“Glee” Episode 311 Recap: Rock Salt and Underboobs


Santana is walking down the hall later, and spots Kurt in a classroom. She asks what he’s doing, and he says, “Trying to keep the flames from shooting out the side of my face.”

“Well, that outfit isn’t helping,” she says, even though it’s very tame for Kurt.

“I agree with Artie,” he tells her. “I’m tired of being stepped on all the time. I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian the Criminal Chipmunk. So, I’ve been sitting here for the last hour making a list of ways to get back at him.”

Santana loves it. “Well, today’s your lucky day, because Auntie Snixx just arrived on the Bitchtown Express. Now, my suggestion is that we drag him bound and gagged to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp that reads ‘Tips Appreciated’ or ‘Congratulations, You’re my one-thousandth customer!”

Kurt, though, has second thoughts. “After what he did to Blaine,” he says, “I really wanted to hurt him. But I can’t. I fought against violence at this school for too long, I, I have to take the high road.” Oh, Kurt. I love you. But again: the cops. Pressing charges. Your only options aren’t violence and taking it.

Santana loves her little pacifist Kurtsie. “You know what, Prancy Smurf? I respect that. You’re probably right. I want to go to a college that isn’t a FEMA trailer in a prison yard, so, let’s take the high road. We’re not going to beat Sebastian by playing dirty, but we are going to beat him.” Yay!

Sam summons Mercedes to the auditorium via text message, where they duet to the song “Human Nature.” They do a great job, they’re adorable, and they kiss. I fully ship Samcedes now, but the scene lacked passion. But very, very sweet.

Burt Hummel comes to school and has Will get Kurt out of class, and my fangirl heart goes pitter-patter when Kurt runs out into the hall saying, “What’s wrong? Is Blaine okay?”


Burt assures him Blaine is fine (how does he know? Does he visit him? God, I love the Hummels), and holds out a letter from NYADA.

Kurt is afraid to open it, and leads his dad from room to room in the school Finally, Burt says, “Dude, come on, this is like the fifth room we’ve been to. What’s wrong with the library or the lunchroom?”

Kurt, who hasn’t been dressing as well lately as he used to, looks fantastic in a designer jacket that I can’t quite identify. He tells Burt none of the other rooms felt right. “This is it, Dad. This is one of those crossroad moments in life. Whatever is in this envelope is going to determine whether I go right or left.”

“I’m here. No matter what it says. Okay?”

Kurt reads the letter. “Dear Mr. Hummel… I’m a finalist!”

Burt starts jumping for joy, and Kurt says, “Dad, your heart!”

“Oh, screw my heart!” he says, joyful. “You did it! You did it, Kurt! Oh man, oh! Who’s gonna tell Blaine? You gotta let me do it.” Okay, I’m dead of the sweetness of this man.

“Dad, are you crying?” Kurt asks him, amazed.

“You beat them all,” Burt says, his voice rough. “They threw everything at you. They tried to beat you down. But you know what? You’re unstoppable, Kurt. I am so proud to be your dad. They can never take this away from you. Right now, in this moment, on this day, you won. Oh, way to go, dude.”

Excuse me while I cry, and no, that’s not snark. Burt and Kurt scenes like this are the best thing about Glee. And television. And life.

Kurt rushes off to tell Rachel, and she’s happy for him, but admits she hasn’t gotten a letter.

“Oh, that doesn’t mean anything,” Kurt assures her. “It just means they didn’t send it yet.”

But Rachel has had enough, and starts sobbing in a very heartbreaking, genuine way. This is not drama queen Rachel. This is her breaking.

“I didn’t even make it to the finals,” she says. “I knew it… I had this weird feeling in my stomach all week long.”

Kurt goes all guy on her, and says, “Rachel. Don’t be so stupid.”

“Stupid?” she says. “Stupid is watching all of your friends make plans for their futures and realizing that you have none at all. No plans, no college, nowhere to go. All I have here is my boyfriend, and… and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Kurt pulls her close. “Come here. It’s all right.”

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