The next day, Kurt surprises Rachel and Santana with their own boyfriend pillows. Or, well, with a boyfriend pillow and a girlfriend pillow. He sewed a boob onto Santana’s and dressed it in flannel and spritzed it with perfume. Because he is the greatest. Rachel’s not really feeling the boyfriend pillow because she knows it’s just a matter of time before she and Brody get back together. Santana can’t take it anymore, so she blurts out the truth about Brody being an escort, and just in case the word “gigolo” wasn’t clear enough, she clarifies it with: “Like Magic Mike. With happy endings. For money.” Rachel storms off when she realizes Kurt also knew the truth about Brody’s secret identity and Santana hilariously calls out after her, “YOU’RE WELCOME!” And then shrugs at Kurt, like, “Can you believe this ungrateful bitch?”
Rachel marches to NYADA with a wad of cash and stuffs it in Brody’s hand and they get into a slap fight about which thing is worse: Not telling your girlfriend you’re a sex worker, or being in love with Finn Hudson? They come to understand that both things are real yucky, so they duet on Radiohead‘s “Creep,” which is true for both of them in this moment, and Lea Michele goes balls-to-the-wall with it. She sounds fantastic. So, anyway, the break up is still on and now Rachel also knows that Finn came to New York to rail on Brody’s face, and rather than being mad as hell that he is encroaching on her autonomy some more, she gets hearts in her eyes about what a romantic thing it was that he did.
Back at the loft, Santana and Kurt are enjoying a Facts of Life marathon with their significant other pillows. Noteworthy are Kurt’s leather pants, which are leather and pants and Kurt is wearing them. Also, Santana has never seen Facts of Life before, but already she is shipping Jo and Blair. She says they really need to stage a Facts of Life musical (which: YES, PLEASE!) and Rachel walks in and says she will play the Blair to Santana’s Jo (which: DOUBLE YES, PLEASE!). Rachel thanks Santana for pushing her to see the truth about Brody and offers her a permanent place in their loft. Santana accepts with a little girlfriend pillow wave.
Oh, and just in case there was any doubt about the height of Kurt’s amazingness, he went ahead and named Rachel’s boyfriend pillow “Colin” after “the non-threatening boy in The Secret Garden.
Rachel chooses Mama Mia for movie night and it’s such a lovely performance and probably Kurt would even have gotten to participate with her and Santana if stupid New New Directions hadn’t butted in and taken over. GET YOUR OWN SHOW, NEW NEW DIRECTIONS. Of course, now we know that the Lima/Bushwick portal is held together with a psychic connection between Kurt and Blaine and this golden hula hoop they pass back and forth in their imaginations, so that’s something.
I’m never able to get all of the best one-liners into my recap, so here were a couple of my favorites this week:
Sam to Tina when she finds out Mr. Schue is out sick: “Just curious, are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he’s passed out and rub some ointment on his chest?”
Brittany to Jake when he insults Britney Spears: “You shut your mouth!”
Kitty: “My pastor says even Jesus took baby steps.” Brittany: “Do you go to the Church of Satan?”
Santana: “I have no ethical problems with homocide.”
Only five weeks left for: Nationals, a Klaine reunion, and, God willing, an acknowledgement from RMurph & Co. that this show is going to focus on New York next season.
Many thanks as always to my screencapping partner Lindsay (@ScenicPenguin)!