Next, we’re in Blaine’s bedroom, where he’s wearing dapper purple pajamas with an equally dapper black eye patch and a red and black buffalo check blanket over him. Kurt, in a chair next to the bed, is reading to him: “Miss Jolie says that after a dramatic directorial debut, she expects her second feature to have far more honey than blood.”
Before we can hear how that story ends, Finn and Rachel come in bearing chicken soup and DVDs featuring characters who wear eye patches. Blaine gets out fake champagne to toast Kurt being a NYADA finalist, and we learn that Blaine’s surgery is imminent and he’s terrified.
The three of them cheer him up with an anemic version of the song Ben. I’ll let Chris Colfer sum up the scene for you (and yes, this is a genuine Tweet from him after the show aired, typo and all):
Santana, meanwhile, is at Dalton, where she spots the Warblers and Sebastian in what I guess is a gymnasium. “Hey, Andrew McCarthy,” she calls out to him. “Don’t know if you heard, but Blaine may lose an eye. The same Blaine who was just besties with most of you not four months ago.”
Trent Warbler (my favorite Warbler, by the way) freaks out. “Wait, are you serious? Is he gonna be okay?”
“Well, sure,” Santana purrs, “If he doesn’t care about seeing in three dimensions.”
“Trent, I got this,” Sebastian says, his voice bored. “Bummer about Blaine, he was pretty. He shouldn’t have gotten in the way, though. That slushy was meant for Kurt.” God, could he be more hateful?
Santana laughs. “You may look like the villain out of a cheesy 80s high school movie, but you should know that I am fully prepared to go all Danny LaRusso on your ass. Admit you put something in that slushy. What was it, huh? Glass? Asphalt?”
“Red dye number six,” he says, clearly amused.
“You’re a liar,” she tells him.
“She questioned my honor,” he says, still sounding half-amused and half-bored. “I demand satisfaction in Warbler tradition.”
She thinks he’s an ass, clearly. “You want to have a duel? Cello guys, can you hang back for a second? I’m gonna need you for this one.”
“Everyone else clear out. I don’t want you to see me make a girl cry,” he says, adding misogyny to his earlier racism. Boy, he’s a real catch. Wonder why Blaine doesn’t want to date him?
Accompanied by two very cute boy cellists, they do “Smooth Criminal.” Sebastian sings the opening solo, demonstrating just how weak his voice really is, although once they start singing together, it sounds pretty good.
Personally, I didn’t really see anything in this scene other than Santana, and the fact that the cello boys’ bows were in shreds.
Santana claimed triumph, he told her she wasn’t even close, and then she gets on him again about what happened to Blaine.
“Now tell me the truth,” she says. “What did you put in that slushy?”
“Rock salt,” he says, just as the Warblers come back in. “But it’s okay.”
“Why is it okay? I just told you that Blaine had to have surgery,” she says.
“It’s okay because I didn’t put anything in this one,” he says, as he slams a cup full of red goo in her face. Dead man walking, Sebastian.
In the choir room, Santana is taking charge. “Before Mr. Schue gets here, come on. Brittany, lock the door.”
Brittany, with her first line in I don’t even remember how many episodes, says, “I don’t know how to do that.”
Rachel asks what’s going on, and we finally learn just what Santana was really doing at Dalton. “We’ve got the Warblers right where we want them. And because he’s the smoothest criminal I know, Artie was able to find a spy store that sells top-secret surveillance equipment.”
“Not top-secret,” he corrects her. “I just got a tape recorder from OfficeMax.”
“Okay, okay, whatever. In any case, I taped it to my underboob when we went to Dalton, and I got Sebastian on tape admitting that there was rock salt in that slushy that blinded Blaine. Now, all we have to do is send this tape to the po-po, and that little bitchlet is headed to juvie.” Then she plays the tape with him confessing.
Finally, someone making sense. But Kurt decides he’s not on board, for no reason I can understand. But whatever. It’s Glee.
“No. No, we’re not doing that,” he says.
Santana doesn’t get it any more than I do. “Why, Kurt? This isn’t violent. This is clever. I taped it to my underboob.”
(This scene is, in case you were curious, why “underboob” was trending on Twitter last night.)
Kurt’s shares his theory with the rest of us, but it still makes no sense to me: “So he gets kicked out of school. The Warblers still do Michael, and they still beat us. Look, I want to see Sebastian’s head turning on a spit, but I’ve realized that you can’t go looking for payback every time the world wrongs you. If Michael went after all the haters, he would have never had any time to do all that amazing music. So, we’re not going to punish the Warblers. We’re going to teach them a lesson, and I think I know how. I’ve reserved the auditorium, so if you all just follow me.”
As they file out of the room after him, Santana rants, “Oh, wait. If Kurt would have taped this to his junk, I would have never heard the end of it. We would have had a whole week of songs about it.”
“True,” Brittany agrees.
Finn holds Rachel back, they sing a nauseating love song, and she agrees to marry him. I can’t stand it so I refuse to recap it.