BUSHWICK, NEW YORK
Those flibbertigibbet gays that used to talk shit about Adam’s Apples have found out about Rachel’s second callback for Funny Girl. They accost her in the hallway at NYADA and frenemy her about how she’s up against Meryl Streep’s daughter and also Cassandra July is going to literally murder her when she hears the news that Rachel is planning to skive off her dance final for her audition. After talking at Rachel for 10 minutes, they zoom into Cass’ office where she is trying on one of the ten million bra/blazer combos that she wears everywhere all the time. The flibbertigibbet gays are like, “Gossip gossip gossip!” And Cassandra is like, “ABS IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES.” It’s a rather convincing argument.
Cassandra tracks down Rachel and insults her in all the ways before telling her she’s moving her dance audition to tomorrow. Rachel goes, “But no fair!” And Cassandra goes, “ABS SOME MORE, YOU FEEL ME?!”
But you guys, Cassandra wasn’t really planning a dance final for Rachel; instead, she was planning a break-a-leg dance party for Rachel. Cass sings a little “Uptight (Everything’s Alright).” She also twirls and whirls around with Rachel and smiles and grins and generally acts like a regular human being for three straight minutes.
To thank Cassandra for not murdering her, Rachel buys her a new dance teacher stick from a “Broadway flea market.” They stare at each other for a long time and move closer and closer and closer. Cassandra says she was only a dick to Rachel because she believed in her so much and Rachel says, “Quinn Fabray used to do the same thing to me and we almost made out like this all the time too. Bipolar blondes are kind of my thing.”
Next week: There’s a wedding afoot! Whose? Who knows! In a world where MIT declares Brittany the smartest person since Einstein, literally anything is possible!
Thank you forever to Lindsay (@scenicpenguin) for staying up all night to screencap for us.