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“Glee” Episode 311 Recap: Rock Salt and Underboobs

Let me just get this out in the open where everyone can see it: Sebastian sucks. And he can’t sing. And yet, I kind of like that we have a gay villain tormenting our two gay angels and one hot lesbian angel/devil hybrid, because really, when did this show get so many queer people on it that we could afford to let one be pure evil?

Speaking of the Glee Queer Brigade, they opened up this tribute episode with Michael Jackson’s “Wanna Be Starting Somethin’,” which caused a flashback to my youth dancing to a mash-up (only we didn’t call it that then) of this and the original version of “Soul Makossa” at the 181 Club in San Francisco in the early 80s. And no, I wasn’t sneaking in while still in grade school, but it’s sweet of you to think so.

Blaine takes the lead (only fitting for a man who bares his ankles at the slightest provocation) backed up by Santana, Brittany, and Kurt for Team Gay, and Mercedes representing for straight allies. I honestly had this feeling watching them careen rhythmically through the halls of McKinley High that the generation of kids who will have grown up watching Glee are honestly not even going to understand what “homophobia” means. I know that’s not true, but there are moments watching this show I feel like maybe that post-gay, post-racial world will be bearable after all.

They did a good job with the song, even if Brittany and Mike were inexplicably not featured dancing and the rendition lacked both soul and depth, but the cast was clearly in love with the song and having a blast. It was a happy moment that was, alas, not to last.

Because Finn wants to be starting something, too: his engagement to Rachel.

He comes up to her at her locker and says, “Okay, it’s been exactly three days to the minute since I proposed to you which is the amount of time you said you needed before you’d give me an answer.” Pressure much, Finn?

Rachel tells him, “Look, this isn’t the kind of decision you can make on a deadline,” which bums Finn out.

“No, look,” Rachel tells him. “I love you, okay? I want marry you — someday. Really I’m open to anything. This is all just happening so fast, and I don’t understand it. I mean, I need you to help me understand.”

Stick with that, Rachel. Because it’s absurd and wrong and makes no sense at all. Because Finn says that even if she doesn’t get into NYADA she’s still going to New York and he’s going with her, so in what universe does it make sense that they have to get married? Finn’s reason is something incomprehensible about taking “a piece of our little world into the big city,” and I don’t even know what that means.

Anyway, he gives Rachel two more days to make up her mind, mostly because he thinks she’s going to turn him down. I can’t cope with this storyline. I get we’re supposed to be seeing Rachel have a crisis of confidence, but I liked it better when it was over that chick from “The Glee Project” being a better singer than she is (which she isn’t, by the way).

The gang is hanging out at the Lima Bean, reminiscing about their first Michael Jackson moments.

“When I was one,” Artie begins, “my mom showed me the VHS tape of his Motown special, and when he did the moonwalk across the stage for the first time in history, I uttered my first words: ‘Hot damn.'”

Next up is our boy Kurt. “I owe the king of pop a deep debt of gratitude. He was the first one to pull off the sequined military jacket, long before one Kurt Hummel made it iconic.”

Rachel confesses Barbra Streisand and the two Stephens (Sondheim and Schwartz) are more her speed, leaving Kurt stunned. “Rachel, he was best friends with Liza Minnelli and Liz Taylor.”

Santana agrees in her own way, saying, “I’d throw this mocha in your face, but it’s not nearly scalding enough.”

Whether it was Kurt invoking Liz and Liza or Santana’s threat, Rachel capitulates. “Okay, since you guys are so jazzed about him, I think it’s a good idea for Regionals.”

Enter Sebastian Smythe, leaving a trail of venomous slime behind him. “That might not be the best idea,” he says, then turns smarmily to Blaine. “Hey Blaine. Hello, everyone else.”

Kurt looks at Blaine. “Does he live here or something?” Then he turns to Sebastian. “Seriously you are always here.”

Artie ignores the drama. “Why don’t you think that’s a good idea?” he asks.

Sebastian gives an evil grin. “Because we’re doing MJ for Regionals. You see, Warblers drew first position, so as soon as I heard what your plan was, I changed our set list accordingly.”

Rachel asks him how he heard, and he says he got it from Blaine. “I just called for a tip on how to get red wine out of my blazer piping, and he would not stop going on about it.”

Blaine shifts uncomfortably in his seat as all eyes turn to him. “I may have mentioned it.”

The bf is not happy. “How often do you talk?” Kurt asks him.

