“Glee” Episode 313 Recap: Love Shack, Baby

Finn and Rachel later show up at the Glee Club to announce their wedding plans.

Puck asks when the baby’s due, and Quinn is horrified. And while Rachel and Finn suspected Will had ratted them out to their parents, it turns out it was Kurt, who thinks their wedding is a terrible mistake.

Mike, Tina, and Artie are supportive, and then Artie shoos them off the floor so he can sing his love song for Sugar, Mario‘s “Let Me Love You” – which Artie does much better. Sugar jumps into his lap and I fully commit at that moment to the Sugartie ship.

Finn has signed up for a God Squad Valentine’s Day song for Rachel, because nothing says “I love you” to your Jewish girlfriend like being serenaded by a Christian fundraising organization, unless it’s giving your girlfriend meat because you forgot she’s a vegan. Teen Jesus and the gang sing an insipid song called “Stereo” that I’ve never heard before and hope I never hear again, with backup from Mercedes’ church choir. All this for ten bucks.

Rachel is charmed, however, and Santana decides she wants to get a song for Brittany, too. But not without a little Satan to go with her romance.

“So, you guys are a Christian group?” she asks Joe.

He agrees it is so.

“And if I pay, I can send a Vocal Valentine to anybody I want, right?”

“Ten bucks. That’s the deal,” he tells her.

And she pounces. “In that case, I would like to send one to my girlfriend, Brittany. And by that, I don’t mean my friend who’s a girl. I mean my girlfriend girlfriend. How does that sound?”

From the look on his face, it sounds like an express ticket to the hot place, but we don’t see his answer. Instead, we’re whiplashed back to the choir room, where a sad Rory says he’ll have to go back to Ireland and he’s going to miss everyone so much because they’re like a family to him, and sings Michael Bublé’s “Home.”

Which so moves Sugar she decides she pities him even more than she pities Artie, so he’ll be her date to the Sugar Shack party.

Okay, maybe I don’t love Sugar quite as much as I thought I did.

At the next meeting of the God Squad, they debate accepting Santana’s Valentine request. Not because Sam, Quinn, or Mercedes have suddenly transformed into homophobes, but because they think it’s okay for Joe to be one because he’s a Christian.

He seems a little lost, saying he’s never met a gay person.

“Oh, I guarantee you have,” says Quinn, with a look that launched ten thousand lesbian!Quinn fan fics.

“Yeah, they say that one out of every ten people are gay,” Mercedes says in earnest agreement. “And if that’s true that means one of the 12 apostles might have been gay. And my guess is Simon because that name’s the gayest.”

I think we all know it was John, the Beloved Disciple, the one who put his head on Jesus’ chest at dinner (John 13:23), but Mercedes’ logic is compelling if not canonical.

Sam also weighs in. “The Bible says it’s an abomination for a man to lay down with another man, but we shared tents in Cub Scouts and slept next to each other all the time. So that would make Cub Scouts an abomination?”

Quinn, the smartest person in the room, then says, “Do you know what else the Bible says is an abomination? Eating lobster, planting different crops in the same field, giving somebody a proud look. Not an abomination? Slavery. Jesus never said anything about gay people. That’s a fact.”

“Well, maybe he wanted to, but he didn’t want to hurt Simon’s feelings,” Sam says. And thus concludes the best Bible discussion I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

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