Rachel makes her bi-hourly call to Kurt to let him know she’s good everything’s good, it’s all good, her dance teacher worships her, she didn’t step in front of a moving cab this morning and close her eyes and hope for the best, because she’s good, she misses him, but it’s good. Kurt is roaming the halls at McKinley. He stops by Sue’s office to find her cuddling(!) and cooing(!!) the cutest baby(!!!) on this earth. Her name is Robin because Sue is Batman and she needs a sidekick. Sue beckons Kitty, the new captain of the Cheerios, to feed and change little Robin. She introduces Kitty to Kurt like, “This is my new head bitch. She’s like Quinn Fabray without the pink hair, baby-napping, fake paralysis, and closeted lesbianism.”
Kitty’s like, “According to the reality TV shows available on Bravo, I thought all homosexuals were overachievers. What are you still doing in high school?” Uh, wearing a jaunty hat and looking like God’s gift to faces, Kitty! Go away! Kurt will be starting community college next week. His mouth says he’s excited. His posture says he is not.
Will Schuester runs through a smoke tunnel into the choir room blasting “Final Countdown” on his boom box and high-fiving everyone. He literally goes, “Gllllleeeeee!” And oh, they cheer! He says now that glee club is popular, they shouldn’t have any trouble replacing Mercedes, Rachel, Santana, three of the most talented high schoolers in the history of high schoolers. Actually, he’s off to a good start, because the first new member of New Directions is Wade “Unique” Adams. And oh, I cheer. (For real, when she walked in, I air-punched and said, “Yes! Unique!”) The New Directions welcome, however, is tepid. They don’t need more competition for the New Rachel. Brittany isn’t worried, though, because McKinley alumni aren’t allowed to try out for glee club, and she thinks Unique is Mercedes. (“That’s a great haircut, Mercedes. I thought you graduated.”)
Unique says she came to McKinley because McKinley celebrates diversity, and maybe that’s true, but also Unique came to McKinley because she wants to be the New Rachel. Mr. Scue is like, “What’s this rubbish? We don’t win with superstars! We win with team work!” Blaine rolls his eyes because did Will Schuester even watch the first three seasons of this show? He says they’ll settle the New Rachel in the auditorium this very afternoon, Thunderdome-style! OMG, yes! They’re going to lock themselves in a cage and sing each other to death! Finally!
Oh, wait, no. Blaine just meant they are going to have a sing-off to “the song of the summer, ‘Call Me Maybe.’” It’s hard to pull off the “song of the summer” the second week of September because usually people are ready to rip their own ears off from hearing “the song of the summer” 10 gazillion times. The performance is nothing special vocally, but Heather Morris and Darren Criss make those faces that make us love them so much. Tina flips her hair at Brittany one good time and Brittany’s kind of impressed. They ask Artie to declare a New Rachel, but he needs exactly one commercial break to deliberate.
The Lima Bean. Kurt works here now. (You know who else works at a coffee shop, Hummel? Pretty Little Lesbian Emily Fields.) Blaine asks after Santana and Brittany says she’s kind of lonely, what with not being able to scissor over Skype. Kurt interrupts their conversation, the details of which I am sure you will be able to read within six hours at fanfiction.net, to cheer about Friday’s New Directions auditions. He wants to know if his interest is pathetic. Blaine’s like, “Sweetheart, no.” Brittany’s like, “Honey, yes.” Kurt gets called away to fill the biscotti jar and warm up Kitty’s iced latte. Blaine bounces to go buy some more hair gel and Brittany leaves to Google “long-distance finger-bang.”
NYADA. Cassandra July isn’t a monster, you guys. OK, she wrote a letter of recommendation for her TA and it propelled him into the chorus of Wicked. She even gives him a hug and tells him there are no small parts, only small actors. He’s like, “It’s too bad I’m not going to be on this show for real. I am adorable.” She shoos him out to go get fitted for a flying monkey costume, and then makes herself a cherry berry vodka smoothie.
McKinley. It is such a day for jaunty hats in Lima, Ohio! The latest person to display one on her perfect, perfect head is new student Marley. (Dibs! I call dibs on Marley!) She introduces herself to New Directions at lunch, tells them she’ll be trying out for the club, and smiles sweetly at them all, even though Tina is a jerk to her. (Dibs, I said!)
The truce between New Directions and the “truly popular” kids (none of whom we have ever seen before) is apparently based on the glee club’s ability to sell themselves as normal. When Unique joins them for lunch, they tell her to stop being transgender during regular school hours. It’s pretty gross. Also gross is how Kitty & Co. slither up to the table and start dogging the new lunch lady for being overweight. They goad the glee kids into joining their jackassery. Brittany does, on accident. Then Artie does, on purpose. Marley overhears them and almost bursts into tears …