Sebastian perks up, evilly. “Oh my god! Hey, Kurt. I didn’t recognize you. You are wearing boy clothes for once.”

Santana, bless her razor blade-laden little head, has had enough, and jumps up. “All right, twink,” she says, making ten thousand extremely young fans hit Google, “I think it’s time that I show you a little Lima Heights hospitality.”

Up until now, I was totally enjoying this scene. It was evil and slithery but still fun. And then Sebastian has to ruin it with his racist crap.

“Unless you want to join your relatives in prison, that’s probably not the best idea,” he tells her. “You see, my dad is sort of what you’d call a state’s attorney. But if you had a piƱata you wanted delivered, I bet he could make sure that got to them.”

Now he’s gone from being funny-evil to a plain old unpleasant, nasty person with no redeeming qualities at all. And the next person who gushes to me how he and Santana are so “hot together” in their upcoming scene? No me gusta.

The New Directions kids storm into the choir room. Tina, in her one line of the night, says, “There has to be some sort of show choir competition committee we can complain to.”

Blaine is, as usual (but not always) the voice of calm reason. “I know it sucks, guys, but it’s not the end of the world. Heck, you had your set list stolen the day of the competition at sectionals and you pulled that one off, right?”

Yes, Blaine, and they also wrote both their songs for Nationals the night before and that didn’t work out too well.

Artie isn’t interested in calm reason. “They can have our Journey and our Dreamgirls, but pilfering my Michael? Mm-mm, that’s another level of not okay.”

Puck calls Blaine an “Eggs Benedict,” but Finn cuts off that line of thought, telling them they should be less concerned with complaining about the Warblers than with beating them.

Will, it turns out, is “less worried about our set list right now, and more interested in getting us in the right mind set to crush those guys.” You know, Will, traditionally, this lack of focus on the set list has not worked so well for you. Just a thought.

Will goes to the whiteboard and writes, “WWMJD?” Then he translates: “What would Michael Jackson do?”

He’d fight back,” Finn responds. “He’d say, Regionals is ours, MJ is ours. And if they want it, they can pry it from our sequined gloved hand.” Okay, that was funny, even if I don’t think that’s what Michael Jackson would have done.

“Straight up,” Artie agrees. “In 1983 MTV said they wouldn’t air his ‘Billie Jean’ video. What’d he do? He fought back. They aired it, and the Thriller album sold an additional ten million copies.”

“I know what Michael would do,” Blaine says. “I think he would take it to the streets.” No, he really wouldn’t. He’d call his team of high-priced attorneys. But if it means we get to see you and Santana in your bad-ass hoodies, I won’t mind you being wrong.

So we’re in a deserted nighttime garage somewhere, and the Warblers, in their school uniforms which I believe they must sleep in, come stalking toward Santana and Blaine in formation.

They stop. “Well, we’re here,” Sebastian says.

“We’ve got something to settle,” Blaine says. “Both of us want to use MJ, but only one can.

Santana tells him they’re having a “Jackson-off,” then says, “Winner gets the King of Pop for Regionals.”

“Us against the two of you?” Sebastian sneers. “You really think you’re that bad? Is that what they teach you at that little public school of yours?”

My hatred of him, which I didn’t think could grow, just did.

“It’s time to see who’s bad,” Blaine says, and then Santana snaps her fingers and the New Directions come dancing in (moves they learned, I believe, in their recent production of West Side Story), and the two choirs sing and dance to the song “Bad.”

First, the Warblers aren’t “bad” because you can’t be bad while wearing a blue blazer with red piping. And compared with the Warblers, the McKinley kids seem positively street. So setting aside the sense that you’re watching Up With People attempt to be “bad,” there are actually some fun things about this number. Most of them being Santana, and the satisfying noise the New Directions makes when they smack their palms on the floor of the garage.

Sebastian obviously perceives the group to be a real threat. Either that or he is just a vicious jerk. Either way, he gets out a slushy and goes to toss it in Kurt’s face. And Blaine leaps in front of him and takes it in his face, then falls to the floor crying in agony, the red slushy spreading on the floor around him while the rest of the glee club hovers and Kurt drops to his knees and tries to comfort him.

It’s sort of like the bashing scene in Queer as Folk only without all the horror and seriousness, isn’t it?

And yeah, I admit it: My heart jumped when Blaine took that slushy for Kurt, and while I’ve always been a fan of this pairing, it was mostly because Kurt wanted Blaine. Now I love Blaine on his own, too. Best. Boyfriend. Ever.

