Nobody’s got time for that shit, though. Two unlikely teams tag-up to stage an intervention for Brittany. First is Will and Sue, who go on Fondue for Two, to talk to her about why she’s acting like a lunatic. Sue is unimpressed with the actual fondue — “It smells like someone poured chardonnay on a homeless woman who’d been dead several days” — but super impressed by the fact that Brit has unlocked the mystery of her baby’s father. It’s Michael Bolton, obviously. Brittany’s also got other questions for her most favored teachers; for example, did they know people stopped caring about their on-again/off-again frenemy feud way back in season one? And does Will plan to continue his weirdly intimate relationship with Finn once he and Emma are married?
In terms of interventions, Will and Sue’s is a flop. So Sam calls up the only person who can see Brittany and touch Brittany when the glow of her unicorn-ness is blinding, and that person is, of course, Santana Lopez. She gets naked while answering the phone for reasons I do not understand and will not question. She also agrees to teleport to Lima quick as a flash to look in on Brittany 3.0.
Also happening in Lima is Ryder’s continued descent into absolute madness. You know in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? when Judge Doom flips open cans of that eraser dip stuff and adorable cartoon characters with floppy hair start squealing and hyperventilating and running around in circles and smashing up against things and falling over and fainting and regaining consciousness and fainting again and waking up and stumbling around and breaking more things and vomiting blood? That’s pretty much what’s happening with Ryder out in the hallway of McKinley High while Marley tries to calm him down with her sweet face and soothing words. But Unique finally confesses that it was her who was catfishing him. Ryder can’t believe it, even though every single one of us have been shouting it at him through the TV for the last three months. He says he’s not ever going to speak to Unique again for as long as he lives!
How about we all agree never to speak of this entire storyline again for as long as we live, hmm? I mean, do you know how many times Santana could have taken off her shirt while we were watching Ryder type? Do you know how many jazzercize classes Blaine could have attended? One hundred and ninety-six billion, that’s how many. Ryder robbed us of Naya’s abs and Darren’s thrusting. UNACCEPTABLE. DIE, CATFISH STORY. DIE FOREVER.