“Glee” recap (5.10): The Return of Aunty Snix

 
 

LIMA, OHIO

At McKinley High School, Tina and Artie and Sam and Blaine continue their slow-mo crab walk into the third year of the final months of their senior year, and with two weeks to go until Nationals, they decide it is time to start practicing for Nationals. I’m just joshin’ ya. Of course they’re not prepping for the biggest show choir competition in America; their teacher is busy having sex with his wife in the faculty bathroom. Becky hears a lot of thrashing and smashing in there, so she opens up the door and lets out such a yelp.

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Sue summons Emma and Mr. Schue to her office where they confess that they’re doing it all over the school because they’re trying to get pregnant. Nobody on earth Jane Lynches like Jane Lynch. Her face. She whispers, “Oh. God. Why?”  Also she says she understands that pheromones cause some women to want to “copulate with emotionally stunted man-children, with butt-chins, who befriend teenagers, and can’t rap” but why couldn’t they just wait until they got home? I don’t remember exactly when Sue became the voice of Tumblr, but it really is a small glory. Becky is scarred for life and so am I when Emma apologizes again but says she has to go lie down in her office with her feet in the air because they were “able to achieve emission.”

In the hallway, Tina and Blaine and Sam break it down with some Destiny’s Child for the reason that it’s always the right time to break it down with some Destiny’s Child.  Mr. Schue interrupts their fun, all, “I, too, enjoy jumpin’ jumpin’ with ballers whose pockets are full-grown, but I don’t want you to lose sight of the fact that the fifth year of your senior year is drawing to a close, so cherish these moments.” Tina is overcome with nostalgic vapors, so Blaine and Sam rush to her aid while side-eyeballing Mr. Schue. They also push Artie out of the senior hug circle because he got a storyline last week.

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When Sam and Blaine’s caps and gowns arrive, Blaine insists that they try them on, because what if his isn’t so tight that his junk is strangled, the way he likes his pants? He’ll have to have that thing tailored immediately! Tina sees them in their graduation gear and melts down again. Sam’s idea of comfort is to promise her one Vine of his impressions every week for the rest of his life in exchange for the same number of boob Vines from her. Tina is kind of shocked to hear that a teenage boy is interested in her rack because she spent seven of the last ten years of her senior year being in love with a gay guy. Blaine’s idea of comfort is to organize a school-wide senior lock-in so they can make some last-second memories before they all move into the same apartment in Brooklyn.

Emma chases down Will in the teacher’s lounge and tells him she can’t feel any babies in her belly dancing the Samba and singing “La Cucaracha” while wearing a tiny sombrero, so she guesses she’s not pregnant. He’s like, “For real? And you don’t feel like anyone is in there patronizing your uterus or anything? Like even just tiny, fetus-sized condescension radiating near your Fallopian tubes?” She does not, and so his bun is not in her oven. He knew she’d fail him this way, so he’s already made an appointment with a fertility doctor. Emma is not impressed. She walks away in a sad cloud of sadness. Coach Beiste has some sex advice involving a farm animal analogy and Sue has some sex advice involving a story about Kenny G and Michael Bolton. Sue’s is grosser, believe it or not. Basically, they advise Will not to do what he always does and seize control of this situation and squeeze all the life out of it like a fun-sponge.

He doesn’t know another way to be, but he says he’ll try.

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Blaine’s lock-in gets the kibosh from Sue because of “let’s say Obamacare,” a thing that sends Tina careening to the floor in a heaving, sobbing mess for the third time today. She only finds the strength to stand up and keep going because Blaine promises they’ll just break into the school anyway and Sam says more nice things about her tits.

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If you don’t think Blaine Warbler wears his Nightbird outfit to climb into an open window at McKinley High in the middle of the night, you don’t know shit about Blaine Warbler. He says it’s the last time he’ll get the chance to dress up like a superhero, like he’s not going to be cosplaying at Comic-Con for the rest of his life, like all the best people do. After Tina and Sam also crash through the window, they make memories that will last for eternity while singing Simple Minds‘ “Don’t You (Forget About Me).” Because zooming around the hall in a rolly chair is definitely more unforgettable than the national accolades they’ve garnered during their 13-year senior year tenure.

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