“Glee” recap 5.01: All You Need Is Love

 
 

Sue summons Will and Coach Roz to her office to tell them they have to win Nationals this year to make her look good so she can keep her job as principal, or she will, of course, destroy their lives, possibly with murder. The best part, always, is Nene Leakes‘ punctuation-free monologue. This time it’s about the dirt Sue probably dug up on her: “Number one, this bronze damn medal in individual synchronized swimming I won at them Chinese Olympics may have been the result of some performance enhancing drugs and weed. I may have perpetrated a buttload of credit card fraud. An old lady in Florida may have paid for my condo. And I may have just flat-out stole my Lexus off a used car lot.” After Sue gives Will and Roz their ultimatums, she skips down the hallway to torture Janitor Figgins, a title that has a real quiet dignity to it. She spills lunch slop on the floor and explains that when Becky returns from suspension, she will be Sue’s new secretary (“Beckretary”) and together they will take over the world. (I can hardly wait.)

At choir practice, Tina decides to go ahead and out Artie and Kitty, but Kitty flips that bitch right around and says that yes, she did want to keep their relationship a secret, but only because she was trying to figure out of it’s real and worth getting hurt over. She says they’re probably doomed because he’s graduating — Blaine interrupts to shout, “KURT AND I WILL HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING!” — but that she’s so for real about him they can go ahead and update their Facebook statuses. Somehow it is Tina who comes off looking awful-est in this situation, so Blaine calls for an intervention with Sam and Ryder and Jake. Blaine lists off the ways Tina has been heartbroken: Artie broke up with her when she revealed she didn’t have a stutter, Mike broke up with her because she wasn’t Asian enough, etc. I actually laughed out loud at the smash cut where Tina was stuffing cake into her mouth as she sat alone in the Too Young Too Be Bitter Club. They decide the best way to cheer her up is to recreate The Beatles’ iconic Ed Sullivan Show performance of “Saw Her Standing There” and offer to take her to prom. Any of them or all of them or none of them. As friends. Because they’re all in love with other people. Do you think Tina will have her psychotic break before or after the mid-season mark? How soon will I have my own psychotic break if Glee doesn’t stop this goddamn men-rescuing-women thing?

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OK, so. The Main Event. Burt is driving Kurt to the airport, this back-roads way he found, but Kurt knows he’s on his way to his secret proposal. He kind of looks like he’s going to vomit. Blaine, he says, makes him feel so loved and so connected and that they’re more right for each other than any other people ever could be for them, but that also they’re so young. Burt says Blaine already asked for his blessing and that he gave him a healthy dose of reality, so here’s the flip-side of that coin: No one gets a guaranteed tomorrow. Life is so fucking fragile. You think you have a million years to live and love, but the only thing you can control is who and how you love right now, right this second, and he’d take ten more years of petty late night fights for ten more minutes to love Kurt’s mom. But also the decision is Kurt’s. It can be yes. It can be no. It can even be maybe.

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Blaine meets him at the entrance to Dalton Academy. Santana and Rachel and Mercedes(!) are there. The Warblers are there. Haverford is there. Rachel leads Kurt up and down the halls and up and down the stairs and everyone sings and sings about how the main thing you need in life is love. And finally, at the bottom of the staircase where Kurt and Blaine very first introduced themselves, Blaine steps forward and says:

We met right here. I took this man’s hand and we ran down that hallway. And for those that know me, I’m not in the habit of taking people’s hands I’ve never met before — but I think that my soul knew something that my mind and body didn’t know yet. It knew that our hands were meant to hold each others, fearlessly and forever, which is why it’s never really felt like I’ve been getting to know you. It’s always felt like I was remembering you from something. As if every lifetime you and I have lived, we’ve chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I want to do, all I’ve ever wanted to do, is spend my life loving you. So Kurt Hummel, my amazing friend, my one true love, will you marry me?

I’m gonna be real honest with you: That’s the most romantic thing I have ever heard in my life. I know, I know. It’s rushed. They’re 18. It’s ridiculous. But love is ridiculous. And wonderful. And powerful. It’s the deepest thing in life. Love is deeper than reality. This is a show that opened with Kurt Hummel getting tossed into a trash dumpster. He crawled out, he came out, he found love, he moved to the city to follow his dreams, and now his boyfriend is standing in front of him holding an engagement ring and asking for forever.

And Kurt Hummel says yes.

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They wrap each other up and kiss and kiss and kiss in front of their friends and family and God and the Parents Television Council and nine million Americans. It really does get better.

Next week: Kurt and Rachel spar when she reveals she wants to wear a white gown to his wedding. Tina holds Sam down and shears his hair off his head. Mercedes takes sign language lessons from the kids at Haverbrook since her voice doesn’t work within Lima’s city limits. And Santana makes a play for Demi Lovato.

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