Finn and Rachel are in Kentucky looking for Sam. They think they’ve found him a local dinner theater, but it’s a strip club and Sam’s abs have center stage. Which they richly deserve.
“That’s not an image I can ever get out of my mind,” Finn says.
“Give me a dollar,” Rachel says, and approaches Sam — to his considerable shock. Backstage, he defends his career choice, pointing out that he’s earned $61 in 15 minutes, compared to minimum wage at DQ (not counting the two free Blizzards a day). If the TV breaks or his brother needs new shoes, his abs pay for it.
Finn and Rachel convince him to come back to Ohio and compete in Sectionals, and the three of them go to talk to Sam’s parents. And while I’m watching this, I think of another very young television teen who had big puffy lips and the same blond haircut and wore hoodies and got glitter all over himself. Oh, and stripped.
Separated at birth: Sam Evans of Glee and Justin Taylor of QAF.
Sam makes his triumphant return to the choir room, and sings the second greatest song about something from which one drinks since Brittany’s “My Cup,” “Red Solo Cup.” It rhymes “testicles” with “festivals.”
This song has so much cute background stuff, but my favorite bit is Kurt mouthing “What are you doing?” when Blaine starts grooving to the beat. Er, twang.
No sooner have the strains of the song faded out than a smiling Santana comes in. “I just heard the news Trouty Mouth is back in town,” she says. “I’ve been keeping a notebook just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I’ve missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn’t find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you’ve been working as a baby polisher, where young mothers place their infants head in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you’re back, I haven’t seen a smile that big since the Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.”
Her smile gets even bigger when he says, “I missed you, too, Santana,” and pulls her into a big hug. Awwwwww.
In the next scene, Insane!Quinn tries to convince Sam to get back together with her again, and help her raise Beth. Sam tells her she has “rich white girl problems” – you know, like she felt fat and got drunk and got pregnant and got thrown out by her unforgiving parents and then gave her baby up for adoption and is now regretting it. Anyway, he tells her that the world is a tough place, and she should enjoy her youth while it lasts.
“We only get one senior year,” he says. “Enjoy it. You know that song ‘Jack and Diane’ by John Mellencamp? My favorite line is this one: ‘Hold onto 16 as long as you can.” And he leaves her standing there.