Marley is freaking out some more about her costume, so Kitty does that finger thing again and leads her to the bathroom. She points to the toilet and says, “Puke!” Marley is four seconds away from a full-fledged eating disorder. It looks like all hope is lost. Is there no man around who can save this woman from herself? Yes, actually. Yes, there is. His name is Ryder and he busts into the bathroom and tells her not to make herself vomit because if she does it, she won’t be kissable, on stage or off stage. She smiles at him and says, “Thanks, Ryder. I just needed a boy to give me some attention so I could understand what self-worth is really about.” He’s like, “Don’t thank me; thank my mentor, Finn Hudson.”
Anyway, back to couples who belong together for all time, Brittany snuggles up to Santana at the makeup mirror as she preps for her solo. With their mouths they say the miss each other and with their eyes they say they love each other and with their body language they say that doing the mature thing and trying to figure out who they are without each other is the worst fucking thing and so maybe they should stop fighting their destiny. One of the most beautiful things about Brittany S. Pierce is that she has never, not even for a second, doubted her place in Santana’s world or in Santana’s heart. Brittany just knows. She knows Santana loves her the best. She knows Santana needs her the most. But also she knows that you can only nudge Santana in the direction of the truth. We’ve seen her do it a billion times.
So when she tells Santana how easy it would be for them to get back together and Santana doesn’t budge, Brittany just says, “OK, but don’t forget when you’re singing your solo that it comes from a place of such brokenness. So, you know, if you have any deep sadness to tap into, you should do that.” In some ways, Brittany has always been waiting for Santana. Not waiting by locking herself away and pining, but waiting while she’s living, waiting for Santana to acknowledge the things that have always been true.
Santana sings “There Are Worse Things I Could Do,” and, like always, Naya’s voice is a balm for my weary soul. Which is why when Kate Hudson interrupted to sing along while boning Brody, I legit shouted at the TV, “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!” Santana looks at Brittany waiting in the wings (metaphor!) and starts to realize that Brittany is right again like all the times before. Unique (as Wade) sings also. I like Unique. Unique is great. BUT STOP SINGING OVER SANTANA, YOU ASSES.
Before the last number, Ryder kisses Marley and Jake gets mad about it so Kitty gets mad about that so she sucks donkey balls some more and tells Marley not to freak out during the performance on account of the notoriously tough sophomore critic who is in the audience. Also, Ryder is shocked — just absolutely bamboozled! — by the sight of Marley in her leather costume. I guess when you cast a musical one week and stage it the next week, there’s no time for dress rehearsal?
“You’re the One that I Want” is supposed to be all about Marley and Ryder, but Rachel hallucinates back to the time she and Finn performed this very song on that very stage, and Brittany and Santana are dancing together again, and so are Kurt and Blaine, and basically what she is wishing is that these new kids never came to town, and for the first time in our lives, Rachel Berry and I agree on something.
After the play, Rachel rushes to the bathroom to call Brody because male reassurance is her crack, but Cassandra July answers the phone, all, “Gotcha, bitch! You just thought I was being nice by encouraging you to fly home and settle your shit with your boyfriend and also buying you a plane ticket, but really it was part of my plan to do all the sex with Brody to prove that I’ve still got!” Rachel is like, “I know a thing about being pathetic and desperate, but wow.” Also, she cries. Finn sees her crying. He wants to know if she’s crying over him. She is not.
Blaine tracks down Kurt in the hallway and says they need to talk, but Kurt is only interested in talking when he is the one who commits relationship indiscretions. When Blaine is the one who strays, Kurt shuts that shit down. Blaine pleads with Kurt to understand that it was a one-time thing, that he was lonely, that it didn’t mean anything, but Kurt says he can’t trust him and so the breakup is still on. He links arms with Rachel again and they say they want to go home — to New York.
The sophomore critic gave Grease a rave review. It only took him like five minutes to write it up. I see a great future for this guy as a TV recapper. Will gets sentimental about how much he is going to miss these guys. Verbatim:
Will: I am going to miss you guys!
Glee club: *crickets*
Will: I am going to miss you guys so so so much!
Glee club: *crickets*
Will: You mean literally everything to me.
Glee club: *crickets*
Finn and Will stroll the halls and talk about how every girl needs a boy to save her and ballads are a man’s best friend. Finn says, “I got this.” And Will is like, “Yeah, you do!” And, unlike Brittany, these two are never ever correct.
Next week: Superheroes! The Roles Brittany and Blaine Were Born to Play!