“Glee” recap (4.10): Brampocalypse Now

Oh, but hey, who’s that knocking on the door? It’s Burt Hummel, our own Christmas Miracle, and he’s got a tree and some presents and a smile as warm as the sun!

Hey, Burt! Hey! (Hey!) He’s brought a real tree to Kurt’s loft because when Kurt’s mom died, Burt forgot about the tree, and on that first Christmas eve when it was just the two of them, he saw Kurt hanging an ornament on his window and he realized how much he had to learn. So he drove them straight to the Christmas tree farm and bought them a tree and the first ornament was the window ornament and it was Kurt’s mom’s perfume bottle and Burt promised himself never to let Kurt go tree-less again. Burt gives Rachel an ornament to hang on their tree, because she’s family too, and this is her first holiday in the city. It’s an apple. A big apple. Burt Hummel is my god and I worship at the altar of his flannel-shirted perfection.

Kurt and Burt head out to Radio City Music Hall, even though both of them and you and me know that the Rockettes ain’t got nothin’ on Burt’s “Single Ladies” performance. They dip into a diner for some hot chocolate afterward and Burt decides now is as good a time as any to let Kurt know he’s got convenience cancer. Kurt gasps. “Convenience cancer? But Dad, what does that even mean?” Burt explains that convenience cancer is caused by a plot tumor, and depending on what the cancer needs to accomplish for those closest to the patient, it could be fatal or it could never be mentioned again. In this case, the doctors caught Burt’s plot tumor early enough to keep him from losing his recurring character status, but not early enough to keep him from getting real about mortality with his son. Basically, Burt’s convenience cancer is in stage 1, because it only really needs to gently nudge two boys who love each other with their whole hearts into remembering that they love each other with their whole hearts.

Back at the Hummelberry loft, Kurt gives his dad a NYADA hat and a shirt and Burt gives Kurt an address, because this present is too big to fit under the tree. (Hey-o!)

Now, last week I learned a little something called “Klainer 12,” which is a thing I’d never heard of but people kept saying it to me, and it means I am a 12-year-old straight girl who wants to blow Darren Criss’ whistle, apparently. It’s been a long, long time since I was 12. Or straight. But the point is that people are always telling me I should write the exact kind of recap they want to read, expressing their own personal opinions in the precise way they want them expressed, and I am nothing if not accommodating, so please find on the next page a choose-your-own-adventure recap.

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