“Glee” recap (2.02): Brittany Spears Britney

Brittany goes to get her teeth scaled and bleached, and tells Dr. Carl that his exam room"looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed."

He must get that a lot because he doesn’t comment, just points out she has cavities in every single tooth, the worst teeth he’s ever seen.

"Please don’t pull all my teeth," she says tonelessly. "When I smile I’ll look like an adult baby with boobs."

He tells her to relax and gives her the gas, switching on a Pandora stream to, presumably, drown out the sound of his drill. I don’t know, we’re not going for the realism here, because it would be impossible for him to keep her anesthetized with a face mask like that and still get into her mouth. I’m just saying.

"No," she says as she realizes what song is playing as he gives her the gas. "No Britney." Too late.

And suddenly we’re in a sort of "Greatest Hits" video version of Britney Spears’ "I’m a Slave 4 U."

And I’m sorry, but this does nothing for me, and not because I’m not really a Britney fan. I’m not a Journey fan, either, but I still love what New Directions does with their music. No, it’s because this just doesn’t feel like Glee to me; it feels like an excuse to re-enact a Britney Spears performance with Heather Morris. It doesn’t advance the plot, it doesn’t tell us anything about Brittany (although it does tell us Morris is one hell of a performer when she gets to take center stage).

So if you loved it, feel free to rhapsodize in the comments, but don’t expect me to join in.

Anyway, Brittany emerges from her anesthetic haze to learn Dr. Carl hasn’t been able to fill all 68 cavities and she’ll have to come back. "Are you a cat?" she asks him.

Next we’re with the world’s most dysfunctional couple, Rachel and Finn, holding hands and walking down the hall. We go from the awesomeness of her banana nutbread to his longing to be on the football team again. Rachel says she’s glad he’s not on the team anymore because she no longer has to fantasize about what song she’ll sing at his bedside when he’s in a coma. Okay, that’s funny. Unfortunately she ruins it by adding that she’s also glad she won’t have to worry about him running off with a cheerleader anymore.

"Wait," he says, looking bewildered (although frankly, he normally does). "You want me to feel bad about myself?"

"No," she says, looking up at him. "I just want to be the only thing that makes you feel good." Yo, Rachel, there’s a name for that and it’s not "love."

"I’m just trying to be honest," she tells him.

Then Santana and Brittany walk by. "Hey, dwarf," Santana says."Did anyone ever tell you that you dress just like one of the bait girls on ‘To Catch a Predator’?"

"Also," says Brittany,"I’m more talented than you." (Okay, maybe she’s still high. Say what you want about Rachel’s personality or ethical standards, but she’s got more talent in one over-pumped lower lip than any ten other people.)

Rachel pouts that Finn didn’t defend her; he actually laughed."Well," he tells her. "Santana has a point." He slams the locker door. "Just trying to be honest."

Rachel looks one third hurt, one third thoughtful, and one third like she knew it all along as he walks away.

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