“Glee” Episode 313 Recap: Love Shack, Baby

Those who were thinking Glee needed yet another new character and more religion get their wish this week, when yet another Glee Project winner, Samuel Larsen, shows up as Joe Hart, a formerly home-schooled, dreadlocked sophomore who only knows Christian songs. We’re introduced to him at a meeting of the God Squad, a school group that appears to operate in defiance of the clear prohibition of school-sanctioned religious activity that was the cornerstone of “Grilled Cheesus.” The continuity on this show is just awesome.

Quinn calls him “Teen Jesus,” and Sam expresses thanks that there’s another guy on the Squad, while pointing out, you know, pointedly, that Shane isn’t. Mercedes shushes him, and they move on to their big plan for the upcoming holy day by doing serenades for pay as a way to raise money for a shoe drive.

I’m always up for some shoe shopping. But Teen Jesus’ plan to show kids it’s cool to be Christian by singing and playing the guitar was tried in the 60s and then there was that Godspell era, and overall, I think it’s already been milked for all its worth.

After the weekly meeting of the straight allies for Jesus, we head for the cafeteria where we learn that Kurt’s been receiving love notes and romantic gifts from a secret admirer, who he assumes is Blaine. He even gets a gorilla gram.

I will never understand what the point of Rory has been, other than to have him sing now and then. I know he has a lot of fans, who tend to yell at me on Tumblr when I say what I think, but if you like him, you have to agree he’s been wasted this season, and if you don’t, well… that’s a different kind of waste.

This week, he’s the designated obstacle Artie will have to overcome to win the fair Sugar. To a cute rendition of “L-O-V-E” by Tina and Mike (although I have no idea why they started dressing her in these odd straight-cut dresses that look like paper doll clothes and are hideously unflattering on her – I miss Goth Tina) we see Artie and Rory fighting over Sugar.

It’s really odd how I hated Artie briefly when he and Brittany were dating, and now I’m rooting for him to win Sugar’s heart. I sometimes suspect I’m very shallow.

Speaking of Brittany, she’s bouncing down the hall, pink heart-spangled laptop in hand, until she reaches Santana. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” she says, smiling.

Santana isn’t confused, just seeking clarification. “You’re giving me your computer for Valentine’s Day?”

But no. “It’s a playlist. With all the songs that I hear in my head when I’m with you or when I’m thinking about you. I wanted to make you a CD for Valentine’s Day, but this is as far as I got without any help, so… “

Let’s all take a moment to think about the fact that Brittany hears music when she thinks about Santana, or is with her. And also that she pasted together some graphics that I’m fairly sure she found on Tumblr, and made a sweet little CD cover to go with her playlist, featuring her and Santana cuddling.

Here, by the way, is the list:

Purple People Eater
Disco Duck
Monster Mash
On Top of Spaghetti
Pac-Man Fever
Osama Yo’Mama
Different Strokes

Oh, Brittany. I’ve missed you.

Santana, being a good and sweet girlfriend, leans forward to give her a kiss. We get it in slow motion, and I think, “Okay, they’re teasing the fandom.” And they are, because it’s kissus interruptus, as Principal Figgins shouts, “Teen lesbians! I must see you in my office, right now.”

In a scene written entirely by those of us who comment on these recaps, Figgins warns them that public displays of affection are not tolerated in the “sacred halls” of McKinley High. Or rather, they’re tolerated only when performed by people with opposite genitals.

Santana is not pleased. “This is such bull crap! Why can’t Brittany and I kiss in public? Because we’re two girls?”

Figgins at first denies this. “Please don’t make this about your Sapphic orientation. This is about public displays of affection.”

When Santana points out that no one seems to mind Finn and Rachel’s sloppy face-sucking (she calls it a “hideous display that… lasted for several uncomfortable minutes”), Figgins tries to calm her down (which is doomed, but hey).

“Believe me, I’d much rather see you and Santana kiss than that so-called Finchel,” he says, “But if a student files a complaint because, for religious reasons… “

“Oh. Great,” she says. “So it was some Bible-thumper that complained.”

“Ms. Lopez, I’m sorry, but I’m trying to keep this school from turning into a volatile powder keg,” Figgins tells her.

“I’m sorry, too,” Santana says, standing up. “Because all I want to be able to do is kiss my girlfriend, but I guess no one can see that because there’s such an insane double standard on this show at this school.” And she flounces out.

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