“Glee” Episode 312 Recap: Ay Dios Mio!

It isn’t often that you find Sue and Will and Finn in the same boat, but they’re all aboard the SS Pathetic tonight, sinking in the Sea of Desperation. Probably Will is the one who’s going to drown though. Emma decides to save Sue, tossing her a life raft in the form of a pamphlet called “Not Gonna Bang My Fiance’s Wang” or something. Sue’s like, “Fair enough, even though I wanted my kid to have the hair of a woolly mammoth and the optimism of the gayest unicorn.” Funnily enough, that’s exactly what Finn says when Kurt confronts him about proposing to Rachel. That and, “I feel like I’m going to be trapped in Lima Heights forever, so I thought I’d force Rachel to stay here and keeping me comapny.” It’s very romantic.

And here’s the reason Will’s going to sink to the bottom of the ocean and be eaten alive by sharks: He’s a real wanker to Emma. She always only ever believes in him and puts up with his tedious crap and listens to him sing, and when she gives him a pamphlet that could really help him out — “So You’re The Worst, But People Love You Anyway” — he crumples it up and throws it in her face and shouts about how he’s a caveman and she’s a cavelady and how is he going to kill a boar with his bare hands and feed their baby if he doesn’t get this tenure. Emma goes, “For starters, I can take care of myself, thanks. And for another thing, the full matador costume you have laid out in the bedroom is slightly racist and Santana Lopez is going to cut off your balls if you wear it to school. Just a heads up.”

Does he heed her advice? Of course he doesn’t.

But first! One thing we see a lot in the forums at AfterElton and AfterEllen are people asking how to know if they’re gay. Finally, we have conceived a test that will reveal your sexual identity with 100 percent accuracy. Step One — Watch Ricky Martin and Naya Rivera perform “La Isla Bonita.”

Step Two — Answer the following question: Who got you pregnant? There is now a baby inside you and that baby was sired by one of those guys via the means of dancing and singing and sex-rays coming through the TV. Just figure out who impregnated you and you’ll know your sexual orientation. Congratulations!

Now, close your legs (as NeNe Leakes would say) and gird your loins. You don’t want to accidentally find yourself carrying Will’s matador child. Will decides Elivs’ death wasn’t traumatic enough the first time, so he goes ahead and kills him again with the most horrific rendition of “A Little Less Conversation” you have ever heard in your life. Just when you think it can’t get worse unless a meteor falls from the sky and engulfs your living room in flames, Mike and Brittany gallop onto stage dressed like bulls, and run around snorting and pawing at the ground and it is the worst goddamn thing this show has ever done. Including Terri’s fake pregnancy. I’ll take a hundred more imaginary baby storylines if Schue will exit the stage right now and set himself on fire.

He won’t, but don’t worry. After he’s done thrashing around, Santana burns him to the ground WITH HER WORDS. He’s like, “Why aren’t you clapping for me? Did you turn me into Figgins for sucking? Everyone loves me!” And she’s all, “They’re clapping because they don’t know you’re an idiot, which is your fault by the way, because you’re supposed to teach them things. Why don’t you just dress up like Speedy Gonzales and run around yelping, ‘”¡Ándele! ¡Ándele! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!’” God, Naya Rivera. And by that I mean: Naya Rivera is my God. 

Emma’s latest crusade is to teach teenage boys how to wash their scrotums [DRINK!] [BONUS FELONY DRINK!] and Coach Beiste is bursting with pride. Some if it gets on Will when he skulks into lunchroom, but he dusts it off and wallows around in his own misery some more. I mean, dude. When the football coach at your high school has to convince you to appreciate the spectacularness of your fiance, you don’t deserve to marry her. Also, you don’t deserve to marry her because: 

Will goes back to night school to offer David his job as Spanish teacher. He’s like, “No need to apply, guy. No need for a background check. Just show up in the morning at 8:00 in room 213 and start teaching my students for me.” [DRINK!] But what’s Will going to teach? Oh, any old thing. Whatever. History, math, literature. In Ohio, you don’t have to be certified to teach a specific thing. Today: calculus. Tomorrow: sex ed. Just go where the wind blows you. 

Becky is giving Sue some fertility injections [DRINK!] and confessing to turning her into Figgins for being a crappy teacher. Not “crappy” in the sense that she kills students and eats them for breakfast. That part is OK. The thing that’s crappy is that she’s let her cannibalism get in the way of her coaching. Sue agrees that it’s true, that if she’s not careful her storylines are going to get worse than Will’s. She says she’ll work on it. And I hope she does. I can’t bear the thought of Jane Lynch falling out of favor.

After school, Sam and Mercedes are finally free to confess their love to one another, except for the part where Mercedes’ boyfriend wallops Sam on the head like whack-a-mole and takes Mercedes to lunch.

At home, Will apologizes to Emma and Emma forgives him. “I’m glad we were able to resolve this conflict in one week,” she says. “We had to,” he replies. “The Valentine’s Day episode is next week and it’s reserved for couples viewers are actually still rooting for.”

Next week: Kurt gets a gorilla-o-gram(?)! Brittany and Santana finally get their snog on. And Tumblr literally explodes.

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