Like I said, Kurt is sobbing, which Adam notices because his head is resting on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt tries to play it off as contact problems, but Santana is like, “Pretty sure those are actual tears based on the fact that this is your wedding song with Blaine. Also pretty sure you told me singing this with him would be more intimate that actual sex.” But enough of that. Santana has other business to attend to. Naya Rivera is so good in this scene, it would be unfair of me to give it to you any way but straight:
Santana: I have something to say. I have tried to keep it to myself, but I will be silent no more. That Brody character is a freaking psycho.
Rachel: Here we go.
Kurt: Go on.
Santana: Listen, when I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelled all talcum-y, like a Cabbage Patch doll, and then he said I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I had my first makeover and I was like, “What does that even mean? Like, who are you?”
Adam: Come on, Brody’s a sweetheart.
Santana: That’s what I told myself. You know, I said, “So what if he’s completely hairless and made out of plastic?” I’m going to look past the fact that he probably has a disgusting porn star landing strip. I’m going to give Lars and the Real Boy one more chance, but then, I found this: $1,200 in cash.
Rachel: When did you find that?
Santana: Last night, when I was rooting through all the pockets and drawers in this apartment.
Rachel: Wait, what?
Kurt: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rachel: Santana, you went through all of our stuff?
Santana: Yeah. That’s a thing I do.
Kurt: That’s completely unacceptable.
Santana: Oh, OK. I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything, but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in, and goes through all your stuff, you’re offended?
Adam: Just because he has a little bit of money on him doesn’t mean he’s a psycho.
Santana: That’s what I thought! Right? Who cares if he’s terrified of banks, because if I were made out of plastic, I’d be scared of a lot of things too: open flames, barbecues — but then I found this.
Kurt: What is that?
Rachel: Is it a garage door opener?
Santana: This is a pager, my friends. And there’s only one type of person who carries cash and a pager. Your friend Brody is a drug dealer.