At Funny Girl understudy auditions, Rachel explains to her director that she doesn’t even need an understudy because she’s never been sick for a single day in her life and when the show opens, she’s going to wear one of those air pollution masks around at all times always, so don’t even worry about it. But the union and the producer and common sense say she has to have one. Too bad all the people auditioning can’t carry a tune in a backpack. But then! Surprise! Santana shows up singing “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” No. Santana shows up crushing “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” It’s a dirty dig, but I won’t pretend it didn’t give me double goosebumps.
When the director finds out Santana and Rachel are from the same high school, he practically faints dead away.
At the guitar store, Kurt and Elliot duet on “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” and there’s shimmying and caressing and gyrating and flawless harmony, and it is awesome. I sometimes wish I could rock up to McKinley High in a time machine that first day we met Kurt with the dumpster and everything, and I wish I could be like, “Spoiler alert, man: I just came from your very near future where you were legit spinning around on a stripper pole in a music shop in Manhattan, dueting with Adam Lambert.”
Hummelpezberry loft. Rachel goes absolutely ham on Kurt about how dare Santana show up at her show, singing her song, wooing her director, looking like the personification of one hundred billion dollars and sounding like that too. Kurt tries to talk her off the ledge, but she will not be consoled! Especially after Santana busts in there talking smack about how this is just Old Rachel flipping out that Old Santana has proven herself an equal, despite not having any classical training or gay parents. Santana is powered by talking shit the way Superman is powered by the sun, so it definitely escalates to the point where Rachel slaps Santana right in the face — and then Santana gets the call that she got the part.
They take their ruckus to their first rehearsal, where Santana is using Rachel’s solo mirror to put on her makeup, which is apparently some kind of monstrous Broadway faux pas. Understudies put on their makeup in the communal bathroom! Which Santana would know if she wasn’t a neanderthal! Some words that come out of Santana’s mouth are: “I would love for this to get physical,” which: Do with that what you will. No, seriously. Do some fan fiction with that. Send it to me. And then they sing The Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” which is such a neat-sounding song if it wasn’t so fucking creepy.
Over at the loft, Elliot tells Kurt he knows he’s been trying to Mean Girls him all day, but that he can dial it back because they’re actually friends and he actually likes hanging out with him and his Lima crew — and anyway, Rachel Berry is the Beyonce of Pamela Lansbury, so how about let’s hug it out? They take a platonic smoochie selfie.
Rachel and Santana come home and caterwaul some more. It ends with Rachel moving out into the street singing “Breakaway” while Santana scowls and Kurt makes his saddest sadface. Before she bounces for good, Rachel rips up a photo of her and Santana into a zillion tiny pieces. Unnecessary! I would have taken that off your hands and put it on my refrigerator!