The whole thing devolves into a diva-off set to the tune of “Gloria.” Elliott performs with them as the “judge,” but again, he just wants to get his sang on! He doesn’t need this! He tells them he’s not choosing between them! What he should tell them is that their main problem is they want to rip off each other’s clothes, so maybe making out is a good step in the direction of making up. But he doesn’t do that. He yells at them both and also at Kurt a little bit and skulks off, and while I appreciate very much his no-drama approach to life, you are not even trying to tell me that a dude named “Starchild” who owns multiple suits and top hats made of sequins is this adverse to shenanigans.
Kurt gives Rachel and Santana one last chance to call a truce, but when his mediation devolves into another zing-fest, he kicks them out of his band. Pamela Lansbury is over! There’s a new band in town and it’s him and Dani and Elliott and deal with it! He invites them to the first show but they don’t hear him over the sound of their clashing wit and sexiness, and the squirrels in Santana’s hair.
At the show, Kurt disappoints the crowd by telling them Pamela Lansbury has disbanded. (Hilariously, someone actually yells, “WHAT?!?”) He rambles for a few minutes about how this trio isn’t the trio he envisioned himself in just a year ago, but when life gives you lemons, you make a new band with Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato. They look fly as hell in their tuxes and they sound so good. When the audience goes bonkers after their first song, Rachel and Santana look at each other like, “Wait, so people clap for performances that don’t include either of us?” It’s a startling realization.
The next day:
Santana: Are you rifling through my panty drawer, lezzer?
Rachel: Yes, but only because it used to be my scented candle drawer, which reminds me: I don’t have any friends.
Santana: Yeah, me either. I mean, even in high school we didn’t even have any friends who were girls. I was in love with Brittany, so that doesn’t count. I think there was another girl in New Directions — Xena? Gina? — but mostly we all fought over boys and solos.
Rachel: Truly it is one of this show’s continued failings that it won’t let two women form a healthy relationship with one another.
Santana: That and the fact that Quinn lives an hour away, but where is she?
Rachel: But like why did you go after my thing?
Santana: Because I was drunk and we were at a wedding and I was so lovesick over Britt—oh, you mean your Broadway thing? You would have done the same to me, dude.
Rachel: Fair enough, I guess.
One Three Hill: Honeys! We’re home!
Pamela Lansbury reunites in the Hummelpezberry loft, on accident. Everybody feels weird, including Dani who feels bad for not feeling bad that Kurt kicked Santana out of the band. Elliott just wants everyone to get along, so they can bake cupcakes win rainbows and curry. Rachel rolls her eyes at him and Santana calls him a traitor, before kissing Dani and bouncing right behind Rachel.