Previously on Glee, the Originals returned to McKinley High for a little Greased Lightnin’. Mike macked on Tina, Mercedes revealed that she is crushing it in LA (duh), Kurt stared at Blaine with baby deer tears in his eyeballs, and Rachel couldn’t find Quinn in their bathroom, so she called Brody instead and discovered that he was boning Cassandra July. Because what else are you going to do when she starts brandishing her abs at you like that? Kitty infected Marley with bulimia because she was jealous of her love triangle situation. And Finn took over Glee club so Mr. Schue could go to D.C. and earn some extra cash for Nationals by dancing around in a sombrero and leather pants.
Remember when Blaine joined all those clubs at the beginning of the school year to try to fill the Kurt-shaped hole in his heart? Well, the Secret Society of Superheroes Club is still in full effect and all the cool people have joined up. Blaine has traded in his secret identity of Kittenboy for a secret identity of Nightbird, and also he’s gotten his hands on a burner phone, which he wants to use as a hero hotline, but which Tina wants to use to help him process his feelings about Kurt. Blaine is saved from crying some more by a distress call from the choir room. Their Nationals trophy has been stolen by the Warblers!
Marley is standing at her locker. Her locker that still houses a sign that declares: “I love my mom!” Which is totally normal behavior for a teenage girl. Ryder swoons at her, Jake swoons at her – then they try to beat the shit out of each other while she feebly squeaks, “Stop this! It’s stupid! We could be spending this time showing something the audience cares about! Like who is Santana making cry right now? What is Kurt wearing? Is Quinn still alive or what?!” Suddenly Finn is there, dressed like a Schuester, and he busts up the brawl.
Finn’s first glee club lesson is a disaster. He can’t find the white board markers, he can’t command an audience, he can’t think of anything worth singing. Everyone starts booing and hissing and throwing rotten fruits and vegetables at him like they’re used to actually learning something at choir practice. Like Will Schuester was an exemplary leader who never had ideas like: “Night of neglect!” (Will’s best ever idea was called “Finnproof,” but unfortunately it didn’t stick.) Blaine storms out of glee club to go to Dalton to recover their Nationals trophy.
But first, Coach Beiste is also dressed in superhero garb and her superhero is The Beiste Master and she says “Punkin'” and I love her. Finn lumbers up and whines the word “Hi” like only he can. He explains that his first lesson was a mess because no one likes him, and Coach Beiste goes, “I can’t think of anything to say to better illustrate how out of touch these writers are with the audience than, ‘Be their hero, Finn.'”
Blaine descends on Dalton Academy – it says a lot about how much I miss the olden days that even seeing this set makes me go, “Awww! Dalton!” – and runs into Sebastian who says he did not steal New Directions’ trophy. No, that was Doctor Claw. Doctor Hunter Clarington Claw. He’s new here and already he has fallen under the spell of the ghost of Blaine Warbler. He tempts Blaine with a blazer and an acapella rendition of Kelly Clarkon’s “Dark Side,” and it’s every bit as gaudy and glamorous as you remember the Warblers being. They send Blaine on his way with his blazer and tell him to return anytime he wants to hop around on the leather common room furniture or be a messiah.
Finn returns to McKinley the next day dressed as The Almighty Treble Clef and his assignment is Dynamic Duets. He pairs Ryder with Jake and Marley with Kitty. Poor Blaine is going fully Gollum in his own mind, changing identities every six seconds and mumbling cryptic phrases to himself. He’s Blaine Anderson. He’s Nightbird. He’s Blaine Warbler. While Finn is doling out duets, he’s wrapped up in his cape, rocking back and forth in the corner, hissing, “We needs that trophy, Precious. No! No! Tricksy Treble Clefsies! We needs must haves the blazer!“
Ryder and Jake team up for “I am Superman” and it’s pretty great. They’re both dressed as Clark Kent, reporter hats and glasses and everything, and they dance around and disrobe and jump on tables and sing in Marley’s face. It’s that last thing that causes the duet to fall apart. They end up rolling around on the ground and slapping at each other and squalling like a couple of rabid cats. And, I mean, just make out already, you two. Good grief. You keep finding ways to say “Marley” while rubbing all over each other. It’s ridiculous. Even Marley doesn’t understand it. Finn tells them to try again, but this time, they need to share their deepest, darkest, most desperate fears and feelings with each other before they sing. Because that’ll help them be less in love mean to each other.
After class, Blaine admits to Finn that he sang a song with the Warblers, and Finn takes it harder than he took the news that Rachel is over him. Blaine legit stomps his foot and crosses his arms over his chest and says everything at this school remind him of Kurt, including the fact that he transferred here only for Kurt, and probably he should be getting back to his birthright now. Finn says Blaine is the gel that holds New Directions together, and ugh, just when I thought I’d reached my absolute limit with him, he goes and puns and I hate him more.
