“Glee” Episode 312 Recap: Ay Dios Mio!

After class, Will takes David our for a drink — coffee for Will, fluoride for David — and explains how it just occurred to him that he should learn Spanish so he can teach Spanish. [DRINK!] He works New Directions into the conversation like he always does, like when your friend just started dating someone and finds a way to mention her no matter if you’re talking about pizza toppings or nuclear proliferation. (“You know who loves pepperoni? Sarah. Siiiiigh.” “You know who hates having at atomic bomb dropped on her head in the middle of the night? Sarah. Siiiiiigh.”) David is like, “I’ve always wanted to start a glee club.” And Will goes, “You should. Back when I was cool — no, really. Stop laughing. I had a following and everyth — fine, whatever. The point is, a couple of years ago, I spent my whole life worrying about whether or not we’d have enough students to compete in Regionals, but these days McKinley can sustain any number of glee clubs. You should make one.”

Speaking of creating things, Sue Sylvester is going to have herself a baby. Since the one thing she cannot do with her scientifically superior body is create sperm, she is propositioning the fine fellows of New Directions to choke their chickens on her behalf. [DRINK!] [BONUS FELONY DRINK!] When they don’t rise to the occasion (sorry), Sue decides to hit up Will for some of his DNA. She even offers him access to her own personal spank bank [DRINK!], which includes magazines bearing her image on the cover. Sue bounces before Will vomits because Principal Figgins has summoned her.

Waiting for Sue in Figgins’ office is NeNe Leakes. In another surprising turn of meta-ness (or maybe the writers are just tripping into self-reference tonight), NeNe gets is Sue’s face about how her acerbic, ludicrous deal is played and now it’s NeNe’s time to shine. Figgins just giggles and rests his head in his hands and gazes adoringly at NeNe.

Then, realizing we’re ten minutes into the episode and nothing has happened that anyone gives a s–t about, Glee‘s editor allows us a moment to rest our head in our hands and gaze lovingly at Santana.

Will rushes into the choir room and starts spewing whatever random propaganda he overheard in the last 24 hours [DRINK!] and today it happens to be that Spanish-speaking people are taking over the world, and if these kids are ever going to impress their Latin overlords they’re going to need to know how to sing Spanish as well as speak it. I’m not even kidding. Santana is like, “… the hell are you saying?” And he’s all, “Just my usual bulls–t, but this week it’s culturally relevant!”

David Martinez arrives on cue, and things are about to get so weird you’re going to wish you were trolleyed already from our drinking game, but you won’t be.

OK, then Ricky Martin thrusts all around [DRINK!] singing LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” [DRINK!] and the glee kids hoot and holler like everything and there are push-ups and ass-slaps and Finn tries to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah. Too far, Finn! TOO FAR! Guys, just cover your ears and concentrate on Brittany’s many faces and it’ll be over soon.

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