“Glee” recap 4.16: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Rage Breasts

 
 

While he’s being a wanker about Unique, Ryder is also getting himself into some kind of Catfish-ed situation with a girl online named “Katie.” They tell each other their deepest, darkest secrets, and Ryder sends her a couple of shirtless pictures of himself because she’s definitely who she says she is. Just a blonde-haird, brown-eyed, perfectly proportioned cisgendered straight girl who likes to sing and toss around a football and dry hump you while you play video games. Would it be giving Glee too much credit to say they’re exploring a “real” girl parallel here between Unique and Catfish Katie? Yes? In the end, this is going to be Unique posing as Katie and stalking Ryder? OK, then.

The very, very best McKinley feud is between Sue Sylvester and Blaine Devon Warbler Anderson. Sue calls Blaine into her office and presents him with a 500-page contract that he signed when he became a Cheerio for a day back when New Directions had disbanded. She needs a strong, rhythmic, handsome young man to hoist girls into the air without trying to look up their skirts, and she thinks Blaine is just the guy for the job. And anyway, the contract does, in fact, obligate him to perform at all cheerleading competitions, pep rallies, GOP National Conventions, etc. Blaine tries to refuse, but it only results in Becky doing black ops. Sue hires a plane to skywrite a message about how Blaine is a bottom, which: I’m not sure why that’s an insult, but also which: I’m sure Klaine fanific writers are glad to have the confirmation. Becky also replaces Blaine’s hair gel with rubber cement, resulting in the second best visual gag of the night: Blaine knocking on his hair helmet like a coconut. The first best visual gag is the camera panning back after Blaine’s long, intense meeting with Sue to reveal Tina in the chair beside him, agreeing to re-join the Cheerios. Sue tells her to go hag-out over Lance Bass.

The Sylvester/Warbler feud is a Mariah/Minaj “I Still Believe”/”Superbass” mash-up, and if you ever wondered what the fever dream of a lesbigay TV recapper looks like, this is it. Jane Lynch and Darren Criss and fog machines and black lights and circus-colored everything and beautiful harmony and ass-shaking and Lynch just mugging at the camera for like three full minutes with her beautiful, perfect face. The winner is: Every gay everywhere. Glee is so queer sometimes I still can’t believe it is on Fox. Anyway, nice try, gay Clark Kent from season one of Smallville.

The feuds shake down like so:

Finn decides to leave McKinley, and after a pep talk from Marley, he realizes he should get a degree in education so he can start his own glee club and get his own best friend who is half his age.

“Katie” convinces Ryder that he’s acting like a real dillhole, because everyone has a truth to live, and who is he to tell Unique what hers is? So he apologizes to Unique and talks to Jake for ten minutes about how he has good hands for Jake’s balls. Kitty also stops by to hop on the cuddle pile. She’s decided to stop being so judge-y due to the fact that she is dating Puck and therefore has exactly zero inches of ground to stand on when it comes to ridicule. They pretend that anyone would watch a show dedicated to the five of them, after Sam and Blaine and Brittany and Artie and Tina graduate. It’s cute. Inaccurate, but cute.

And Blaine finally agrees to join the Cheerios. Once he’s back in his uniform, the camera grabs his ass — for the third time this season. But, wait! It turns out Blaine is double-crossing Sue! He sneaked his way back onto the Cheerios to take her down from inside her own house! Blaine, you beautiful dummy! This is going to end in you getting brutally axe-murdered!

New New Directions close it out with Tegan and Sara‘s “Closer,” answering that age-old question, “Can this show get any gayer?” with a resounding “You betcha!”

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