Story the Third: Jake is getting bullied because his classmates are confused about how interracial people celebrate the holidays, but Puck has gotten his hands on a teleporter apparently, so he appears in the hallway and menaces the jocks away. Then he and Jake climb back into his teleporter and disembark in Los Angeles, where they run wild and free through the Paramount lot singing “Hanukkah O Hanukkah.” Puck is squatting at the mansion of a pool-cleaning client, of course, and when they return home early and kick Puck out, he and Jake get back into the teleporter and return to Lima to have dinner with their moms.
It’s a disaster at first because Daddy Puckerman dicked them all over, but then they realize that the holidays are about making your family whole with bits and pieces of human bizarreness, and so they are uniquely happy in their unhappy family way, just like Tolstoy always said would happen.
Story the Fourth: Brittany is passing out Rolexes and vacations and Toyota Camrys like candy because the Mayan apocalypse is near and there’s going to be a whole new currency on the planet Zoltar or whatever. So she cashed in all her USDs and bought her friends some swag so they can at least relish their materialistic superiority while getting eaten alive by Giant Squids and Godzillas. No one believes Brittany except for Sam. He’s done some Beautiful Mind-type cipher decoding and decided that the end of the world really is in three days. The song of the Christmas apocalypse is Jingle Bell Rock, which strikes me as odd, because I thought the Christmas song “Christmas Shoes“ was the actual end of the world.
At the end of their second duet in two episodes, Sam drops to one knee and asks Brittany to marry him. She laughs and ruffles his hair because he really is the most adorable thing. “Sam,” she says, “I like you a lot. Heck, almost everyone in the Lesbian Blogger Community likes you a lot. You’re sweet and funny and when you play your guitar and sing, it sometimes makes me swoon to the point of dizziness. But we just got together last week, and you’re the first person I’ve even thought about dating since Santana and I got together. Can you imagine what it’s like to suddenly live without something you’ve always had and never even dreamed of losing? She was my very very very best friend before we ever started scissoring and losing her has been like losing an actual, physical part of myself. It’s not that you’re a boy; I’ve always been a unicorn-loving bisexual. It’s that kissing you one week and marrying you the next week devalues the most important relationship I’ve ever had. Given some time and enough DNA testing to prove we’re not brother and sister, I would cherish the opportunity to get serious with you.”
Just kidding, you guys. What she really says is, “I’m worried because of the Black Blogger Community. I think it meant a lot to them, seeing you and Mercedes together, because she’s not the typical stick-thin white girl writers usually pair guys like you with. And I’m worried those angry black people will hurt my perfect face. This isn’t offensive, is it? What I’m saying? Associating a minority with a mob and insinuating that they get hysterically violent when they don’t get their way?”
Just kidding again. She says yes.
Coach Bieste assures them that she is a certified Mayan priest. And she marries them. Sam calls Brittany his “soul mate” because that’s the personality he woke up with this morning. And Brittany says she can’t wait to be his wife for the next three days, until the world ends.
They wake up four days later, and the world has not ended.