Beautiful Marley makes the New Directions cut. Mad Jake does not. So he sets the school on fire.
Kurt is cataloging the glee club’s sheet music, which we have never seen them use in 100 episodes, when Artie wheels himself into the classroom and drops the bomb that Blaine is the New Rachel. Everyone is shocked — shocked! — even though Blaine was kind of the New Rachel when Old Rachel was still Rachel. Unique, who has decided not to hide her light under a bushel thank you very much, gets in Artie’s face and goes, “Why do you hate strong black women?!” Which is almost as amazing as Sugar Motta lounging around atop the piano wearing pink sunglasses. Mr. Schue crashes the party to introduce Marley. They welcome her with open arms and Sugar fully Regina Georges her about, “I love your sweater; where’d you get it?” Before stage-whispering to Sam: “That is the ugliest effing sweater I have ever seen.”
Marley is all smiles when she tells her mom that she made the cut. Now, look. I am fine with the way one needs to suspend disbelief to enjoy this show, but Marley’s mom is in the lunchroom pulling a tray of cartoon-sized steaks out of the refrigerator. Steaks! In the school lunchroom! Unless those are going to be Salisbury, I call shenanigans. Anyway, Marley’s mom says, “That Rachel Berry rode the glee train all the way to SoHo!” But Marley doesn’t want to be on Broadway; she wants to be on the radio. She also wants to be honest with her mom. She tells her the glee kids were making fun of her, and even though it stings, her mom says that’s all the more reason for Marley to keep their relationship a secret. She’ll be the friendless daughter of the overweight lunchroom lady, just like all the schools before.
In the courtyard, the new Cheerios are messing around with some plastic glassware, and just when you think it’s gonna be “Red Solo Cup” all over again, Blaine saves the day. Kurt is still hanging around, drinking coffee and giving out tips on how to become a diva. Blaine affectionately tells him it’s time to take the knowledge of his noggin and and the song of his heart and the glory of his face to New York. Kurt knows it’s true. He’s like, “But what if I fail again? What about us?” And Blaine goes, “I believe in you and me and you enough for both of us. They don’t call me Gay WonderTeen for nothin’” Kurt smiles and says, “Be cuter, I dare you.” So Blaine goes and sings a song by Imagine Dragons while double dutch jump roping. All the puppies in the world hang their heads and shuffle home because not even smooshy faces and floppy ears are going to out-adorable Blaine Warbler on this day.
Kurt and Blaine embrace in the courtyard.
At lunch, Brittany makes the pronouncement that she will no longer be singing with New Directions because Blaine murdered the song in her heart. Kitty leads the Plastics in another round of Bash The Lunch Lady, but Marley isn’t having it. She goes, “You don’t know her life! She’s my mom!” Everyone except Kitty is appropriately ashamed of themselves. Brittany even literally facepalms. Marley says she thought these guys were different and storms away with her lunch tray (which probably has twice as much applesauce as all y’all’s lunch trays, jerks!).
Washington Square Park. Rachel is looking at photos of Finn on her phone when Brody stalks up behind her and gets stalky and is also a stalker. He does that patronizing thing people always do when their long-distance/post high school relationship has failed, like, “Oh, you have a teenage boyfriend? I had a teenage girlfriend once. It lasted about ten minutes after I left home.” For some reason, he grabs Rachel’s phone and take a photo of them together. She’s like, “Cool idea, bro! You know what they say about cell phone cameras going off in the final act!” Brody blah blah blahs about how Rachel shouldn’t give up on herself and he’s the new Finn and blah blah whatever. RACHEL BERRY. YOU ARE MOTHERF—ING RACHEL BERRY. YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO TELL YOU THAT. STOP IT.