New York, New York
Santana is up in NYC for a visit because she and Brittany broke up and she can’t go back to Lima because of how her heart is broken and she can’t stay in Louisville because of how she doesn’t even go there, so she rides into town with a bunch of prezzies in tow. Most of them are for her, of course, but she brought some really thoughtful things for Kurt and Rachel, too. For example: the deluxe bachelor’s package at Dildo Island and a “styling head” so Kurt can relive all of his Jeffery Dahmer fantasies in the privacy of his own home. When Rachel finds Santana in her loft when she gets home, she invites Santana and Kurt to join her in spreading holiday cheer and advancing their careers by becoming elves at the Midtown Mall. It’s where all the Broadway stars bring their kids, apparently.
Unfortunately, Midtown Mall Santa is a real dick. He shows up drunk and leaves Kurt and Santana and Rachel alone to deal with the mob of angry kids. They decide to wow those little assholes with a sugar-coated performance of “Here Comes Santa Claus” but it only pisses them off even more. Santana bails and heads home for a nice, hot bubble bath, but Rachel calls her in tears and begs her to come back and play Mrs. Claus.
When Rachel announces to the rioters that Mrs. Clause has arrived, they boo and hiss — and then they realize Mrs. Claus looks like Naya Rivera and they erupt into cheers and applause and whooping and lady-boners. And of course, Santana taking Christmas present requests is the greatest holiday thing Glee has ever done: “That sounds a little molest-y; I didn’t start playing doctor until I was nine.” “Whoa, stop right there. You look a little Jewish. Right? Rachel?” “Why don’t we just get you an iPad; you can’t even get porn on whatever you just asked me for.” The best part is when a little blonde-haired girl hops into her lap and Santana goes, “You looks just like a young Brittany S. Pierce. Doesn’t she?” And then she starts explaining true love and lesbianism and also proves once again that she’s kind of delusional about who broke up with whom in their whole horrible split.
The three of them have just about had it when a half-naked Santa Claus comes riding down the escalator to their rescue. He is Detective Darren Wilden from Pretty Little Liars, and if you don’t watch PLL, all you need to know is he made hookers out of moms on that show, wore a Queen of Hearts mask over a mask of a dead girl’s face over his own face while trying to throw a teenage girl from a train, burned down a lodge with five teenage girls inside, and was then run over by a car and stabbed in the chest and shot in the face and now here he is. Kurt Hummel, for one, does not care about Detective Wilden’s past. He invites Santa over to the Hummelpezberry loft for some tree trimming and some egg nog and possibly some lap dancing. Santa is bisexual. Santa accepts the invitation.
I won’t drag this out as long as the show did. Clearly, Santa comes to the Hummelpezberry loft with the sole intention of robbing them, but he gets them blasted on helium — they even sing “The Chipmunk Song,” which I can’t even talk about — and he roofies their eggnog and he makes out with Kurt and then he steals their shit. I know a lot of people were happy to see Kurt displaying a sex drive for a minute, but don’t you think it’s dumb as mayonnaise for the writers to let him rub his ass all over Santa’s dick when most days he only barely gets to hug his fiance like a brother? Also, he was roofied and tied-up on the bed, and even though the ropes were tinsel, that doesn’t make it any less awful. Glee thinks sexual assault imagery is the funniest damn thing. Also, Glee made me type the words “rub his ass on Santa’s dick,” so.
ANYWAY. Rachel and Santana hold hands for a minute, which is real fine with me, and then they all get fancy and perform “Away in a Manger” in the Bergdorf-Goodman window display. God, they’re so pretty. All I want for Christmas is for the ground to open up and swallow Lima whole.
Happy holidays, Gleeks! I’ll see you in February!