Over in the boys locker room, Sam tells Blaine to put on some pants so they can have a heart-to-heart. Sam’s got a secret. A deep, dark secret. A secret that is writhing around inside him like a Santana in a cage. Blaine’s little face. He glances around and goes, “Do you have … feelings for me?” And then: “Ha ha ha! Just kidding! LOL forever! What a joke I just made! Er, what’s your secret?” Sam’s secret is that he is a huge Barry Manilow fan. A Fanilow. He comes out as such in the choir room with quite a speech about the soft rock stylings of Mr. Manilow and then goes full “Copacabana” on everyone. Brittany hops up from her seat and cha-chas the whole gang into back-up singers and dancers. After the performance everyone admits to being a Fanilow, and Blaine is halfway to admitting he’s a Samilow.
The girls meet in the theater to decide which Spice Girls they’re going to be. Brittany’s British accent is hilarious. I don’t think we’ve ever heard her talk as much as she does in this episode. Like in all other episodes combined, I’ve never heard her string so many complete sentences together. Kitty nominates Marley for Posh Spice because she’s “so skinny and makes everyone uncomfortable.” Brittany nominates Unique for Baby Spice, because she wants to turn the accidental Spice racism on its head. Kitty takes Ginger, Brittany takes Sporty, Tina gets relegated to Scary. The girls can’t get their practice on, though, because Tina breaks the news that Jake’s guilty pleasure is going to be a Chris Brown song.
The way Marley storms through the halls shouting and slamming stuff is both terrifying and super hot.
When Glee tackles any kind of social issue, like as soon as it becomes obvious they’re going to dedicate dialogue to a thing that matters, you can actually sense the collective groan of the entire internet. Not because it’s almost always heavy-handed PSAs with this show, but because nine times out of ten, they jump from the high dive and end up belly-flopping all the water out of the pool. We’ve been watching them muck it up so long now, we’ve actually developed an entirely new standard of measuring their success at social commentary. With other shows, we call offensive things offensive. With Glee, if it isn’t so offensive it makes you want to punch your TV in the face, we call it a win.
Jake: Yes, Chris Brown a jerk who beat the hell out of his girlfriend and acts like an asshole every time he steps out of his house or clicks “send” on Twitter, but some of his music is pretty good. And shouldn’t we be able to separate the art from the artist? And anyway, we didn’t stop performing Rihanna music just because she got back together with him. And Whitney and Britney have their issues too.
Girls: Being a victim of physical assault and having substance abuse problems are not the same things as smashing up a girl’s face and then getting a battered woman tattooed onto your body. There’s a difference between needing drug counseling and being remorseless, sociopathic megalomaniac.
It’s a scene that could have been worse? So, I guess it’s a victory?
Just when you thought Blaine Warbler couldn’t get any cuter, he’s in the library reading R.L. Stine graphic novels. Sam finds him there and tells him he’s only as sick as his secrets and that as a leader of the glee club he needs to come clean in front of glee club, you know, to set an example. Blaine looks like he’s going to vomit all over his comic books. Does Sam know?