“Glee” recap (5.12): It’s Brittana, Bitch

 
 

Brittany misses: scissoring with Santana, and hanging with Lord Tubbington, so Santana suggests a little Unholy Trinity action to realign her brain priorities. They redo “Toxic” half in the choir room and half in a “Cell Block Tango” fever dream. Biff spends the whole time texting, which causes Puck and me and you to give him such a side-eye. Not because he’s being a bad boyfriend, necessarily, but because his hormones are obviously busted.

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After the dance, Brittany says she was 3/16th of a beat off of the choreography and so probably she should just go back to whatever Pythagorean Theorem thing.

But first! Fondue For Two! Britt hosts Mercedes and Rachel on her world famous talk show, asking such no-bullshit questions as: “Rachel, would you agree it’s irresponsible to leave New York for an entire week for no other reason than the glee club has been cancelled?” And: “Mercedes, how would you respond to the rumors that you’re a really good dancer but you hid that fact the entire time you were in glee club so Mr. Schue would allow you to quote park and bark?” Plus a smash cut of her cats making out. I whimpered out loud with how much I missed Brittany S. Pierce on my television. She feels like when Daylight Savings Time comes and you’d forgotten the sun didn’t always set at noon.

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Instead of enjoying a quiet date at Breadstix, Biff has invited all of Quinn’s friends to tell the many tales of her erratic existence. He’s like, “Would you say the writers of this show had literally zero ideas about what to do with her character?” But before anyone can answer that, Quinn sends him to the car for her purse and tells everyone to lock it down because this week she’s twisting herself into the shape of Snow White in the hopes that Biff will fill the hole in her heart that she also tried to plug up with Finn, Puck, Sam, and Boner Jesus.

Rachel and Mercedes’ last, tenth, Diva-off will feature Kurt and also another round of “Defying Gravity.” Kurt and Rachel and Mercedes sound great, but there’s a weird editing thing where their lips don’t synch with the music and sometimes it seems like Chris Colfer’s voice is coming out of Lea Michele’s mouth. After it’s over, April is like, “I mean, awesome, but I’d like to do that song some time as a duet with Rachel’s mom. Something tells me we’d fucking crush that shit.”

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Also, P.S., Kurt is dressed like Charlie Brown.

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