Kitty and Marley try to shake down the details of their solo, but Marley’s main deal is that she doesn’t want to wear a spandex suit around town due to her body image issues. Kitty goes, “Are you still puking on the regular? Because if so, the good news is that we can be best friends.” Indeed, Marley is still vomiting every time she eats. They link their arms together and smile into each other’s faces and act like Glee is a show that can actually be trusted to deal with body image issues.
In the locker room, Sam is wearing his jockstrap on his head and doing an uncanny Bane impersonation. He goes, “When Gotham is in ashes, you have my permission to die! Let the games begin!” Sam is my favorite. I wish he wasn’t getting married to Brittany or whatever weird thing Ryan Murphy’s been whooping and hollering about on Twitter. Jake tries to confess to Ryder via love letter that being mixed race makes it hard for him to feel like he fits in anywhere, but Ryder cannot read Jake’s letter because Ryder cannot read, full stop.
In the bathroom, Marley and Kitty are trying to be Rachel and Quinn, but with like six percent of the sexual tension and natural charisma. Marley’s costume is The Wallflower, but kind of like Wonder Woman, and Kitty’s costume is Catwoman, because that is the perfect choice for her. They sing Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero,” and the whole time, Kitty is, like, zooming around the walls and running on the ceiling and cracking her whip. The song is great. They sound great together. That whip is hilarious. I wish Kitty wasn’t the worst person to ever be born.
Finn finds out via Jake that Ryder can’t read, so he shuffles him over to the special education coordinator to take some tests. It’s weird because the actual on-screen testing lasts for like half an hour. We’re just watching and watching and watching Ryder get angrier and angrier and angrier that he can’t read. Anyway, he finds out he’s dyslexic and the show goes “DYSLEXIA!” like it’s so proud of itself, like it’s the first time we’ve ever heard the word “DYSLEXIA!” Like Sam didn’t tell us in the very first episode of season two that he’s dyslexic. Hey, Glee writers, here’s an affliction for you to look up: “AMNESIA!”
In the cafeteria, Jake gets his groove on with Mrs. Marley. He really is an adorable little thing, isn’t he? Mrs. Marley thinks so too; she tells him The Wallflower talks about him constantly, in between sewing her own clothes out of burlap sacks and ralphing up her dinner. A couple of jocks start shouting fat stuff at Mrs. Marley and Jake decides to beat the hell out of all of them, only they outnumber him like 30 to one. Well, luckily Ryder shows up in the nick of time and explains that messing with one of them means messing with both of them because that’s how boyfriends work.
Jake calls Puck (PUCK! HI, PUCK!) for some brotherly advice. Puck is just hanging out on Hollywood Blvd. dressed as The Puckerman, soliciting money from tourists for photos and/or sex. He explains that Jake has a special Puckerman pheromone that makes good girls go bad if you give it enough time. His advice is: “Don’t be a dick, don’t give up.” Which: Of all the lessons this show has tried to throw at us, that succinct one right there has got to be my favorite.
Blaine is cleaning out his locker when Sam stops by to talk some sense into him. For reasons that make absolutely no sense, Blaine flashes back to the afternoon he poked Eli C. on Facebook and the in real life, and you think they’re going to give us some kind of new information, but really the only thing we learn is that Eli C. doesn’t look like his profile picture. Probably because Klaine fandom punched his head into a whole new shape. Blaine says that the real irony of the cheating is that he knew he and Kurt were meant to be together forever as soon as it was over. Sam drops some wisdom into Blaine Warbler’s lap: Doing bad stuff doesn’t make you a bad person, and at some point, you’ve got to stop clinging to your guilt like a life raft. They sing David Bowie’s “Heroes” while New Directions cleans up graffiti and has a food drive for Thanksgiving.
Sam and Blaine don their superhero costumes and break into Dalton to steal their Nationals trophy, and also, because Blaine is Blaine, he returns the blazer with a kindly note about, “No, thank you. :)” The Warblers realize the trophy is missing and run to the balcony just in time to see Nightbird and The Impersonator running across a grassy field. These scene transitions have been hilarious tonight. I love the ’60s Batman callbacks. But this one is the best. As they’re running, we get some pop-art that says: “BLAM!” “SLAINE!” It made me laugh out loud for real.
At school, Ryder tells Marley he has to study and can’t go on a date with her and she’s like, “Aww, too bad” and Kitty overhears and so does Jake and ZZZZzzzzzz.
Whoops. Dozed off for a second. Must be all that turkey I had for lunch. Or the fact that this love triangle is a snoozefest.
Glee club gives Finn a “utility belt disguised as a fanny pack” because he is their hero. BRB, barfing with Marley. They get all dolled up in red shirts like the pilot episode and sing a little “Some Nights” by Fun. And it is Fun. And Blaine is here to stay. And so is this goddamn love triangle, I guess.
Next week: Santana and Quinn(!) bitch slap each other. I can hardly wait!
