At NYADA, Rachel Berry dips out of the congo line in Dance Basics with Cassandra July to get a sip of water, and ol’ Cass shuts down the whole class to berate her and call her names and challenge her to a dance-off, “All That Jazz”-style. Rachel accepts the challenge because, for starters, she is hydrated now and nothing’s gonna break-a her stride, and also she’s just about had it with this personal vendetta. I mean, she’s no stranger to teachers acting like children, but at least Mr. Schue never beat her with a dancing stick. The song is fine. I kind of feel like, as a country, we’ve reached our Chicago saturation point. When it’s over, Cass is like, “You still can’t writhe around in spandex like I can.” And Rachel is like, “And you’re still not THE GREATEST SINGER IN ALL THE LANDS like I am.” Valid and valid. Also, just do it already, you homos.
Kurt stops by Carmen Tibideau’s office to ask if she received his most recent application and she tells him that she very rarely accepts repeat auditioners, and also that while she was impressed with his range and the way he wears gold leggings under his tearaway trousers, she doesn’t think he has much soul. Which is probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life, and Ryan Murphy just hijacked Heather Morris’ voice and spoke to me through my television, so I know a thing or two about stupidity. Have you seen Kurt Hummel’s face? Have you looked into Kurt Hummel’s eyeballs? When that boy sings, he lays his soul bare and your soul bare too. Even robots cry. Carmen Tibideau, you are my favorite nun/lounge singer, but you are wrong on this one.
The New Directions have gone in different new directions. Artie is the drum major of the marching band after only one afternoon. (If Artie is not a White House chief of staff by the time he’s 25, I will eat my gold leggings.) Ryder and Jake have joined the basketball team. Tina and Blaine are looking fiiiiine in their Cheerios uniforms. Teen Jesus is shooting Islamic and Jewish classmates with paintballs. And Unique has signed up for floor hockey. (What I wouldn’t give for a roller derby episode of this show! Rachel as Barbara Backhand, Quinn as Malice Ripley, Santana as Burn a Bitch Peters, Brittany as Angela Slamsbury. It could be so good)