It turns out that the slushy wasn’t just ice, sugar, and food coloring; whatever was in it damaged Blaine’s eye so badly he’s going to need surgery. Mr. Schue blah blah blahs that the police can’t do anything unless there’s proof the slushy was “tampered with,” which is idiotic; the fact is, Sebastian threw something in Blaine’s eye that caused him to need surgery. That’s assault. Doesn’t Blaine have parents?

Kurt sums it up very well as far as I’m concerned when he says flatly: “Sebastian is evil. He needs to be expelled.”

“Look, Figgins and I spoke to Dalton’s headmaster,” Will says. “They’re opening up an investigation. So guys, I’m telling you, please let the system handle this one.”

Artie thinks that’s as big a load of crap as I do, although he’s thinking revenge, not the cops. “No! Dalton’s old school, Mr. Schue. They’re not going to turn their back on one of their own. They need payback.”

What happened to Dalton’s zero-tolerance policy for bullying, I wonder? It only applies to its own students, I guess.

Mike’s with Artie, saying, “An eye for an eye.”

“No! I have a zero tolerance policy for violence of any kind,” Will says. “That’s not how we do things.” Really, I don’t want to see them beat Sebastian up. I want to see Blaine and his parents press charges against him for assault. Why does this have to be such a false choice?

Artie sneers that all they ever do about their problems is sing, and Will says if they do anything else, they’ll get disqualified from Regionals.

“I don’t give a damn about Regionals!” Artie explodes. “What do you expect from us? We’re people. I know the rest of the world might not see us like that, but when they tease us and throw stuff at us and toss us in dumpsters and tell us that we’re nothing but losers with stupid dreams, it freaking hurt.

“And we’re supposed to turn the other cheek and be the bigger man by telling ourselves that those dreams and how hard we work make us better than them, but it gets pretty damn hard to fell that way when they always get to win.”

Will tries to placate him. “I get how upsetting this is for you… “

“No! You don’t!” Artie almost yells. “And don’t give me any of that ‘it gets better’ crap, because I’m not interested in it getting any better. I want it to be better, like right now. I want to hurt them the way they hurt us. No, worse. I want them to feel my pain because frankly, that’s all I have left to give.”

Wow. I still am not into the violence, but Artie owned that scene.

Will tells Artie to leave the room and get a grip on himself. Artie steps out of his wheelchair (clue that this is a fantasy sequence) and he and Mike stalk out of the room and re-enact the Michael and Janet Jackson video to the song “Scream,” with Mike as Janet and Artie as Michael. It was a pretty faithful version of the original video, which was cool, but too over the top for me.

In real time, Will is calling Artie’s name, and finally brings him out of his dream. Artie just answers, “I think I’d better roll away.” And he does.

Rachel heads for the lady’s room, where she and Quinn have most of their in-depth conversations. She tells Quinn she needs her advice about “an adult problem.”

“Holy crap, are you pregnant?” Quinn says.

But that’s not it. “No. Look, I’m coming to you as a friend, and oddly because I also think you’re the only person that’ll give me just a straightforward and thoughtful answer about this.”

“You’re right,” Quinn says. “I’m sorry. Yes, I can keep a secret.”

“Okay,” Rachel says. “Finn asked me to marry him.”

The look on Quinn’s face is priceless, but all she says is, “What did you say?”

“I said I needed to think about it.”

“Well, you can’t,” Quinn says decisively. A thousand fan fics take that as the starting point for Quinn’s declaration of love, but instead, Rachel just blah blah blahs about true love and how Finn is “the one” until Quinn cuts her off by holding up an envelope.

“What’s that?” Rachel asks.

“My ticket out of here,” Quinn says. “I got into Yale early admissions. Turns out my essay about overcoming adversity while maintaining a straight A average during a teen pregnancy really turned on the admissions board.”

Rachel is happy for her, and they hug, and Quinn reminds her of her dreams of NYADA. Rachel, not at all sure she’s going to get into NYADA, blathers about the New York mail being “notoriously slow,” but Quinn knows what the whole thing is about, and tells her so.

“My point being, is that I’ve dated Finn, Puck, Sam,” she says. “Even thought I loved some of them. But by the time the snow falls in New Haven next winter, I won’t know why.”

Sing it, Quinn.

Rachel is upset. “So, are you saying that Finn and I should break up?”

