Marley wants to ask Jake to the dance, but she’s feeling pretty low since everyone took turns punching her in the face after she passed out at Regionals. Brittany decides to take Marley under her wing, so she gives it the old one-two punch of “It’s Brittany, Bitch” and a magical turn, and we are rewarded with some killer HeMo dance moves and a rousing rendition of “Tell Him” as performed by Marley, Brittany, Unique, and Tina, Kitty, and Sugar Motta. At the end of the ditty, Marley asks Jake to the dance and he accepts.
Kitty isn’t really feeling Marley’s newfound confidence, so she slithers up to Jake in the hallway and offers to blow him, once right now and once after the dance, if he’ll go with her instead. Jake’s face is like Zoinks!. He asks Puck, who is legit just roaming around the hallways at his leisure these days, if it’s better to get to third base with the devil or halfway to first base with the shadow of the ghost of the echo of Rachel Berry. Puck’s like, “That second thing, bro. But just out of curiosity, where would one find this ‘devil?’” Puck then tracks down Kitty and asks her to the dance, which is apparently not a recipe for statutory rape because she has a fake ID.
The Sadie Hawkins dance is pretty. Everyone looks very nice. Sadly, there are so many sad ladies sitting around sadly in the sad bleachers feeling sad about how no boys will ask them to dance, and this is a Jane Austen novel after all, and a person can’t speak to another person at a country ball without first being formally introduced. Coach Bieste sees the sad ladies being sad with no men to call their own, so she marches over and tells them to get up and be proactive. After all, it was after she sought out her own validation in the arms of a man at her first Sadie Hawkins dance that she decided to join the football team. Who knows what these girls can accomplish if only they’ll find the courage to ask a boy to love them?
But it’s not all sad news for these teenage spinsters. The ladies of New Directions crush it with a performance of “Locked Out of Heaven.” The harmonies are sweet, Brittany’s moves are fierce, Unique has finally found her place, and Tina puts so much heart into the song it’s like she really does think — quite rightly, probably — that with her luck, she literally will get locked out of heaven one day. The fellas of New Directions bring it with a cover of TLC’s “No Scrubs.” It’s gender-bendy. It’s nostalgic. It’s sexy. Also, HeMo, girl, it’s hard to stay mad at you when you do it like you do.
The weirdest part of the dance is when Blaine and Tina almost kiss because he’s having such a good time I guess he forgets that he’s a raging homosexual? Luckily, Sam pulls him out of the moment with a legitimately hilarious request for some sleuthing backup. Turns out the Warblers were doping before Regionals. Sam figured it out because they all have giant heads and also Sebastian hulked out in The Lima Bean and someone recorded it. Blaine smiles adoringly as Sam delivers the news to Finn. So, New New Directions is back, I guess! Sectionals, here we come?