“Glee” recap (5.10): The Return of Aunty Snix

 
 

Becky knew these goons were going to stage a lock-in even without Sue’s permission, just like she knew they were going to end up in the theater eventually, so she has created an elaborate game of Twister for them on stage. Tina and Sam skedaddle to a dark classroom to talk some more about her boobies, but Blaine agrees to hang out with Becky for a while, a decision he immediately regrets because she of course turns Twister into a game of psychological torture. Every time you fall over, you have to chug an 11-hour energy drink. It’s like a high-stakes game of The Floor Is Lava because drinking more than one of something called “11-hour” energy will 100 percent make your heart explode.

When Blaine finally escapes, he finds Tina and Sam making out in the sloppiest way you can imagine, and he feels so grossed out and so left out that he storms right out.

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Will decides the best way to take the pressure off of Emma, baby-wise, is to go ahead and build a nursery. She’s into it, even though it involves a lot of paint splattering all over the place. They sing “Danny’s Song” and eat popcorn and watch movies and cuddle and — I actually don’t understand why they’re doing this. Jayma Mays is definitely leaving the show and Will is definitely going to New York, so I mean, I guess they’re just going to get her pregnant and then do the most emotionally exploitative thing ever to get him out of Lima? You can’t even believe this show for five seconds of sweetness!

At school the next day (the lock-in was on a week night?!) Blaine is still mad about Sam and Tina because not only did Becky almost kill him, but also he missed out on bumper bowling with Artie and Kitty (which he loves because of course he does). They apologize and explain that everyone has to make out with everyone else in glee club, as a right of passage, which is true, actually, and I’ll bet you fifty dollars that if you charted New Directions’ web of incest it would be more tangled than even The L Word‘s.

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He doesn’t get it, because he, of course, is sexually fulfilled just shaking Kurt’s hand every once in a while, but he forgives them. And Artie forgives them. And they sing Wilson Phillips‘ “Hold On,” which is one of the top five songs in the history of recorded music and they sound pretty great. It almost makes you sad that the fiftieth anniversary of the beginning of their senior year is coming to a close.

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At Schuester’s Shack of Constant Condescension, Emma reveals that she is great with child. They hug and cry and I’ll bet you another fifty dollars this ends in the most gory way possible. “Will, it’s twins!” A meteor falls out of the sky and clunks Emma on the head, crushing her skull. “Will, it’s a boy!” A train crashes into the school building and flattens Emma like a tortilla right in her office. “Will, it’s a girl!” Flesh-eating bacteria sneak their way into Emma’s thrice-sterilized lunchbox, gnawing off all her skin by supper time. At her funeral, Will sings  Alanis Morissette‘s “Ironic.” Don’t ya think?

Bonus secreencap:

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Next week: Hollywood! Nationals! Trolleys! Mercedes Motherfucking Jones and a faux chihuahua!

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