Quinn shakes her head. “I’m all for making the most of the next few months, but I’d hate the idea of dragging an anchor from my past into the bright lights of my future.” Her voice softens. “Rachel, you have an amazing life ahead of you. As hard as it may be, if you want everything that you’ve ever dreamed of, you’re going to have to break up with him.”

Rachel, apparently forgetting she’d asked for an honest, no bs opinion, says, “That’s an awful thing to say.”

So Quinn reminds her. “Look, you wanted straight and thoughtful. I guess at one point, it made sense to love someone for your whole life, but it doesn’t anymore. Women are finding themselves in their 30s now, every magazine says it. We hardly know what we’re going to want in 15 years.”

I have never, ever loved Quinn more. This is the smart, feminist Quinn who sang “It’s a Man’s World.” This is who she was always meant to be. Not psycho baby stealing skank Quinn (however hot she was in the pink hair).

Rachel’s floundering. “I mean, Finn and I, we can grow together…”

“Look, Rachel,” Quinn says, “You and Finn are a lovely couple. But if you really want to be happy, you’re going to have to say goodbye.”

This morphs into Quinn singing Michael Jackson’s “Never Can Say Goodbye” in a variety of outfits and settings, with images and mementos of her recent troubled past everywhere, including a gardenia with a light green ribbon and a photo of Puck and Beth. It’s incredibly moving and she looks stunningly, painfully beautiful in a black sequined evening gown and big eyelashes, but to be honest, her voice doesn’t bring anything to this song. Sorry, Quinn fans.

At the end we fade to the choir room where she’s wearing one of the hideously unflattering jacket and dress outfits they’ve been putting her in since she de-skanked, and Mr. Schue invites her to tell the choir that she got into Yale. Everyone is happy for her, although Rachel and Kurt have odd looks on their faces.

Santana is walking down the hall later, and spots Kurt in a classroom. She asks what he’s doing, and he says, “Trying to keep the flames from shooting out the side of my face.”

“Well, that outfit isn’t helping,” she says, even though it’s very tame for Kurt.

“I agree with Artie,” he tells her. “I’m tired of being stepped on all the time. I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian the Criminal Chipmunk. So, I’ve been sitting here for the last hour making a list of ways to get back at him.”

Santana loves it. “Well, today’s your lucky day, because Auntie Snixx just arrived on the Bitchtown Express. Now, my suggestion is that we drag him bound and gagged to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp that reads ‘Tips Appreciated’ or ‘Congratulations, You’re my one-thousandth customer!”

Kurt, though, has second thoughts. “After what he did to Blaine,” he says, “I really wanted to hurt him. But I can’t. I fought against violence at this school for too long, I, I have to take the high road.” Oh, Kurt. I love you. But again: the cops. Pressing charges. Your only options aren’t violence and taking it.

Santana loves her little pacifist Kurtsie. “You know what, Prancy Smurf? I respect that. You’re probably right. I want to go to a college that isn’t a FEMA trailer in a prison yard, so, let’s take the high road. We’re not going to beat Sebastian by playing dirty, but we are going to beat him.” Yay!

Sam summons Mercedes to the auditorium via text message, where they duet to the song “Human Nature.” They do a great job, they’re adorable, and they kiss. I fully ship Samcedes now, but the scene lacked passion. But very, very sweet.

Burt Hummel comes to school and has Will get Kurt out of class, and my fangirl heart goes pitter-patter when Kurt runs out into the hall saying, “What’s wrong? Is Blaine okay?”

Awwww.

Burt assures him Blaine is fine (how does he know? Does he visit him? God, I love the Hummels), and holds out a letter from NYADA.

Kurt is afraid to open it, and leads his dad from room to room in the school Finally, Burt says, “Dude, come on, this is like the fifth room we’ve been to. What’s wrong with the library or the lunchroom?”

Kurt, who hasn’t been dressing as well lately as he used to, looks fantastic in a designer jacket that I can’t quite identify. He tells Burt none of the other rooms felt right. “This is it, Dad. This is one of those crossroad moments in life. Whatever is in this envelope is going to determine whether I go right or left.”

“I’m here. No matter what it says. Okay?”

Kurt reads the letter. “Dear Mr. Hummel… I’m a finalist!”

Burt starts jumping for joy, and Kurt says, “Dad, your heart!”

“Oh, screw my heart!” he says, joyful. “You did it! You did it, Kurt! Oh man, oh! Who’s gonna tell Blaine? You gotta let me do it.” Okay, I’m dead of the sweetness of this man.

