“Glee” recap (4.08): Jodie Foster’s clambake

Speaking of women who are defined by men, Rachel is helping Brody prepare a turkey for cooking at the Hummelberry loft. He asks Rachel to rub her hands all over the cold turkey flesh while he rubs his hands all over the cold turkey flesh and even though she is a professed vegan, the way they’re messaging that dead animal skin together is really turning her on. Kurt is grossed out in more ways than one, so he tells them to cut it out.

Because it is raining and also it is Thanksgiving and also we haven’t seen SJP walking in the rain with an umbrella through the mad streets of Manhattan yet, she cannot find a cab. So her guests arrive a little bit early and those guests are Shangela! And Ryan Heffington! It’s about time this show had some proper drag queens! They use their powers to teleport Isabelle right into the loft, and then they break out with a Scissor Sisters/Promises Promises mash-up of “Let’s Have a Kiki” and “Turkey Lurkey Time.” It’s like one of those times when you’re watching Glee like an inside joke between you and every gay person on earth, while all your straight friends just gawk at the screen and wonder when that actual fuck is happening. It’s a real good time, is what I am saying. A real good time. It warmed me up in my bones.

Sectionals time! Marley is gnawing on a Tic Tac in the bathroom and moaning about how hungry she is, but also she is just glad to fit into her dress, which, let me say it again: MARLEY, ALL THE CLOTHES IN YOUR CLOSET STILL FIT EXACTLY THE SAME! USE YOUR BRAIN, DUMMY! The New New Directions pray that this performance will lead them to the top of the mountain with Old New Directions and that none of them will keel over and die right on the stage.

The Warblers are up first and of course they get to perform two songs. The main thing you need to know is that Hunter Clarington wants you to blow his whistle, baby. I think he means oral sex, though, you guys. I think he wants you to go to Jodie Foster’s clambake with him. The Warblers are flawless, as always, even though they are evil. They are followed by the Rosedale Menonites, who perform a medley of “Over The River And Through The Wood” and “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round The Mountain,” and it’s one of those songs that, like, if Blaine is singing it, you think he’s talking about blowing his whistle, but when the Rosedale Menonites are singing it, it sounds like they’re talking about an actual forest and an actual mountain.

Backstage, Blaine’s phone rings. And it is Kurt. He has climbed out onto the fire escape in the cold in the rain to call Blaine because no matter how warm and wonderful it is inside his loft right now, he is still cold on his insides because of the hobbit-shaped hole in his heart. At first, he just wants to accept Blaine’s apology and move on with his life, like Isabelle told him was the grown-up thing to do. But then he thinks wishing Blaine luck at Sectionals is also the grown-up thing to do. But then once he starts talking, he can’t stop, because just the knowledge of Blaine on the other end of the phone is making him feel whole and alive again, and so he invites him to go ice skating at Christmas, invites him to have a real conversation with him about their lives and their future, invites him to laugh with him because he’s still scared of that mouse he saw one time at Lima Bean. Blaine’s face lights up like Christmas and he blurts out that he loves Kurt so much, and Kurt cannot help himself. He says he loves Blaine too. They stay on the line just long enough to let the other one know they never, ever want to hang up.

When Kurt crawls back inside the window, Isabelle sees him. She strides across the room in three steps and wraps him up in her arms. (Anti-Hudson. Anti-Schuester.)

Right. So. Gangnam Style. It’s a Korean ditty and Tina gets a chance to sing for the first time in like three years and that strikes me as pretty racist. But New Directions does it well. Sam is amazing and so is Sugar. And Brittany. And Blaine. They’re all pretty great and the audience is really feeling it. When they finish, it’s all cheers! cheers! cheers! And then Marley Rose inhales her last breath and drops dead on stage.

RIP New Rachel. Maybe Tina will get a chance to sing the songs usually reserved for white people now.

An enormous thank you to my screencapping partner Lindsay (@ScenicPenguin), who never sleeps and will miss Marley most of all.

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