Before the girls perform, Kitty corners Marley in the bathroom and tells her she’s been running subterfuge on her for months now, just because she was bored, but that she’s (mostly) sorry and probably they should be BFFs since they’re going to be sisters-in-law one day because they’re both dating Puckermans. (Oh, Puck. You dumbass. At least go to jail for something noble like taking the fall for your brother’s chop shop, like Tim Riggins.) (This school desperately needs a Tami Taylor.) Marley’s response to Kitty’s confession of duplicitousness is to immediately confide in her that she kissed Ryder after his Cyrano routine on Valentine’s Day.
Anyway, the girls’ mashup is “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend/Material Girl.” They’re dressed like when your friend picked out her bridesmaids dresses when she was seven years old playing Barbies and wouldn’t listen to reason when you told her maybe this wasn’t the best fashion choice for adult human beings. My favorite thing about it is that Unique gets the lead and even the most suggestive line about “Come and get me, boys!” which is cool because it means the show has now given her full permission to embrace the woman inside her, sexiness and all, and if that makes you uncomfortable, rural America, change the channel.
Finn convinces Will that he has to go after Emma if he really wants to save their relationship, so Schue takes one dozen teenagers with him to try to reconcile with his fiance. A lot of people (everybody in my Twitter stream, at least) haaaated this Say Anything shout-out, but I reeeeaaally love that movie and this song and they sound fantastic. Besides, how else would we have gotten to see Sugar in her bear-ear hat? Once Emma comes down to meet Will, the kids skedaddle hilariously away and Will and Emma decide to start getting to know each other all over again, this Friday, with a movie. Anything else you want to say, Emma? Before Finn Hudson has a chance to ruin your life? No? You’re good?
Back at school, Jake confesses to Marley that Ryder thought up all that Valentine’s Day stuff, but all this ’80s reminiscing has inspired him, Ghost-wise. They do some four-handed clay-making (not a euphemism) and sing “Unchained Melody,” but Marley checks out in the middle of the song to watch two other people at the pottery wheel. If you didn’t think she was going to imagine Ryder and Jake, face-to-face, hands in the mud, serenading each other, well, you are reading the wrong website. I knew it was going to be them. I knew it. But nope. Marley just hallucinated herself turning clay with Ryder instead. Boooorrrrring. After the song and the crafting, Marley confesses to Jake that Ryder kissed her and that she let him and Jake sad puppies right out of the room.
Also confessing: Finn Hudson. After Will announces that everyone is the winner of the movie showdown — “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?!” Blaine moans and gesticulates in such a way that ensures him forever favorite GIF status — Finn drags Will out in the hall and tells him about how he kissed Emma. He asks Will to punch him in the throat, but Will just stares at him for a hundred years and then walks right past him all teary eyes and broken hearts.
New Directions close it out with “Footloose.” It’s a weird tonal shift, but, again, this choreography is great and the energy is electric and Heather Morris literally takes off her shoe at the “kick off your Sunday shoes” part and any time we can make it out of the McKinley scenes without my brain catching itself on fire, we’re gonna call it a win. Only thing missing was a chance for Sam to do a Kevin Bacon impression.