“Dad, are you crying?” Kurt asks him, amazed.

“You beat them all,” Burt says, his voice rough. “They threw everything at you. They tried to beat you down. But you know what? You’re unstoppable, Kurt. I am so proud to be your dad. They can never take this away from you. Right now, in this moment, on this day, you won. Oh, way to go, dude.”

Excuse me while I cry, and no, that’s not snark. Burt and Kurt scenes like this are the best thing about Glee. And television. And life.

Kurt rushes off to tell Rachel, and she’s happy for him, but admits she hasn’t gotten a letter.

“Oh, that doesn’t mean anything,” Kurt assures her. “It just means they didn’t send it yet.”

But Rachel has had enough, and starts sobbing in a very heartbreaking, genuine way. This is not drama queen Rachel. This is her breaking.

“I didn’t even make it to the finals,” she says. “I knew it… I had this weird feeling in my stomach all week long.”

Kurt goes all guy on her, and says, “Rachel. Don’t be so stupid.”

“Stupid?” she says. “Stupid is watching all of your friends make plans for their futures and realizing that you have none at all. No plans, no college, nowhere to go. All I have here is my boyfriend, and… and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Kurt pulls her close. “Come here. It’s all right.”

Next, we’re in Blaine’s bedroom, where he’s wearing dapper purple pajamas with an equally dapper black eye patch and a red and black buffalo check blanket over him. Kurt, in a chair next to the bed, is reading to him: “Miss Jolie says that after a dramatic directorial debut, she expects her second feature to have far more honey than blood.”

Before we can hear how that story ends, Finn and Rachel come in bearing chicken soup and DVDs featuring characters who wear eye patches. Blaine gets out fake champagne to toast Kurt being a NYADA finalist, and we learn that Blaine’s surgery is imminent and he’s terrified.

The three of them cheer him up with an anemic version of the song Ben. I’ll let Chris Colfer sum up the scene for you (and yes, this is a genuine Tweet from him after the show aired, typo and all):

Santana, meanwhile, is at Dalton, where she spots the Warblers and Sebastian in what I guess is a gymnasium. “Hey, Andrew McCarthy,” she calls out to him. “Don’t know if you heard, but Blaine may lose an eye. The same Blaine who was just besties with most of you not four months ago.”

Trent Warbler (my favorite Warbler, by the way) freaks out. “Wait, are you serious? Is he gonna be okay?”

“Well, sure,” Santana purrs, “If he doesn’t care about seeing in three dimensions.”

“Trent, I got this,” Sebastian says, his voice bored. “Bummer about Blaine, he was pretty. He shouldn’t have gotten in the way, though. That slushy was meant for Kurt.” God, could he be more hateful?

Santana laughs. “You may look like the villain out of a cheesy 80s high school movie, but you should know that I am fully prepared to go all Danny LaRusso on your ass. Admit you put something in that slushy. What was it, huh? Glass? Asphalt?”

“Red dye number six,” he says, clearly amused.

“You’re a liar,” she tells him.

“She questioned my honor,” he says, still sounding half-amused and half-bored. “I demand satisfaction in Warbler tradition.”

She thinks he’s an ass, clearly. “You want to have a duel? Cello guys, can you hang back for a second? I’m gonna need you for this one.”

“Everyone else clear out. I don’t want you to see me make a girl cry,” he says, adding misogyny to his earlier racism. Boy, he’s a real catch. Wonder why Blaine doesn’t want to date him?

Accompanied by two very cute boy cellists, they do “Smooth Criminal.” Sebastian sings the opening solo, demonstrating just how weak his voice really is, although once they start singing together, it sounds pretty good.

Personally, I didn’t really see anything in this scene other than Santana, and the fact that the cello boys’ bows were in shreds.

Santana claimed triumph, he told her she wasn’t even close, and then she gets on him again about what happened to Blaine.

“Now tell me the truth,” she says. “What did you put in that slushy?”

“Rock salt,” he says, just as the Warblers come back in. “But it’s okay.”

“Why is it okay? I just told you that Blaine had to have surgery,” she says.

“It’s okay because I didn’t put anything in this one,” he says, as he slams a cup full of red goo in her face. Dead man walking, Sebastian.

In the choir room, Santana is taking charge. “Before Mr. Schue gets here, come on. Brittany, lock the door.”

