. She doesn’t do it all the time, but when she does it just one time, she can’t stop. It’s like a chain reaction of horrible (but also weirdly lovable?) noise that goes on for hours. That’s how it is when Santana starts dropping truth bombs. Will’s rapping makes ears bleed. Boom! Brittany’s losing her soul to equations. Boom! So of course she’s gotta get in on this Rachel/Mercedes thing by interrupting yet another almost-vote to rehash her grievances with Rachel re: Funny Girl. She fails to mention that their last two altercations involved them: 1) singing the stalker anthem to each other, and 2) discussing Santana’s panty drawer at length. For Brittany’s sake, I guess, she omits those things. Also, you know, that wedding thing with Quinn.


Well, you know how this ends: Rachel and Mercedes crying and hugging it out in the bathroom. (A candle for Faberry-ites who thought for sure when that bathroom door opened that it was going to be Quinn.)

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