“Glee” recap 5.02: Here Comes the Biphobia

 
 

Dottie is doing her daily prom queen canvassing — “Don’t be racist, vote for Tina!” — when Bree corners her and offers her a spot on the Cheerios if she’ll help with their masterplan of destroying Tina’s life. Dottie’s in, because sure why not.

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Prom time! Man, remember Prom-asaurus? Remember the set design and the costumes and the music and how the biggest school dance of the year wasn’t shoe-horned into a three-minute montage because we actually cared what was happening in Lima? Remember how Brittany sneaked out during the middle of her awesome achievement and did penis-vagina sex in the parking lot, committing lesbian adultery on Santana because she couldn’t help herself because mmm boy, tally whackers!

I’m sorry, what’s that? You don’t remember any of this this shit I’m saying about how Brittany was constantly fucking over Santana because she was addicted to dick? Maybe that’s because IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Ryder and Jake and Unique and Marley give us a little “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” while all the couples and besties get their prom photos taken and Sam busts a move with Nurse Penny. Literally. And then it is time for the Prom King and Queen announcement. Stoner Brett is your new king and Tina Cohen-Chang is your new queen. She cries, New Directions cheer, and in the slowest slow-mo sequence in the history of moving things, Dottie Carries Tina with a bucket of red slushie.

In years to come, when Tina sits in her leather chair in her command room on her private island in the South Pacific and launches Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles in every-which direction, sipping on a mai tai and listening to Rachel Berry’s latest rave-reviewed Broadway performance on the YouTubes, this will be the moment she’ll remember. Standing on that stage in her prom dress. Her crown. Her flowers. Covered in icy red gunk. Tina Cohen-Chang will laugh. She’ll toast the Blaine Hummel-Warbler doll sitting in the co-pilot seat. And she’ll blow up the whole world.

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For now, she flees to the choir room, New Directions hot on her tail. Blaine says she can go home if she wants and start plotting her global revenge, or she can participate in a feel-good montage about the power of friendship. She chooses that second thing … for now. Kitty gives Tina her dress, Marley fixes her hair, Unique accessorizes her, Sam re-crowns her, Ryder hands her a new bouquet of flowers, and they “Hey, Jude” it right back to the gymnasium and own that prom.

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