Brittany, with her first line in I don’t even remember how many episodes, says, “I don’t know how to do that.”

Rachel asks what’s going on, and we finally learn just what Santana was really doing at Dalton. “We’ve got the Warblers right where we want them. And because he’s the smoothest criminal I know, Artie was able to find a spy store that sells top-secret surveillance equipment.”

“Not top-secret,” he corrects her. “I just got a tape recorder from OfficeMax.”

“Okay, okay, whatever. In any case, I taped it to my underboob when we went to Dalton, and I got Sebastian on tape admitting that there was rock salt in that slushy that blinded Blaine. Now, all we have to do is send this tape to the po-po, and that little bitchlet is headed to juvie.” Then she plays the tape with him confessing.

Finally, someone making sense. But Kurt decides he’s not on board, for no reason I can understand. But whatever. It’s Glee.

“No. No, we’re not doing that,” he says.

Santana doesn’t get it any more than I do. “Why, Kurt? This isn’t violent. This is clever. I taped it to my underboob.”

(This scene is, in case you were curious, why “underboob” was trending on Twitter last night.)

Kurt’s shares his theory with the rest of us, but it still makes no sense to me: “So he gets kicked out of school. The Warblers still do Michael, and they still beat us. Look, I want to see Sebastian’s head turning on a spit, but I’ve realized that you can’t go looking for payback every time the world wrongs you. If Michael went after all the haters, he would have never had any time to do all that amazing music. So, we’re not going to punish the Warblers. We’re going to teach them a lesson, and I think I know how. I’ve reserved the auditorium, so if you all just follow me.”

As they file out of the room after him, Santana rants, “Oh, wait. If Kurt would have taped this to his junk, I would have never heard the end of it. We would have had a whole week of songs about it.”

“True,” Brittany agrees.

Finn holds Rachel back, they sing a nauseating love song, and she agrees to marry him. I can’t stand it so I refuse to recap it.

In the auditorium at what I guess is some later date, Artie greets Sebastian and the Warblers from the stage. “Nice of you to show.”

Sebastian is as bored and sneering as ever, leading me to wonder why he bothered to come at all. “Is whatever this is going to take long? I can’t stand the stench of public schools.”

Will someone please expel him or put him in jail or just get him off this show? Hateful jerk.

Quinn, my newfound goddess of speaking truth, tells him, “It won’t take long and all you have to do is sit and listen.”

Artie tells them that New Directions is not doing Michael for Regionals after all.

“I didn’t think you’d surrender that easily,” Sebastian says.

Kurt says, “We’re tired of the fighting and the backstabbing. We’re show choirs. We’re supposed to be supportive of each other.”

“This is what we call taking the high road,” Puck tells him. “Which I was shocked to find out has nothing to do with marijuana.”

Artie goes on. “Just because you’re doing Michael doesn’t mean you understand Michael.”

“And you do?” Sebastian taunts him.

“Yes,” Mercedes says decisively. “And we’re about to show you.”

They sing a kick-ass version of “Black and White,” and during one of its more stirring moments, Trent Warbler jumps up and gets on stage, followed by all the Warblers but Sebastian.

When they’re done, Sebastian does a slow, sarcastic solo clap. “Very moving.”

“Come on Sebastian,” says Trent. “Give it up.”

“That is the kind of attitude that lost us Regionals last year,” he says. Oh, go join Vocal Adrenaline, Sebastian. Oh, wait. You’d never get in because you can’t sing.

Santana steps up. “I could call the cops or your headmaster and get you kicked out of school or even arrested for assaulting Blaine with that slushy,” she says.

“All of this would be just awfully terrifying if you had any proof whatsoever,” he tells her with a snotty laugh.

“You mean like you on tape, admitting it?” she says, holding up the tiny tape that was once under her boob.

She hands it to Kurt, who says, “But you know what? It just wouldn’t be as much fun winning Regionals if you weren’t there to suffer through all the agony of defeat.” He tosses it to Sebastian.

“At least now, all your teammates get to know exactly what kind of guy you are,” Santana says.

Artie has the last word. “Now get the hell out of my auditorium. School’s out!”

Okay, I admit, that was pretty satisfying. But he should still be arrested.

The episode ends with a short scene at Kurt’s locker. Rachel’s letter has finally come, and she’s a finalist.

Kurt hugs and congratulates her, then asks, “Have you told Finn yet?”

She looks stricken, and we end with the second Finchel cliffhanger in as many episodes.

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