“Glee” recap 5.02: Here Comes the Biphobia

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Rachel is having a rough day. She hasn’t heard anything about Funny Girl. Quinn still hasn’t used that train ticket to come visit her in New York. And now Santana has gone and booked herself a nationally televised commercial — for Yest-I-Stat. It’s amazing, this commercial. It’s maybe the most amazing smash-cut thing Glee has ever done in its life. Santana frolics through a field of dandelions and hovers on a giant swing and stands around in a kitchen with a bunch of other ladies and talks about, “I like yeast in my bagel, but not my muffin.” In a lovely display of true friendship, Rachel says she’d be jealous of anyone else, but she’s really proud of Santana. They’re in the trenches together, these two, trying to make a life in the big city. It’s solid. It’s real. I like it so much.

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Kurt isn’t quite as thrilled about Santana’s new gig. Not that he’s envious of it or anything; he just knows Old Rachel would have set something on fire in a situation like this, so he’s worried she’s lost her mojo. Luckily they are at a NYADA piano-tuning party, the perfect place to get back one’s mojo by clomping around on top of pianos and singing some Beatles tunes. Yes, you heard me right: Kurt Hummel is getting to sing for two whole episodes in a row. Blaine did say last week that Kurt is living out multiple lives on various timelines across the space-time continuum. I hope this version of Kurt gets to stick around for a while. He seems lucky!

Over at the Starlight Diner, Santana is making googly eyes at a new waitress named Dani. She decides to get her swag on, asking Dani if her parents always knew she was a lesbian and that’s why they gave her a boy’s name. Dani goes, “I’m not a lesbian!” causing Santana to shriek and sherk and snatch at her hair, mumbling hilariously about, “I just … so much … your eyeliner.” But LOL, JK. Dani is totally into ladybits. It’s so cute. Demi Lovato is so cute. Santana’s awkward, self-conscious flirting is so cute. How long will it take Glee to ruin it? Seven-tenths of a nanosecond, that’s how long. A new world record! They chat about coming out, about how their families took it, about their exes. You know, the standard lesbian getting-to-know-you exchange. And then Santana goes, “Yeah, I still love my ex-girlfriend, but she was bi, so.” And Dani goes, “Ah, yeah. Bi girls. Ding-a-ling ding-dong long-dong-wang, right? I think what you need is a 100 percent Sapphic goddess.”

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Santana speedy-zooms across the restaurant in a kind of no-game panic we’ve never seen from her before. It’s wonderful. She tells Rachel she’s sweating and freaking out and nearing the edge of an anxiety attack because Dani is so pretty. Oh, and also maybe she’s a little nervous because she’s never dated “a real lesbian” before.

This is so stupid I almost don’t even know where to start. For one thing, Brittany’s bisexuality was one of the only things Glee always got right. It wasn’t about gender or genitals with her. It was about the person. It was about loving who she loved. The only time she ever even hinted that she was sexually unsatisfied with Santana was when they couldn’t figure out how to scissor over Skype, and that had nothing to do with her wanting some wang. She didn’t cheat on Santana with a dude. She didn’t cheat on Santana, full-stop. She didn’t even break up with Santana! Santana broke up with her because some random lesbian in a floppy hat made her heart do one extra skip one time!

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