Sue is having a little bit of buyers’ remorse now that she owns New Directions. Becky feels her. She had the same reaction after paying ten dollars to see Prometheus. Sue imagines that she’s actually set all of the glee club members free to pursue their real hopes and dreams, and her fantasy is validated by Brad the Piano Man who opens his mouth and says real words and the real words are: “Thank you for opening my cage and setting me free.” Or something. It’s like fifteen whole words, more than Tina’s ever gotten to say in a row, that’s for sure.
New Directions turn on each other speedy quick. Actually, that’s not true. New Directions turn on Marley like a pride of lions at the zoo who have been just fine eating Hamburger Helper or whatever, but then one day the zookeepers are late with their dinner and they suddenly realize that one of the lions is a hyena. The hyena is Marley, in this analogy, and Tina is Mufassa. She roars “Rachel Berry” like a hundred thousand times and everyone else starts growling “Rachel Berry” too, and we always knew this was the kind of sensitivity Glee would apply to this eating disorder story. Also, jerks, she’s a reanimated corpse, so keep it up and see who’s laughing tomorrow.
Brittany wanders out into the hall to find a trail of Cheerios (the cereal, not like a head-to-toe road of Kittys) on the floor. One-by-one she picks them up and eats them, because she also eats chocolate out of litter boxes, if you’ll remember, and so sure, why not. At the end of Cheerios Lane is Sam, who offers her a glass of milk and an out-of-the-blue love confession. He says that Santana probably picked on him because he always had a thing for Brittany. “Always,” including the time when he pre-proposed to Quinn and spent months mooning after Mercedes. They sing “Something Stupid,” and Brittany is bisexual, right? And Sam is one of the coolest cats on this show, right? And so there is nothing offensive at all about this pairing, right?
But keep your vaginas on because when the song is over, Sam tries to kiss her, but Brittany snaps her fingers like Zack Morris and freezes the TV world and knocks down the fourth wall with a sledgehammer to speak to the real world:
It’s not just Santana; it’s like all the lesbians of the Nation and I don’t know how they found out about Santana and I dating, but once they did they started sending me tweets and Facebook messages on Lord Tubbington’s wall. I think it means a lot to them to see two super-hot popular girls in love and I worry that if they find out about you and I dating, that they’ll turn on you and get really violent and hurt your beautiful face and mouth.
I can’t be sure because Glee is a master at subtlety, but I think maybe Brittany’s dialogue is a message from Glee‘s writers to AfterEllen.com. I think they’ve heard about how women are hysterical because they have vaginas instead of brains and sometimes when they get their periods they murder people because of television, and when you do the math, lesbians have double the vaginas and thus double the hysteria and thus double the dead body count. Like at AfrerEllen HQ — I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a fact — we have this shed where we keep the ash of the bodies of the TV writers and showrunners who have done us dirty because that’s just how we roll. Because we’re angry and unhinged and, also, again: no brains.
Brittany snaps again, and the TV world comes back to life, and she leaves Sam alone with his lips puckered up for some Cheerios sugar.