“Glee” Episode 312 Recap: Ay Dios Mio!

 
 

I love Emma Pillsbury. Like a lot. But what is going on with her hair in this episode? Her forehead as big as the moon. She reminds of me that Kristen Wiig character with the crazy hand. Do you know what I’m talking about? Am I going to hell now? Well, anyway, she’s counseling Mercedes and Sam about their torrid affair, and as fate would have it, she just got her new pamphlets back from the printer. For Mercedes: “So You’re a Two-Timin’ Ho?” [DRINK!] and for Sam: “So You’re Dating a Two-Timin’ Ho?” [DRINK!] (Chord Overstreet is so funny. He’s got the second-best comedic timing of any dude on this show. I’m so glad he came back.) Emma advises them to stay apart so they can listen to their hearts, and they agree it’s a good idea, even though Sam won’t stop in his quest to make “Mercedes smells good” a trending topic on Twitter.

Heather Morris, like Dianna Agron and Jenna Ushkowitz, may not be allowed to talk on this show anymore, but at least she gets a full 20 seconds to krump.

Dang diggy dang indeed. You try to figure out the point of this scene. I’m just going to sit here on rewind.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve actually been playing my own drinking game while rewatching this episode for the recap, or if it’s because I’m from Atlanta so I feel a natural affinity for my hometown Housewives, or if it really is true that casting NeNe Leakes was the most accidentally awesome thing this show has ever done, but her reaction to Sue’s confession that she’s trying to have a baby slays me.

Sue: I am getting pregnant and then I am having a baby.
Nene Leakes: With whose vagina?! Sue, you can’t have a baby! You are old as the hills! You won’t give birth to a child; you’ll give birth to a grand child. You’re gonna get in those stirrups and push and push, and a full-grown adult is gonna pop out with a briefcase and a job, talking on a cell phone!

If you watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you’d know she probably ad-libbed that whole thing. There’s lots of discussion in the African-American community about the caricature of NeNe w/r/t the media construction of Black womanhood. And it’s totally a valid conversation. But damn, that woman can deliver a line. My favorite thing she ever said on Housewives was, “I’m a size ten. I could be a size eight, but I’m f–king hungry.”

Continuing with the theme of centuries-old-people having babies, Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt are watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Mercedes doesn’t see how a lady could ever choose between a werewolf and a vampire — good thing she’s not on Pretty Little Liars then, huh? — when both of them love her so much. Rachel bolts from the bed shouting about, “I’m sorry, but we’re halfway through this episode and I haven’t made it about me yet, so here goes: Finn proposed!” Mercedes just reaches up and smacks her in the face and Kurt thinks he should go home and do the same to Finn. Rachel is like, “Kurt, calm down. What would you do if Blaine proposed?” And he’s like, “I’d clean up the exploding head of Klaine fandom and then say yes, of course.”

Mercedes Apparates to the chorus room where everyone is waiting to hear her sing about her feelings. Amber Riley has never not given me chills when she gets a solo. I don’t know what she’s saying, but I know it means “Let’s canoodle” and that’s what Brittany and Santana do.

Chord Overstreet does mad justice to Enrique Iglesias in some “Mexican hipster boots,” which are the only reason Kurt would ever agree to be part of any kind of line-dancing high jinx.

Santana calls out Schue and says he should probably man up and do something Latin too, on account of trying to prove he’s a worthy Spanish teacher and all that.

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